


Irresistible

by silentwriterx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Car Accidents, Cheating, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Medication, Original Character Death(s), Panic Attacks, Partner Betrayal, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Swearing, Tags Contain Spoilers, Tags May Change, Underage Drinking, it's just kind of talked about, little bit of kissin and stuff, no actual suicide though don't worry, panic disorder, suicide talk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-09 00:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 79,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4326372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwriterx/pseuds/silentwriterx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At seventeen and deteriorating, Dan Howell thought he had a bright future to look forward to; one that didn’t include his constant panic and arguing parents, and instead encompassed the perfect white picket fence dream with his best friend and assumed soulmate Grayson. It had been the only thing that kept him fighting for so long, and when it’s violently ripped away from him in a mere few weeks, he feels as though someone had cut his only lifeline. It was entirely up to his new friend Phil to help rebuild what Dan had lost, but neither were convinced it was possible in the slightest.</p><p>(hiatus for a couple of more days probably)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

Dan curled into Grayson’s side, sighing happily. His smile stretched all the way across his tan face, a dimple the size of a crater taking up his left cheek. The sparkle in his deep brown eyes shining through, like in every moment he spent with the tall, caramel haired boy holding him. 

“I love you, Gray. You mean the world to me, you know that?” Dan whispered, not wanting to disturb the peaceful moment. It was times like these that he lived for, feeling one hundred percent happy and content with the world. The moments where he didn’t have to worry about his homework assignment that was due the next day, or his parents who were constantly fighting. He was elated, and so, so in love.

He felt the older boy run his soft hands through Dan’s mess of curly hair, and he didn’t have to look at him to see the soft smile he had on while he gazed down at Dan. “I know, Dan. I love you, too. I don’t know what I would do without you.” Grayson pressed a gentle kiss on Dan’s forehead.

Dan closed his eyes, inhaling the citrusy smell of his boyfriend, something he would never get tired of. He felt the other boy pull his warm duvet over their naked bodies, and heard him switch the lamp off. They snuggled into each other, memorizing the others touch for a rainy day.

It wasn’t long before Dan dozed off, he always slept easier when Grayson was holding him tightly. Grayson made him feel like the most important person in the world, and there wasn’t a day he took advantage of that fact. He knew life was unpredictable, things happened and sometimes you couldn’t stop it.

That’s why when we woke up alone the next morning, still void of clothing, he didn’t think a thing of it. After all, one time wouldn’t hurt.  
-

“Dan, I’m sorry, alright? Something came up with my-” a short pause,” brother, and my mum wanted me home as soon as I could be. It won’t happen again baby, I promise,” Grayson said into the phone, but something in his tone sounded off to Dan.

Dan wanted to mention that, in fact, there couldn’t have been something wrong with Gray’s brother the past four times he had left in the middle of the night, but that would make it seem like Dan didn’t trust him. 

Dan sighed, plopping down on his bed. “Yeah, okay. I gotta go, but we’re still on for the cinema tomorrow, right?” he asked, his voice sounding a little bit too hopeful. It was quite common nowadays that their plans got cancelled, and it had gotten to the point that Dan savored even seconds spent with Gray.

There was a silence after Dan asked, and for a moment he thought that the other boy had hung up on him, but his reply came after obvious hesitation. “Of course we are, I just can’t pick you up. We can meet there at half six though, is that alright? The movie starts at seven.”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. “I can see if I can get a ride, and if not I’ll walk. You know how my parents are.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye Dan,” Gray said quickly, and Dan heard the dial tone.

“Bye Gray, I love you,” Dan whispered, the familiar feeling of tears pricking at his eyes. He ran his free hand through his messy curls, wishing that it was Gray’s hand instead of his own.

He lowered his cell phone, staring at the screen. The past month Gray had been unusually distant, and Dan wondered if he had done something wrong. He couldn’t recall doing anything that would impair their relationship. He’d gone through their text messages over and over again, searching for something. As far as he was concerned, Gray had been the one acting odd. In the three years they had been together, they’d only gotten into a handful of arguments. They usually ended as soon as they started, so Dan had no clue what was fueling this attitude his boyfriend had suddenly acquired.

He usually tried to not overthink things when it came to Gray because all it did was make him doubt himself, but he couldn’t help himself this time.

It was a perfectly good Saturday, and Dan mostly spent time on mulling over everything that had happened in the past month and a half, only moving when he had to use the toilet. Ever since he woke up that morning to find Gray gone for the fifth time in four weeks, he’d been awfully sad. For a seventeen year old boy, he sure was acting like a preteen girl. He knew he was probably reading too far into the situation, maybe Gray’s brother was extremely ill or something. Maybe he had broken a bone and Gray just hadn’t mentioned it? Although, he was almost positive Gray had said something about driving him to football practice the other day. He had to cancel their date that day, another thing that had made Dan unbelievably somber.

Dan cast his gaze to the clock hanging above his television, surprised that it was already half nine. His parents would probably be home soon, and Dan sighed heavily at the realization. More often than not, his parents were arguing. Whether it was over something simple like who was supposed to pick up dinner that day, or something extreme, such as divorce. No matter the topic, it always made Dan rather uncomfortable. He couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow his disputing parents were the way they were because of him. They’d been like that since Dan was fourteen, when he came out to them and told them he was dating Grayson.

At the time it didn’t seem as if they disapproved, they supported Dan and they had known Grayson since he was three. They were a bit surprised of course, but they were always positive when Dan started to feel down about the whole situation.

Over the past two years though, they had become more distant with Dan. They never asked about him and Grayson anymore, and when the boy was over they usually stayed in their room until he left. Dan usually just marked it off as marital problems, but he knew it was more than that.

He heard the front door open downstairs and soon after, loud voices erupted through the house. Fantastic.

Dan turned over and groaned into his pillow. This was just what he needed today.

He unwillingly sat up on his bed, looking at the black and white checked duvet longingly. He let out an exaggerated sigh and pulled himself off of his bed, making his way to his door. He threw it open dramatically, flinching when it hit the wall, causing a loud bang.

“Dan? Is everything okay up there?” he heard his mum shout. He inwardly cringed and ran down the stairs, almost tripping on the bottom step. He caught his balance on the banister, steadying himself before walking through the arch that lead into the dining room. He heard the bickering voices coming from the kitchen, and he let out a silent huff.

His parents were stood in the pastel yellow kitchen, facing each other on opposite sides of the island counter. It was clear Dan had interrupted the middle of an extremely heated conversation. He looked between the two of them, raising his eyebrows. Both of their dark brown eyes were aflame with exasperation, bodies tense.

He put on a fake smile, jumping onto the counter across the room from his parents. “So, how was work?” he asked lightly. Both of his parents worked in property management, so they generally got home at the same time. It was quite convenient actually, as Dan tended to have the house to himself for the majority of the weekend. 

They shared a look with each other, one that said ‘we’ll finish this later’, and turned towards their son. “It was fine, how was your day? I thought Grayson was staying over tonight?” his mum questioned, giving him a pointed look for sitting on the counter. Her tone held a distaste of sorts, which confused Dan, but he smiled brightly none the less.

“It was great, actually. And Gray had to watch his brother, but we’re going to the cinema tomorrow. I meant to ask you yesterday, but when Gray and I got home you two were already asleep.” He didn’t find it important to mention that he had spent the day laying in his room, thinking over his whole life.

His father's face fell slightly, and if Dan wasn’t paying attention he wouldn’t have caught it. He also took note of his mum’s smile turning into a tight line. They shared another look, this one slightly less angry, and more understanding of each other.

Dan wrung his clammy hands together nervously, and curled his lip slightly. He looked down at his legs, swinging them back and forth so they hit the dark wooden cabinets. “I mean, if it’s alright with the two of you,” he mumbled, significantly less confident than before.

His mum sighed, then smiled lightly. “Yeah, of course that’s okay with us. Grayson is a nice boy, and we’re glad he makes you happy. Is he picking you up?”

Dan looked up at his parents, and smiled sheepishly. “Actually, I was wondering if one of you guys could drive me? If not I can walk, it’s no problem-”

His father held up his hand, cutting Dan off. “Your mother and I are both on call tomorrow, neither of us can give you a ride,” he said harshly. His forehead was creased with deep lines, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the granite counter.

Dan gulped and nodded his head, looking back down at his feet. His curls hung down in front of his face, and he shoved them away forcefully.

He heard his mum clear her throat, and his head shot back up to look at her. She was glaring at his father, giving him a pointed look. “I’m sure it won’t hurt Andrew. The cinema is only five minutes away driving, it’ll be fine,” she shot coldly at her husband. Her small tan hands were gripping the counter firmly as her body leaned across the surface, not breaking eye contact with the other adult once.

“No Mary, he can walk. We have work to do, unlike him.” His eyes were ice cold as he said this. He released his grip on the countertop, crossing his arms across his chest sternly.

Dan jumped off of the counter, interrupting his parents dispute. “Really, it’s fine, mum. I- uh- I get it. I can walk. No problem at all.”

It was like they didn’t take notice of what Dan said, still caught in their childish staring contest. Dan inwardly sighed, and made his way back up the stairs, running his left hand against the bumpy wall on the way up and into his room. He slammed the door loud enough to make sure his immature parents heard it. Sometimes he felt like he was actually the parent in the household. His parents acted more like teenagers than he ever did.

His phone, which was laying on the mounds of pillows and duvets, lit up the dark room. He walked over to his bed and picked the device up, sighing when he found it was just a game notification. Gray hadn’t tried to contact him all day, much like all of his other friends. Dan sighed, laying down on his soft bed. He curled himself around on of his pillows, which smelt faintly of citrus. This brought a smile to his face, and soon enough he was dozing off, his thoughts filled with a certain golden haired boy.

-

The blaring noise of an alarm placed on Dan’s bedside table brought him out of his peaceful slumber. He reached his hand over and lazily hit the off button, effectively muting the annoying buzzing sound. The boy drowsily brought his hands down to his eyes, rubbing them harshly. Loud yawns filled the silent room, and Dan opened his eyes, bringing his hands down to his sides. He gazed around the room, his sight catching on the clock that read 15:00. Wondering how he managed to sleep for seventeen hours, he shot out of bed. Faint memories of hitting the snooze button way more times than he should of struck his memory, and it was only now that he realized he was still in his skinny jeans from yesterday.

He tripped over discarded clothing that sat on his floor, but managed to get to his bedroom door without fatally injuring himself. Heaving his door open, he hastily made his way into the bathroom across the hall. Swiftly pushing the shower curtain aside, he stripped out of his clothes and took a quick shower.

After getting shampoo in his eyes numerous times Dan rushed out, dried himself off, wrapped the fluffy white towel around his waist, and ran back into his room. He had wanted to go to the shops before he met up with Gray, and it quite often took him ages to pick things out. Going through his wardrobe at least twenty times, he finally managed to pick out a black v-neck with a grey cardigan, and the black skinny jeans he wore yesterday (and to bed, apparently). After straightening his hair quickly, he took a glance in the mirror and deemed himself acceptable.

He looked at the time on his phone, secretly hoping to find a message from Gray, which he didn’t, and found it was already half four. It must’ve taken him longer than he thought to pick out an outfit appropriate for the day. From the cracks in his curtains, Dan could tell it was a bit overcast today, and he wanted to get on his knees and beg that it didn’t rain. He lived in a bit of a small town, so there was no underground to use. If it started to downpour, he’d be one hundred percent screwed into the ground. 

Sending a collective prayer to any holy being up above, he grabbed his wallet and phone and left the house. His parents must’ve gotten called in as they were nowhere to be seen. After locking up the house, he began walking into town. Luckily they lived rather close to it all, the cinema itself only being a half an hour walk. He made his way to a small cafe that was roughly five minutes away.

With it being a Sunday and mid-afternoon, the streets were pretty deserted. Dark clouds hung low in the sky, creating a gloomy feeling throughout the town. Dan always enjoyed days like this. It gave him a peaceful setting to think in, and God only knows that’s what he did best. As he looked around at all the worn down buildings, it gave him a sort of serene feeling. It calmed him down because everything seemed right and in its own place. That’s the way he liked things, he liked knowing that he, along with everything and everyone else, had their own place all to themselves. It was a glorious thing to feel important, he’d learnt that during his time with Gray. 

At the thought of his golden haired, emerald eyed boyfriend, he smiled shyly. He loved Gray so much that it hurt sometimes. He always felt silly after doubting their relationship, because it was in fact perfect. Sure, they occasionally had arguments, what couple didn’t? I mean, look at his parents. Gray always made him feel on top of the world, and every single day they spent together would always be the best day ever.

Dan wanted to spend the rest of his life with Gray, he’d come to that conclusion a long time ago. He knew Gray was the one, he always had been. Dan had thought about having a family with him on multiple occasions, and it was something that made him crave for the future.

Dan reached the cafe in record time, his thoughts distracting him from the outside world. He pulled open the glass door, a soothing chime alerting his arrival. There were a few people scattered through the quaint building, having quiet conversations, or studying for who knows what. Dan took a seat in a corner booth after ordering a hot chocolate, which a waiter brought out within five minutes.

As he sipped his drink, Dan took a good look around the room. The blue floral wallpaper was obviously quite old, as it was peeling off at the baseboards. The floor was a dark oak wood, which gave a homey aura. The atmosphere of the entire place was just nice, and the people were so kind. Dan always felt welcome to find himself here, the employees giving him friendly smiles every time one passed by his secluded booth.

He finished off his hot chocolate, wiping the corners of his mouth with a napkin. As much as he would have like to stay here for the rest of the afternoon and evening, he really had to get going. It was nearly five o’clock, and he wanted to pick up something for Gray. He loved giving gifts to Gray, to thank him for everything he has done. Gray always tells him not to, but Dan just can’t help it. It means something to Dan himself when he gives his boyfriend something. The smile on the other boy’s face is worth it every single time.

After he paid for his drink, he made his way back outside. Worry flashed through him when he looked up at the sky to find the clouds had darkened significantly. The faint smell of rain lingered in the air, but Dan continued on. He found himself walking into a small clothing store half an hour later, which was filled with other teenagers. He took one look around, and found that the majority of the items in there were definitely things Gray would wear.

Their styles were basically the complete opposites, Dan preferring to wear mostly dark clothes and skinny jeans, whereas Gray always wore colorful v-necks with simple blue jeans. Dan used to absolutely despise v-necks, but ever since he and Gray started dating, he found his closet slowly but surely filling up with the garments. 

He looked around for a bit before deciding on a dark green shirt that would surely compliment the other boys eyes nicely. It was a bit expensive, but he bought it so he could see the smile that was bound to be on Gray's face. When Dan payed, the time on his phone read 17:45, so he looked around in the surrounding shops for roughly fifteen minutes before starting the twenty minute walk to the cinema.

-

18:35

To: Gray

hey, where are you? xxx

-

Dan was sat patiently on a bench outside of the cinema when it started to downpour. He was only wearing a light cardigan, so he was immediately soaked. Gray was five minutes late, which Dan supposed he shouldn’t be too worried about, but it was freezing outside. He glanced around at all the people rushing inside the building, some sending him pity-filled looks. He held a gift bag in his hands, which were shaking from the cold. His hair was beginning to curl, and his teeth were chattering. A string of curse words left his mouth when he pulled out his phone and found no reply from his boyfriend.

-

18:45

To: Gray

gray? the movie starts in 15.. where are you? xx

-  
18:47

To: Gray

should i just buy my ticket? we could meet inside? xx

-

18:50

To: Gray

it’s really cold out here, gray. hurry please? x

-

By now, Dan was completely drenched. He considered going inside, but he didn’t want to miss Gray. His whole body was shaking, and his hands were completely numb. Dan squeezed his eyes shut and set the gift bag down beside him on the bench. He brought his hands up to his mouth and blew on them, trying to warm them up, but failing. He didn’t see Gray’s car in the parking lot, but he could be using his mum’s.

-

19:10

To: Gray

babe..? x

-

19:20

To: Gray

i’m only waiting for another ten minutes, grayson. this is ridiculous. where are you?

-

19:35

To: Gray

i’m going home. i’m completely soaked, i can’t feel half of my body, and by now there’s no point in even waiting anymore. call me later, i guess. i love you.

-

Dan lied. He waited outside in the pouring rain until the movie finished at nine-fifteen. Tears were pouring down his face, but there must’ve been a valid reason as to why Gray bailed and didn’t tell him. To be completely honest, he didn’t even want to go home. He wanted to keep waiting, he knew Grayson wouldn’t just stand him up like that. Maybe Dan just didn’t go to the right cinema, or he misheard Gray when he told him the time. That was probably it. Dan wouldn’t be surprised if it was, in fact, him who ruined the date.

It sure was a sight, a five foot nine tall teenage boy walking home in the rain with a puffy face, crying his eyes out at nine o’clock at night. A sopping gift bag hung from his right arm, the contents inside probably ruined. When the boy arrived home, his parents were already sound asleep, oblivious to their sobbing son in the room across the house.

Dan didn’t stay up until an ungodly hour that night. In fact, right as he got home he stripped down to his boxers and cried himself to sleep, his most likely water-logged phone on silent.

-

23:48

From: Gray

sorry i couldnt make it babe, mum needed help around the house. forgive me? i love u, call me when u wake upxxx

-


	2. Two

As Dan got up to get ready for school the following morning, he was oblivious to the text message that sat unopened in his phone. After the previous days events, he really just wanted to stay home and not even face Grayson, but he knew it was most likely an accident. Grayson would never purposefully ditch him like that. 

It took him longer than usual to get ready. He had the familiar feeling of bricks piled on his chest, and he knew today wasn’t going to be particularly pleasant. The thought of school made him want to hydro pump everywhere, but still, he trudged on. The walk to school was a rather short one, so he reached the tall brown building in less than fifteen minutes. He was still half an hour early, and if he was being honest with himself, he did miss Gray, even with the events of last night. He pulled his phone out of the pocket of his black skinny jeans, smiling when he saw the message from Gray that was sent last night.

He knew he was worried for nothing, and he felt so stupid for ever doubting his boyfriend. It was as if yesterday hadn’t happened, as if Dan hadn’t cried himself to sleep the night before. It was erased from his memory. Grinning from ear to ear, Dan typed out a quick text telling Gray to meet him by the front gate. He immediately got a response, unlike yesterday, saying he would be there quickly. This time, he actually showed up. But then again, why wouldn’t he? 

It immediately brightened Dan’s day whenever he saw Gray. His glowing blonde hair, his stunning forest green eyes, and of course his welcoming smile. It was like home to Dan, so familiar and comforting.

Gray walked over to where Dan was leaning against the fence, his stride confident and bouncy. It always blew Dan’s mind, how someone could be so physically and emotionally flawless. Gray was perfection to Dan, and he assumed the feeling was reciprocated. Or, at least, he hoped it was.

“Hey, Dan. How are you?” Gray asked, scooping the shorter boy into a tight hug. He moved Dan's hair off of his forehead, and pressed a soft kiss there.

Dan giggled softly, wrapping his arms around Gray’s middle. “I’m great now that I’m with you.” He looked up into emerald pools, getting captivated by them as always. “Have I told you that you have the most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen? I think I have.”

Gray let out a chuckle, shaking his head slightly. “Both of those statements had to be the cheesiest things you’ve ever said, Daniel. You’re such a nerd.” He gave Dan a love-filled look, stroking the smaller boys cheek. 

Dan scrunched his nose up, his smile taking over his face. “But you love me for it. It is one of my greatest qualities.” He squeaked when Gray poked his left dimple, and he leaned up to quickly kiss him. As usual, he felt a whole zoo stomp through his tummy, leaving him with a blissful feeling. This just made him smile wider.

When the two leaned back, Gray released Dan and grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers firmly. “That is true, I do love you. Wanna head to the canteen? We still have a good twenty minutes until we have to head to maths.”

Dan squeezed his hand and nodded. The two made their way into the mute brown building, pointless banter passing back and forth. They took a seat at one of the many benches littered around the large canteen, sitting side by side. Dan rested his head on Gray's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his torso. He felt the taller boy rest his hand in his hair, and soon enough the strands were being lightly tugged.

The other students had grown use to the two boys always hanging off of each other. Their school wasn’t homophobic in the slightest, in fact the majority of Dan and Gray’s year thought their relationship was the sweetest thing ever, and most people had always been supportive of the two. They were basically the school's golden couple, so much that even the teachers couldn’t help but put them together in any activity, seating arrangement, or partner project. This, of course, was extremely beneficial for them. They had four classes together, and the in the other two they were constantly texting one another. It was quite a good system, to be completely honest.

“Gray? Are you busy today after school?” Dan asked after the silence between the two became too overwhelming. He really wanted to spend quality time with Gray out of school, and he hadn’t been able to in a while. He played with the hem of Gray’s blue t-shirt, the fabric gliding through his fingers softly.

He felt Gray’s hand freeze in his hair for half a second before continuing to glide through the slightly burnt locks. “How long? Mum said she needs me home by half four.”

Dan frowned slightly, that would only give them an hour and a half. He shrugged,”That’s fine, I just wanted to hang out for a bit. We rarely see one another outside of school anymore. Why’s your mum always needing your help lately?” He questioned, looking up into Grays eyes. 

Gray broke eye contact with Dan shortly, a hidden emotion passing through his eyes. “She’s just needed extra help around the house, and since my little brother is usually out and about I’m the only one available,” he said, giving Dan a reassuring smile.

Dan scrunched his eyebrows up in confusion. “But I thought your brother was ill or something. You’re always staying home to babysit him.”

Gray visibly gulped, and turned his head away from Dan. “Um, yeah, he has been? It’s- the whole situation is complicated, I just need to be home on time. But we can hang out after school, yeah?” Dan could practically smell the nervousness on Gray, and he was so confused.

Shaking his head, Dan smiled sadly up at Gray. “It’s cool, you have things to do and I don’t want to keep you from your family. I have revision to do anyways, we can just do it another time.” It made Dan a bit sad to say this, but he truthfully didn’t want to annoy Gray with his constant clinginess.

A tight smile made its way onto the taller boys face. “Yeah, that sounds good. Another time.” Gray glanced at the large digital clock that hung in the canteen, relief flooding through his green eyes. “Y’know babe, I’m not feeling too well. I think I’m gonna head home,” he muttered, kissing Dan lightly and ruffling his brown locks. He untangled their limbs and stood up, holding out a hand to Dan.

Dan took his hand, Gray pulling him up beside him, and gave him a tight squeeze. “You’ve probably caught whatever your brother has, do you want me to walk you to your car?” he asked, looking up and frowning. Gray didn’t look ill, and he had been fine all morning. 

Gray waved his offer off, stepping back from Dan’s grip. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright? Don’t miss me too much.” He smiled grimly, running his hand down Dan’s cheek, and turning to leave. Gray got about ten meters away before halting in his tracks. He turned around and jogged back over to Dan, engulfing the small boy into a secure hug. “Dan, promise me if anything happens you’ll call me. I’ll come pick you up and take you home, alright?” Gray whispered, putting his head on top of Dan’s. Dan nodded lightly, moving his head and looking up into his boyfriend's caring eyes.

“Of course, don’t I always?” he murmured, smiling brightly. Gray smiled back, leaning down to kiss Dan. 

“See you, I love you Dan.” And with that, he released Dan and jogged out of the door.

It took a moment for Dan to recover from what had just happened, but he shook it off anyways. He decided to start walking to class as he only had ten minutes until the late bell rang, and he preferred getting there early anyways. As he walked through the hallways he got shot multiple questioning looks, and he figured it was because Gray wasn’t there by his side. It wasn’t often that the two were apart. At least, that’s how it seemed to everyone else.

He arrived to his maths class a few minutes before the bell rang and took his usual seat in the back corner of the classroom, setting his book bag down on the ground. Maths was the class he had the most trouble with, therefore he often tried to sit further away from Grayson than he normally did. Granted, they were only one seat apart, and said seat happened to be unoccupied so it didn’t do much at all, really. Hence the word ‘tried’.

The majority of the class was already in their seats, but their teacher, Mr. Raymond, wasn’t sitting at his desk drinking his cup of morning coffee, which Dan found a bit odd.

“Oi, Dan, did you hear? We’ve got a new kid today,” one of Dan's friends, PJ, said, turning around to face him. PJ smiled reassuringly at the surprised look on Dan's face. It wasn’t too often their school got new kids, and it was always a bit worrisome. As no one was really homophobic in their small town, it was a small concern when someone new moved in.

Dan’s heart sped up, his chest tightening painfully, much like how it was earlier this morning when he woke up. He wrung his hands together in his lap, his bottom lip curling into his mouth. “Does, uh, do you- does anyone know their, well, opinion on, um-,” he trailed off, glancing anxiously up at Peej. Dan could feel anxiety bubbling up inside of him, causing him to bite his bottom lip roughly.

PJ let out a quiet chuckle, shaking his head back and forth. “He’s flaming, Dan. Chris met him yesterday in town, and he wasn’t exactly hiding it. You and your boyfriend will be fine. Besides, even if he was homophobic, he would probably get attacked if he said anything to you or Gray.”

Dan sighed in relief, giving PJ a thankful smile. “Yeah, I guess so.” PJ returned the smile and turned back around right as their teacher walked in, accompanied by a tall, raven haired boy.The whole of the class looked up front, curiosity taking over their faces. 

“Quiet down, everyone. This is Phil, I expect all of you to treat him with respect. If I hear anything even remotely rude, I will not hesitate to contact your parents. Is that clear?” Mr. Raymond said, giving a stern glare to everyone in the class.

Murmurs of ‘yes sir’ flowed through the classroom, causing the old man to roll his eyes. “Good to know everyone’s awake this morning. Alright, Phil, you can take a seat beside Howell in the back, the one with the ridiculous haircut,” Sir said, clapping his hands together and smiling brightly at Dan. Dan felt his face flush, as everyone was staring at him.

Phil giggled, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He glanced at Dan, his eyes sparkling a bit. “Sir, I have the same exact haircut, but in the opposite direction.” He had a warm voice, a hint of northern peaking out.

Sir nodded and sat down at his desk. “Yes? Doesn’t make it any less ridiculous. Take a seat, Lester. You’ll fit in fine with Daniel, PJ, and Grayson.” As Phil took his seat in the back right next to Dan, Mr. Raymond looked over the class, stopping at Graysons seat. He did a double take, only now noticing that Grayson was absent. “Howell, where is Mr. Edgeworth on this fine Monday morning? Skiving this early in the week? Usually he waits until Wednesday.”

Dan coughed, all of the attention making him even more squirmy. “He wasn’t feeling too well this morning, so he went home. Sir.” He twisted his hands together, looking down at his desk. Sir nodded, and began talking to the class about the next lesson they’d be going over. Dan sighed in relief, happy to have the attention focused on something other than him.

The dark haired boy next to him chuckled, which made Dan look up and give him a confused glimpse. “Pardon?” he whispered, furrowing his eyebrows together.

Phil shook his head side to side, still grinning. “Nothing, you’re just cute. Adorable, really.”

Dan was about to reply that, in fact, that statement was inappropriate because he did have a boyfriend, a boyfriend of three years to be exact, but it was that moment that Mr. Raymond took notice of the one way conversation going on in the back and politely told them to shut up. Dan was left blushing brightly, and Phil was smiling smugly.

The rest of the class period was spent with Dan hastily writing down equations, and frequently bumping arms with Phil because Dan was left handed and Phil was right handed. By the end of the lesson, Dan was flushed and one hundred percent embarrassed. When the bell rang, Dan shot out of his seat, throwing his bag over his shoulder at record speed. Although, before he could get away, Phil grabbed his wrist and turned him around. 

Dan jumped fifty feet in the air, not expecting to be basically assaulted by his new classmate. Dan inwardly rolled his eyes, and sighed. “Yes?” he grumbled out, looking into Phil’s ocean blue eyes, clearly annoyed. Phil immediately let go of the other boys arm, but still stood in front of him.

Phil cleared his throat, breaking eye contact with the shorter boy. “I was actually wondering, uh, if you wanted to get coffee sometime, or something? If not that’s cool, but I think you’re rather attractive, and I’m not even sure if you like, well, you know, boys, but yeah,” he said, his words full of insecurity. He glanced back down into Dan's mocha eyes, smiling lightly.

Dans face softened when he realized how nerve-wracked Phil was. He smiled apologetically, placing his hand gently on the taller boys shoulder. He looked up into Phil’s blue eyes, and sighed. “I actually have a boyfriend, so..” he trailed off, removing his hand from the Phils shoulder, realizing how intrusive he was being. “But we could go as friends? I have no plans after school today.” Dan inwardly sighed, Grayson popping up into his mind.

Phils face fell, a small frown making its way onto his face. “Yeah, that’d be cool. Sorry, I didn’t realize. May I ask who, if that’s not too rude?”

Dan chuckled, giving him a reassuring glance. “It’s cool, you’re fine. You didn’t know. Um, his name is Grayson, he’s the one Sir was asking about earlier,” Dan mumbled, a loving smile taking over his face at the thought of Grayson.

Phil shifted uncomfortably, and glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. “Well, we should probably get going if we don’t want to be late. What class do you have next?” he asked, his voice significantly less confident than it was when he first entered the classroom. 

Snapping out of the daydreams about his perfect boyfriend, Dan let out a few curse words under his breath. His next class was all the way across to school, and there was no way he would make it in time. He began walking, Phil trailing behind him. “I have English with Madame Ansley, what about you?” Dan said politely, shooting Phil a soft smile despite the uncomfortable pressure building in his chest.

Phils eyes widened slightly,”Same, actually. D’you reckon we could sit together?” The hopeful expression on Phil's face made Dan feel slightly guilty, as English was one of the classes that had free seating arrangements, and he usually sat in a secluded corner with Gray.

Dan didn’t reply as they continued to walk, hoping that Phil would think that Dan just didn’t hear him. Dan wasn’t usually this unapproachable, but the thought that someone other than Gray found him attractive made him slightly uncomfortable. He’d grown so accustom to having Gray be the only person who would even consider thinking of him as more than a friend, the feeling that someone else could see Dan dateable was so foreign. It wasn’t as if he didn’t find it flattering, because he did, very much so, it just surprised him. And the fact that Phil was so upfront about it was a bit startling.

The bell rang right as Dan and Phil reached the classroom, causing Dan to let out a few hushed curses. Dan turned to Phil, a serious look on his soft face.

“Please, for the sake of both of our lives, act like a toddler who got lost in the shops alone. She will literally murder us if she thinks we were skiving, so if she asks, you were lost and I just happened to run into you and offer my help. Got it?” Dan whispered. He knew his voice was shaky, as he was extremely nervous.

Phil chuckled, not quietly either, and Dan glared at him. “Phil, I’m serious. Unless you have an actual death wish, I suggest you listen to me.”

After realizing that Dan wasn’t joking, Phil nodded frantically, giving Dan two thumbs up. Dan nodded, and motioned for Phil to open the dull grey door.

When the two entered the room, all eyes gravitated towards them. Madame Ansley looked at Dan, disappointment filling her burning amber eyes. She stood up from her desk, taking in the two boys’ forms that were residing awkwardly by the door.

Dan shuffled uncomfortably, looking down at the ground. He pulled the edges of his sleeves over his hands, a nervous tick he’s had since he was little. His mouth was dry, because frankly, Madame scared the absolute shit out of him, and he knew she was aware of this. “Miss, I’m really sorry, I, uh- Phil here- well-” he stuttered, a loud choke escaping his mouth, cutting him off. 

He saw Phil look at him curiously from the corner of his eye, but tears were quickly clouding his vision. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. “God dammit,” he mumbled, lifting his hands up and digging the heels into his eyes. Of course this would happen now.

“Mr. Howell? Is there something wrong?” Madame asked, but Dan kept his eyes shut, not wanting to face all of the stares. He could hear the whispers, and he could feel the stares that were burning into him. He heard Madame say something to Phil, and soon enough he was being led out of the door. He still had his hands pressed to his face, and he felt his whole body shaking. 

The feeling was extremely familiar to Dan. The weight in his chest, the tears rapidly forming in the corners of his eyes, his body shaking like a leaf. He would love to say that it didn’t affect him because it happened so often, but he’d be lying. It always made him feel like absolute crap, physically and emotionally. 

Someone, who he was assumed was Phil, sat him down against a wall after removing his bag from his shoulder. Dan immediately wrapped his arms around his knees, burying his face into his jean clad legs. Quiet sobs escaped his mouth, making it hard for him to breathe.

“Dan? Can you look at me for a second?” Dan heard Phil’s soft voice say. A comforting hand was placed on Dan's back, rubbing soothing circles into the tensed muscles.

Dan lifted his head up, and it felt like it weighed a thousand tons. With tears still pouring down his face, he looked at Phil questioningly. He physically couldn’t talk, as sobs were silently cutting him off. His chest hurt, and his heart was beating so fast. Dan knew his face was red and splotchy, eyes puffy, and his hair was probably starting to curl from sweat. Overall, he looked extremely unattractive, but he couldn’t be bothered. He had lost count of how many times Gray had seen him like this.

Phil smiled at him reassuringly, his hand moving from Dan’s back to his forehead, and he pushed the chestnut locks off of Dan’s face. “Hey, you’re alright. It’s just me and you here, no one is judging you, not even in that classroom. In fact, I bet most of them are extremely worried about you, Dan. Just try to match my breathing, okay?” Phil whispered, wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist.

Dan’s eyes were unfocused, and he wasn’t really there at all, but he knew the situation looked very intimate with Phil’s arm where it currently rested. And despite being in the middle of an anxiety attack, he still found it in him to scoot away so Phil’s arm fell off of his waist. He had a boyfriend, Phil should know that these types of actions were unacceptable.

Phil coughed, turning his head towards his lap. “Sorry, I-” he started, but was cut off by footsteps and Dan’s name being shouted.

Dan’s head shot up, and his heart rate slowed down from its painful speed. Although tears were still pouring down his face, he couldn’t have been happier to see the boy who was running towards him. He scrambled up, totally forgetting about Phil sitting next to him. More sobs wracked through Dan’s body when Grayson pulled him into a tight, bonecrushing hug.

“Oh my God, Dan, I’m so, so sorry,” Gray mumbled into the top of Dan’s head. One of his hands was woven in the shorter boys hair, the other wrapped securely around his middle. “Chris texted me and told me what happened, I got here as soon as I could. I shouldn’t have left this morning, I’m such an idiot.” Gray pulled back and lifted Dan’s chin up with the hand that was previously in Dan’s hair. “Do you want to go home? Or we could go to my house, it doesn’t matter,” he rushed out. His eyes were quickly darting back and forth between Dan’s, his forehead creased. Before Dan could reply, Gray pulled him against his chest again, squeezing him tighter than before.

The sobs coming out of Dan had intensified, and he was sure everyone in that wing of the school could hear him. His hands had gathered Gray’s t-shirt in strained fists, the material getting slightly damp from Dan’s sweat. “I h- hate this,” Dan whimpered in a small voice. “I don’t- I j- just, shit, Gray, it- it’s so h- hard,” he blubbered.

Gray rubbed Dan’s back, whispering comforting words into his ear. Tears were now leaking out of Gray’s eyes as well, dripping off of his cheeks onto Dan’s shirt. “Let’s get you home, yeah?” Gray pulled back, smiling sadly at Dan.

Dan nodded, releasing Gray’s shirt from his grasp. “Backpack,” he whispered, pointing to where his bag laid on the floor. He started hiccuping, the sound of his small sobs mixing with them. It was extremely melancholy.

Gray chuckled, the sound empty, but turned around anyways. He only just noticed the lanky dark haired boy sitting on the ground, his gaze cast downward, and hands fiddling with the bottom of his jumper. Gray narrowed his eyes, obviously a bit peeved. “Pardon, mate, but who are you?”

Phil’s head shot up, a sheepish smile making its way onto his face. “Wow, this must look quite bad,” he rushed out. He stood up swiftly, brushing off his black skinnies. He held his hand out for Grayson to shake, receiving an unimpressed look from the other. Phil coughed awkwardly, retracting his hand back to his side. “Um, I’m Phil Lester. I’m new here, and I was just, uh, walking to class with Dan because we had our first lesson together, and well, Madame asked me to take him out here and make sure he was alright, so I did, and I thought it would be rude of me to just leave without making sure he was in good hands-” Phil froze, his eyes widening in shock. He began furiously shaking his head. “Not th- that I think he’s in bad hands when he’s with you, I just- Oh, bloody hell-”

Grayson held up a hand, signalling him to stop. “It’s fine, mate. Breathe. Just asking, not interrogating,” he replied. He sighed, shooting a small smile at Phil. “But thanks, for making sure Dan was okay. I feel horrible for not being here, and not a lot of people would do what you did so,” he trailed off, looking down at his feet.

Dan, who had been trying to control his breathing during the exchange, let out a rather loud cry. His eyes were squeezed shut, and his arms wrapped tight around his body. His breath was beginning to quicken again, and both Phil and Grayson rushed to his side. 

Grayson looked over to Phil, ”I’ve really got to get him home, mate. Can you talk to Madame Ansley and tell her what happened?” he uttered.

Nodding hastily, Phil walked to the door to the classroom. “I hope he gets better,” Phil said, smiling at Grayson.

Pressing his mouth in a tight line, Grayson let out a curt nod. He wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, and began walking in the direction of the exit. The echo of a door slamming shut filled the hallway, and Grayson let out a sigh of relief. He glance down at Dan, who was hanging off of his arm, still letting out heart-breaking sounds.

Tears welled up in Grayson's eyes as he looked at the damaged boy beside him. It hurt him to see Dan like this, to see how truthfully broken he was on the inside. It was horrifying how something as little as a teacher being stern towards him could break him down this far.

They exited the school building, Dan attracting the looks of many students passing by. Grayson led them to his car, helping Dan into the passenger seat, buckling him up securely. As soon as his head his the head rest, he was out like a light, probably physically and emotionally exhausted.

After closing the passenger door and getting into the driver's seat, Grayson rested his head on the steering wheel, grabbing fistfuls of hair. “Fucking hell,” he let out in a hushed voice. He leaned back in his seat, gazing over at the sleeping boy whose hair was curly again, making him look so innocent, so sheltered. “I swear to every God, I love you Daniel, and I’m screwing up, so bad,” he whispered, caressing Dan’s cheek.

Of course it hurt to see your lifelong best friend, your boyfriend, completely broken down and raw. But it hurt even more to know that you were breaking him even further, and he didn’t even know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowza,,,,, it's been a while. this is for maddie, who has been pushing me to finish this (it didn't work very well, the threats) but yes, I hope you enjoyed this and I hope I have the next chapter up in less than two months (^:


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it has been like two months again, even though I said it wouldn't be. yikes.

Warmth. For Dan, it was quite a familiar feeling that he paired with multiple things. Be it his cozy duvet, his long sleeved jumpers he had acquired in his life, or even his laptop, Dan knew the feeling of warmth. Although, the first thing that always managed to pop into Dan’s head whenever he felt, or even thought of the sensation, was Gray. It had always been that way, since they were young. It wasn’t even a romantic feeling, it was just a sense of comfort that had been present for years. It was, without a doubt, the one thing Dan was always craving. The feeling of someone he loves holding his hand, or wrapping him up in a tight embrace was so appealing in every way. He’d always been someone who loved physical contact, the reassurance that someone was always within arms reach, someone was always there to protect him. He did, of course, have some boundaries.

It put Dan in a type of hysteria when he felt constricted. He lost all train of thought if someone was holding him down, or restricting his body movement in any way. Obviously there was a difference when it came to tight hugs and intimate moments versus, say, being pinned to the ground with someone's whole weight basically handicapping him. He also hated it when someone hugged him and placed their hands below his mid-back (unless it was Grayson, because Dan knew for a fact Grayson would never try to hurt him). It was often a large trigger when it came to his anxiety, especially at family gatherings when people who he hadn’t seen for years decided it was perfectly okay to squeeze the life (and sometimes sanity) out of Dan.

Now, Dan obviously wasn’t a mind reader, nor was he psychic, so when he woke up and felt the weight of another human being holding him tightly, his breathing quickened for the second time that day, and more blind panic made its way into his mind. 

“Dan? Hey, it’s alright, it’s just me,” a voice next to him whispered, releasing Dan from the tight hold. Dan recognized the voice as Gray, who then leaned over Dan, resting his arm above his head.

Dan’s eyes opened, and he relaxed immediately one he saw the comforting shades of green fill his vision. He sighed, a smile making it’s way onto his face. “Sorry, Gray, I’m still pretty anxious, I guess.” He brought his hand up from by his side, and he gently stroked Gray’s hair off of his forehead. The boy above him smiled, leaning down to kiss Dan.

After one of Dan’s episodes, he always liked distractions. He knew he eventually had to acknowledge the attack, and tell his therapist, but the thought that he was broken, not like everyone else, made him ache for normality. He would take any form of distraction, but his favorite was definitely Grayson.

Dan wrapped his arms around Gray’s neck, pulling him down closer. The feeling of Gray’s lips on his own was enough to distract him, but today he wanted a stronger diversion from his emotions. 

Gray swung his leg over Dan, deepening the kiss and running the hand that wasn’t holding him up down Dan’s arm. The pulled apart slightly and their gazes met.

“I love you so much, Gray,” Dan whispered, his voice rough. He wrapped his legs around Gray’s middle, pulling him down closer, if that was even possible. Now Grayson was basically laying on top of Dan, and the shorter boy was overwhelmed with want. 

“I love you too, Dan. Are you sure okay with this? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Gray replied, searching Dan’s eyes for hesitation, finding none.

“Gray, please, you know what that answer is,” Dan pleaded. Grayson had always been aware of Dan’s tendencies after one of his breakdowns, and he usually didn’t hesitate because he knew Dan wanted to feel normal and like a real person. The fact he had actually asked for Dan’s consent would have been reassuring in any other situation, but Dan found it odd. Nonetheless, Dan brought his lips back to Grays.

Gray kissed back lightly, running his hands through the others hair. Dan pulled roughly at the bottom of Gray’s shirt, making it ride more than half way up his torso. “Gray, off,” Dan murmured against his lips.

Caught in the moment, Gray sat back on his heels and removed his shirt, tossing it across Dan’s room. He leaned back down, grinning at Dan, but the boy below him was frozen in place, his gaze focused on Gray’s chest. And not in the nice way. His eyes held pounds of confusion, and his bottom lip was curled into his mouth, a telltale sign he was nervous and confused.

“Dan? Babe, what’s wrong?” Gray asked, his breath catching in the back of his throat. He sat back up once again.

Dan furrowed his brows, looking up at Gray with a puzzled expression. “Gray, I don’t remember giving you those,” he whispered, training his focus back on his boyfriend's chest and stomach, which were littered with purple marks.

Grayson looked down at his own stomach, his eyes going wide. “Dan I- Oh God,” he mumbled. He placed his palms against his eyes, cursing silently.

“I- I did giv- I must have done that Gray, it’s not like you’d do that to yourself or anything,” he breathed out, practically pleading for Gray to confirm this. Dan didn’t remember making the marks, and it would have been extremely out of character for him anyways. He himself didn’t like it when Grayson gave him hickies. Dan believed that you shouldn’t bruise people you love, even if those types of bruises were meant to show affection.

Grayson hesitated slightly, but Dan missed it. “Yeah, um, Friday, when I spent the night, you must’ve been tired- You were a bit, well, tipsy, you must’ve just forgotten or something of the sorts, you know how you get with alcohol.” Gray gave Dan a reassuring smile, placing his hands back by Dan’s tan arms. He gave them a gentle squeeze, leaning down to kiss Dan.

Dan tilted his head, making it so Grayson’s lips landed on his jaw rather than his own lips. “Gray, I- you know how I am about that stuff. Did we even drink anything Friday night? I don’t remember that either.” Dan was disgusted with himself. The thought of marking up his own boyfriend with purple bruises made him want to vomit. 

Gray moved over to Dan’s side, wrapping him up in a loving embrace. “Don’t you trust me, Dan?” 

Dan sighed, closing his eyes and snuggling into Gray’s side. “Of course I do, it just seems so… Off, you know? I hate hickies, and I don’t like to drink too much either. I mean, I believe you, if you’re saying that I did that to you, then of course I believe you, but I-,” he huffed in irritation, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. Dan opened his eyes and looked over at Gray, who looked extremely guilty. “Gray? What’s wrong?”

Exhaling loudly, Gray sat up on Dan’s bed. “Dan, it’s okay. You were drunk, and we both know you’re not yourself when you have alcohol. Let’s just drop it, okay?” 

As Dan was laying on the bed, and Grayson was sitting up facing towards the door, Dan could clearly see the tension in Gray’s back. Gray didn’t usually tend to get stressed easily, so when he did, he got irritable. Dan knew this from experience, as it had been the cause of some of their major arguments. He wasn’t particularly hoping for a fight right now, but he never really knew how to approach Gray when he got like this, so he usually just settled for small talk. (Even though this occasionally made Gray even more irked, but Dan was a bit oblivious.)

Right as Dan was about to make a seriously dumb comment about pollution, Gray got up off of the bed and snatched his shirt from the floor and threw it on. He turned to face Dan, a tick in his jaw. “I have to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? I really hope you’re feeling better, and don’t hesitate to call me if you have another attack, okay? Love you, Dan,” he rushed out, not meeting Dan’s eyes. He turned around hastily, making an exit much like he did earlier that day in the canteen.

And again, Dan just sat there, completely muddled.

-

Dan ended up falling asleep right after Grayson left, which turned out to be just as good of a distraction as making out with Grayson was. He would have preferred the latter, but it was pretty obvious his boyfriend didn’t want to be around him much lately. This, of course, didn’t make Dan feel any better about himself, but feeling shitty is what he did best.

When he woke up, it was already dark outside, meaning he slept through a good part of the day. He figured his parents weren’t home, as there wasn’t any yelling going on downstairs. Dan was kind of dreading the time that his parents arrived, because he knew they would yell at him for missing most of school. They wouldn’t even care about the reason why, which sounded sad, but Dan knew his parents didn’t really understand or care about his attacks or anything surrounding them. They paid for therapy and medication, but that was about it.They only did that much so they wouldn’t look like bad parents. It was something Dan had grown used to, and he couldn’t really change it, could he?

He sat up in his bed, yawning loudly. He threw the duvet covers off of his lap, and stood up shakily. Dan groaned when he realized he didn’t have his skinny jeans on anymore, and they were replaced with loose sweatpants. A dark blush covered his face, because he knew for a fact he didn’t change himself. He shouldn’t have been embarrassed about this, as Grayson had seen him in less than boxers before, but he was asleep and there’s just something awkward about that.

Shaking the silly thoughts out of his head (because Grayson would never take advantage of him, or hurt him), Dan made his way down the stairs, noticing that the one at the bottom had a nail sticking out of it. He shrugged internally, if his parents stepped on it, it was their fault he supposed. He hopped off of the last step and turned into the archway that lead into the lounge. The thing he found funny about that room was the fact that pictures of him and his family seemed to have stopped right before he turned fifteen. Ironic, as that was when he had come out and when him and Grayson had started dating (if you could even call it that, as they were fourteen). He felt his mouth turn down in a frown, and of course, more tears gathered in the corners of his eyes.

He was such a baby! He was seventeen for God’s sake, not seven. Dan could most likely fill a whole swimming pool with the amount of tears he had let out today, but what was new?

Dan let out a harsh laugh, shaking his head. “What is wrong with me?” he mumbled, wiping his hands roughly across his face. “God, help me,” he grumbled, sighing. Dan made the rest of his way into the lounge, throwing himself onto the couch. It wasn’t often he got to spend time in this room, as it was always occupied, whether it be by his drunk father and mother, or the company they regularly had over.

He wished he had more opportunities to be in this room, as it did hold a ton of great memories. Before his parents had started avoiding him, they had family night every Sunday, and sometimes Gray and his family would join. They would all sit in here, laughing and having the time of their lives. He missed that. It seemed as though everyone was a lot closer before Dan was labeled as a screw up.

And, surprise, that was also before Dan had been diagnosed with panic disorder. He was about twelve when he was actually taken in to the doctors, although he had almost always had anxiety attacks regularly. His parents had just never bothered until Dan’s teachers said something. Even Grayson’s mum had been concerned and had continuously asked about it.

He thought about the first time Grayson had seen him have a serious panic attack, one that was above a seven. They were twelve and thirteen at the time, and they were at a park they used to frequent when they were younger. It was right after Dan’s parents had taken him in, so the whole situation was still new to him.

\--

They were walking with their pinkies linked in between them, their feet squishing the grass beneath them as they padded across the field. Their coats were wrapped snugly against them, the cold January air making them shiver. The park was pretty empty, seeing as it was late on a Thursday night. The two preteens were laughing and passing playful banter back and forth, swinging their hands up and down.

“Dan, what happened when you went to the doctors? My mum wouldn’t tell me, she said it was personal. But we’re best friends, right? I wanna know why you are sick,” Gray asked, the question seemingly innocent. After all, he just wanted to make sure his friend was okay.

Dan stopped walking, his curly hair falling in his face from the sudden movement. He pushed the thick locks out of his face with his free hand, ignoring Grayson’s question. “We should be heading home, don’t you think Gray?” Dan murmured, keeping his head down. He began walking again, but Gray held him back.

“Dan, please. Don’t you trust me? I won’t tell anyone,” Gray said, pulling Dan closer to him. The younger boy stumbled next to Gray.

Dan looked into Gray’s eyes, sighing heavily. “Gray, of course I trust you, and I know you won’t tell, but I-”

Gray cut him off, pulling Dan into a hug. “Dan, please, I want to help you,” he whispered into Dan’s hair. He was quite a bit taller than Dan, he always had been.

Dan wrapped his arms around Gray’s torso tightly, placing his head on his chest. He could hear his heart thumping speedily. “Fine, but you have to swear not to tell anyone, it’s embarrassing.”

“I promise, silly. Now what happened?” Gray replied, smiling down at Dan.

Dan stepped out of Gray’s hold and sat down on the damp grass. Gray sat down beside him, putting an arm over the brunettes shoulder. Dan had his lip tucked away in between his teeth, and he was gnawing on it nervously.

Gray lifted his forefinger up and tapped lightly on Dan’s lip, silently telling Dan to let his lip go. He’d made it bleed on too many occasions. Reluctantly, Dan let the pink skin ping back into place.

Dan pulled his knees up to his chest and let out a deep breath. “I- I really didn’t understand at first, but mum told me I was broken. The doctor said I had something called ‘panic disorder’, which is why I get really anxious easily. When Miss called me up in front of the class last week and I started crying and I couldn’t breathe, they said it was a panic attack. Sometimes they are smaller though, and I was told to rate them on a scale of one to ten. That was a five. I have to take these pills, they control my anxiety, because that’s a big part of what’s wrong. I don’t like them,” Dan said, his brown eyes filling with moisture. He was getting worked up rather quickly. “Mum and dad said it cost a lot of money, especially the therapist I have to go to every week. Dad called me a burden, which made me kind of sad. It’s not my fault, is it Gray?” He was blubbering at this point, and snot was dripping out of his cold nose. “I mean, I-I always kn- ew I wasn’t normal, everyone at sch- school told me that, but I didn’t know I was b- broken!” Dan was whimpering, and he was shaking, and it felt like someone was stepping on his chest. He was confused, and he wanted to breathe, but he couldn’t. He didn’t like acknowledging anything that made him feel like less of a human being, he’d always been that way. It made him upset

Gray began panicking as well, but not at the same intensity Dan was, obviously. “Dan, hey? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Grayson asked firmly, but the younger boy wasn’t responding. It was as if Dan had built up a wall in his mind, and nothing was getting through to him. Grayson kept trying to get his attention, but nothing was working.

He knew he shouldn’t have been, but Grayson was getting frustrated. Dan wasn’t listening to him, and he was trying to help. “Dan, seriously! What’s wrong with you?” Grayson yelled, practically shoving the boy next to him.

Dan yelped, and he scrambled away from Grayson, curling in on himself. Anyone could see how badly the boy was shaking from miles away, how genuinely scared he was. His entire body was petrified with fear, but he was shaking excessively.

Grayson’s eyes widened like a deer in the headlights, and he quickly searched for the cheap flip phone his mother had given him in case of emergencies. He found it in his coat pocket, and pressed two, which was his mother’s speed dial. 

She answered fairly quickly,”Grayson, what’s wrong?” She sounded nervous, as the specific instructions for the phone were to use them under absolute emergencies only. So far, Grayson hadn’t had to use it.

“Dan- I don’t know what’s wrong with him, he won’t respond, and- and I’m scared, mum! He just started crying and shaking and he can barely breathe and I don’t know what to do! I think I upset him more, but I didn’t mean to! Help me, mum!” he wailed out, looking back at the now sobbing boy laying on the cold grass.

“Grayson, love, calm down, it’s okay, deep breaths.We can talk about this later, alright? Are you guys still at the park?” his mother asked, her voice filled with concern for both boys.

“Y- Yes,” this time Grayson’s voice was a soft whisper, but he was still terrified.

His mum replied, saying she’d be there shortly to pick them up. He then hung up the cellphone and placed it in his coat pocket where he had found it. He walked over to Dan slowly. The boy was curled in a ball, rocking back and forth, small sobs coming out of his mouth. Grayson sat down a few feet away from his friend, and watched him. “I’m sorry, Danny,” Gray murmured softly, so Dan couldn’t hear him.

Not soon enough, Grayson’s mum arrived, taking the two boys to Dan’s, where they calmed him down and gave him medication he had forgotten to take earlier. He was immediately sent to bed after that, and Grayson and his mum went home.

-

When Dan’s mum took him to his therapist appointment the next day, he was asked what he would rate the attack he had had at the park. He’d gone through this procedure in the past week a few times, over the phone or in the office, but he was always able to say numbers less than six. He usually had to think about it for a while as well. This time was different.

“It was a nine,” Dan had said, without hesitation.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed that, it was mainly a filler, and it was giving you background on Dan's past and what happened before and ALL THAT JAZZ. drop a comment and a kudos but only if you want to (^: see you all again (HOPEFULLY SOON???)


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so its been awhile again but i have this somewhat mapped out so i think chapters will be more frequent (hopefully).
> 
> this is just a filler, nothing really important, but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Around midnight, Dan’s parents arrived home, only to find their son fast asleep on the couch in the lounge. His eyebrows were knitted tightly together and his mouth was pursed firmly. It was obvious he was uncomfortable as he was squirming against the soft fabric of the blanket he was laying on top of. He had never been a peaceful sleeper when he was alone.

Dan’s mother turned towards her husband, but he was focused on the sleeping boy. His face held traces of sadness, but also a hint of disappointment. It usually did when he looked at Dan. Mary didn’t quite know why, but she had a guess.

“Andrew, we need to get to bed. We can talk to him about school in the morning,” she whispered, hiking her purse up her shoulder when it began to slide down. “He’s obviously exhausted.” 

The man turned to his wife, shaking his head. “No, Mary, I don’t care if he’s tired, he skipped school and we taught him better than that. I don’t want him sleeping down here anyway,” he said, not being careful to whisper like his wife. He walked closer to the couch, and roughly shook Dan’s shoulder.

Dan’s eyes flew open, panic striking his chest before his gaze landed on his parents. He internally groaned, not wanting to deal with them at the moment. He sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his fists. “What time is it?” he groaned, noticing the darkness seeping in through the cracks in the curtains. As he pulled his hands away from his face, he was aware of how badly they were shaking. Dan grasped his hands together so his father wouldn’t see how anxious he was. He looked up expectantly, not making direct eye contact with either of the adults. His eyebrows were drawn together in confusion, because he didn’t remember falling asleep downstairs, and it was obviously quite late. He didn’t know how he had been sleeping so much the last few days.

Andrew looked down on Dan disapprovingly, disdain clear in his expression. He narrowed his eyes, obviously mulling over something in his head. He seemed to have come to a decision a few moments later, as he crossed his arms and cleared his throat, staring directly into his son’s brown eyes. “Go to your room, Daniel. I expect you to be awake on time tomorrow, and to actually bother going to all of your classes. I will not accept this type of behaviour in my house, and if it happens again, there will be consequences,” he spat out, turning and striding out of the room and upstairs.

Dan’s now-watery eyes shot to his mother, who was stood still with her head down. “M- mum, I’m sorry, I didn’t m- mean to ups- et him, I just- I was having a panic-” he started, his voice coming out hoarse, but Mary held her hand up.

She took a deep breath in and turned her gaze towards her shaking son. “I- Leave it, Daniel. You heard what your father said. I don’t want to hear excuses. Go to bed,” she said firmly, but her eyes held regret and grief. 

Dan’s lower lip trembled, his hands shook even more, but he nodded his head and ran out of the lounge, tripping up the stairs on his way to his room. He stumbled into his room and slammed his door shut. He threw himself onto his bed, clinging onto one of his pillows and curling up into a small ball.

Dan was tired of crying. God, he was so tired of it. But he just couldn’t help it. He had accepted a long time ago that it was a rare thing for him to go a single day without his eyes dampening and his cheeks being stained red. It had been apart of his life for a very long time, but like a lot of things in his life, he was sick of it.

Needless to say, Dan had once again cried himself to sleep.

\--

Waking up was always something most people dreaded. Dan was no stranger to this, but it was even worse when your father comes into your room at half five in the morning yelling and basically throwing you out of your bed.

Dan didn’t even leave for school until half seven, but he supposed this was his punishment for leaving school early yesterday. I mean, it wasn’t as if he was having a mental breakdown or anything.

Even if he was, it wouldn’t have affected anything anyways. 

Chuckling bitterly, Dan sat down on his bed. Because he had been awoken an hour early than necessary, he was already dressed and had eaten a small bowl of cereal. He didn’t bother with straightening his hair today, as it was pretty overcast outside. He just didn’t see the point, even if he hated his hobbit hair.

Grayson loves it, Dan thought. He guessed it could stay for a day or two.

\--

Dan figured he would walk to school early, as he’d rather not be in the house with his parents for longer than needed. Grayson had texted him before he left, saying he would be in class but he wouldn’t be early. In all honesty, Dan didn’t really mind, as he was still confused at Grayson’s attitude from the day before. It seemed as each day dragged along, Grayson was becoming more bitter with Dan.

It was alarming, to say the least. It was as if his safety blanket was being slowly pulled out from under him, and there was no telling when he would plunge into the icy cold.

With these thoughts on his mind, Dan got to school pretty quickly. With his hands shoved deep in his hoodie pocket and head turned down, he made his way into the main building.

There was something unsettling about school when he was alone. Everyone had become so accustomed to Dan and Grayson being glued together, because they hadn’t left each others side ever, and when Dan was by himself, it was as if he didn’t even exist. It seemed as though his peers only liked Dan and Grayson, not just Dan. One came with the other, and that’s how it had always been, but what would happen if they weren’t a pair anymore? Would Dan be forgotten? He wouldn’t doubt it.

His thoughts were confirmed, because as Dan walked through the halls that were crowded with teens, no one bothered to greet him, not even a simple smile. He sighed quietly, quickly making his way to his locker to retrieve his books he needed for his first few classes. 

As he was opening his locker, a girl in his year tapped him on the shoulder lightly. He turned around and gave a tight smile, faintly recognizing the girl from his history class. “Yes?” he kindly asked, turning back around to face his locker.

“It’s Dan, right?” the girl, who he believed was called Ellie, asked.

He nodded, glancing back at her. Her feet were shuffling back and forth nervously, and she was ringing her hands together. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Right, well- you’re the Dan who’s with Grayson, yeah?” Her reply was quiet, and Dan had to strain his ears to hear her, even with the small distance between the two.

This question caught his attention though, so he turned to face her. “Um, y- yeah, that’s me,” he answered, cursing silently when he stuttered. He was rather confused as to why the girl was asking, as basically everyone already knew.

She let out a harsh breath. “Is- are you guys, like, I don’t know, fighting? Or taking a break, or something, by any chance?”

Dan blinked at her, his face contorting with confusion. “Not that I’m aware of? Why, is someone saying that? Because it’s not true, Grayson and I are getting along great, like alw-” he blubbered, but stopped as he felt his breathing rise.

Ellie’s eyes were wide, and she was fiddling with her hands at her sides. “Oh- Oh my god, I’m- alright. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize- well shit,” she whispered, not meeting Dan’s eyes.

Dan didn’t really know how to reply, so he simply nodded. “Um, I gotta get to class. Ellie, is it?” he rushed out.

She snapped her head up, nodding furiously. “Yeah, um, listen, it was nice talking to you, and I’m so sorry for-” 

Cutting her off, Dan smiled tightly. “It’s fine, I guess. Have a great day,” he ended, practically running down the hall after slamming his locker shut.

As he rushed to his maths class, Dan took deep breaths. His hands had started shaking lightly, and he knew it was going to be a rough day. Luckily, Grayson was going to be here for him if he got too bad, and that calmed his nerves. Slightly.

He entered the classroom, which was almost empty. There was another person sat in the back corner, where Dan and Gray sit, and Dan almost smacked himself in the face.

He had totally forgotten about the new kid, Phil he believed his name was, helping him yesterday. He was obviously a mess, but he wasn’t enough of a mess to not realize another person was there. Phil had helped him in one of his worst states, and he had the audacity to forget about it? He really was a horrible person.

At this point, Dan was basically begging for Phil to ignore him. Maybe he thought Dan was a freak after what had happened yesterday, he knew most of the people who saw him yesterday probably did.

But as it turns out, Phil was actually a decent person. As soon as Dan walked past the first row of desks, Phil looked up and smiled hesitantly at him.

“Hey, Dan right? Alright?” he asked unsurely. His backpack was placed on Dan’s desk, so he quickly moved it, throwing it onto the ground and jumping when it made a loud bang.

The corners of Dan’s mouth lifted subtly, because it was obvious Phil was a complete nerd. Dan hadn’t even had an actual, normal conversation with him and could tell that Phil had a really likeable personality, in his book at least.

Dan blushed a bit, looking down at his feet as he set his book bag down on the floor next to his desk. “Yeah, um, I’m good. I wanted to thank you, actually, and I feel like a total twat because I didn’t yesterday. I just kind of ran off, and I feel so bad about it, because you helped me and no one would normally do that besides Grayson. So, uh, yeah. Thanks,” he breathed out, chewing on his lip.

When Dan heard Phil let out a soft chuckle, he frowned. He was being serious, and he didn’t think his mental breakdown was something to laugh about. Dan bit down on his lip harder, trying hard to contain the tears that were sure to come, because when isn’t he crying. He quickly slid into his seat, staring down at his desk sadly.

Phil must’ve noticed the sudden silence, as his blue eyes widened to the size of the moon. “Oh God, I said something stupid again, didn’t I? I’m sorry, I do that a lot, and I didn’t mean to laugh. I just- You don’t need to apologize for not thanking me yesterday, you spoon,” Phil said, sitting down in his seat as well. He folded his hands atop his desk and looked over at Dan, concerned. 

Dan looked up, his cinnamon eyes glossy. “I- I don’t?” he choked out, looking at Phil questioningly.

“Of course you don’t. I wanted to help, and I understand why you couldn’t thank me yesterday. I didn’t expect you to. It means something to me that you did today, though.” As Phil said this, he was looking at Dan with an attentive gaze, as if he was trying to figure him out. He was puzzled as to why Dan had it in his head that he had to apologize for not thanking Phil when he was in the middle of a panic attack.

It was obvious someone put those thoughts into Dan’s head, the idea that he had to apologize for every single thing he thought was wrong.

Looking back down at the desk, Dan mumbled, ”It’s just, no one has ever- it isn’t common someone does something for me without expecting something in return.”

They stopped talking after that, and not just because it was getting a bit too deep for only knowing each other for a little under twenty four hours. As it happened, Grayson chose that moment to walk into the room, along with many other students and their teacher.

Dan predicted this class wouldn’t be the greatest, as Phil was right in the middle of him and Gray. Grayson didn’t get the greatest introduction to Phil (granted, Dan didn’t either), and Dan could already feel the tension when Gray walked over.

Dan smiled up at Gray when they made eye contact. “Hey, Gray, I missed you this morning.”

Grayson smiled back tensely, eyeing Phil suspiciously. “Hey, babe. Sorry, my mum had me run some errands.” He walked behind Dan, leaning over and kissing his forehead. Grayson grinned at Dan’s curly hair, running his hands through the dark locks.

“I love your curly hair,” Grayson whispered, kissing Dan’s temple. “Never straighten it again.”

Dan giggled, shaking his head. “You know how much I hate it, makes me look like I’m seven again.”

Walking to his seat, Grayson shot Dan a quick wink. “I mean, you were pretty cute when you were seven, not going to lie.”

“Mr. Edgeworth, it’d be nice if you and Mr. Howell stopped flirting in my classroom. Save it for the bedroom, yeah?” Mr. Raymond said, raising his eyebrows at the two boys. “Also, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be calling seven year olds attractive, as you are indeed seventeen,” he drawled out, leaning on his desk with his arms folded across his chest. Some of the other kids laughed, looking back at the two boys.

Grayson muttered an apology, and Dan just buried his face in his hands. That kind of subject was personal, and Dan found it absurd that a teacher would make those comments. He never really liked Mr. Raymond because he always picked on Dan and Grayson’s relationship. It made Dan feel guilty for whatever reason.

Dan felt a tap on his left shoulder. “Hey, don’t take what he says to heart. He just wants his students to like him, so he acts like a dolt,” Phil whispered. “He shouldn’t even be commenting on that kind of stuff, it’s invasive.”

There was a certain fire to Phil’s voice, and it comforted Dan in a way. Someone was actually defending him, agreeing with his opinions. It was definitely a foreign concept, but it was nice, refreshing.

Dan glanced over at Phil. “Thank you,” Dan whispered back.

Phil laughed, shaking his head. “You don’t have to thank me, I told you this already. I want to help you feel better. No one deserves to feel like crap.”

“And I want to thank you. So accept it, or I will feel like crap,” Dan replied, smiling so widely his dimple popped out.

As the conversation happened, Grayson watched the two from his desk next to them. He really wanted to hate Phil, but he couldn’t. He envied him, though, that was for sure. It seemed as if Phil was doing a better job of reassuring Dan then Grayson was, and that made Grayson feel overshadowed. He didn’t like it when other people made Dan feel better, because that was his job and it always has been. Grayson was the one that was supposed to make sure Dan didn’t get hurt.

He obviously wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

 

\---


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really unedited but i kinda like this chapter idk have fUN

Dan wasn’t looking forward to English. (Well, he never was, but today in particular seemed like a good day to hide out in the toilets the whole hour). Not only did he hate the class in general, but he could sense that Madame Ansley would say something about the previous day, and chances are it wouldn’t be nice. Adding to his dread, Grayson had gotten called up to the counselors, so he wouldn’t be there to defend Dan either.

After kissing Grayson goodbye (out of the sight of their maths teacher), Dan awkwardly turned toward Phil, who was looking down disappointedly, a melancholy expression on his face.

“Let’s go, yeah?” Dan said, smiling timidly at Phil.

Phil didn’t reply, just nodding and beginning to walk. He kept his head down, and his hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his blue coat.

It was obvious that Phil was upset, but Dan was completely oblivious to most things in his life, so he didn’t say anything. It’s not like he wouldn’t have known what to say to make him feel better anyways, as they’d only been acquainted for a single day.

Arriving to class was a lot more nerve wracking than Dan thought it would be. He realized that everyone in the class had to of seen him yesterday, and that was mortifying. It’s not like most of them didn’t already know about Dan’s anxiety, as it was basically showcased every single time Madame Ansley had them present something, but none of them had ever seen him have an actual panic attack, aside from Chris. He felt exposed in a way, and it made him self conscious.

His disorder wasn’t a secret, but he felt as if now that roughly thirty people had seen something he never meant for any of them to see, it should be something he’s ashamed of. And he was.

His doctors, Grayson, his mum even, had always told him that he shouldn’t be humiliated by his panic disorder, it was apart of him, but they never had to experience it themselves. They didn’t realize what Dan went through daily. The thought put a sour expression on his face.

Even if Phil was upset, he was still a caring person who obviously saw Dan’s distress. Phil put his hand on Dan’s shoulder, coaxing him to step away from the door. “Dan, you can do this. Just breathe, okay? No one in there will make fun of you if I can help it,” he said, flicking his eyes back and forth between Dan’s.

Dan took a deep breath, smiling tightly at the taller boy. “Thanks, Phil.” 

Phil smiled back, taking Dan by the crook of his elbow and pulling him into the room. Luckily, they weren’t late today, they were actually pretty early, and there weren’t that many students sat down yet. Although, Madame Ansley was sat at her desk, unfortunately.

She looked up as the two boys entered the class, a hard glint in her eyes. “Dan, I see you’re here today. Are you planning on staying for the whole class this time around?”

The boy in question nodded fearfully, not meeting the older womans death glare. 

“Good. Also, I would like to speak to you after class, if that’s alright,” she added, tapping a stack of papers on her desk. Her every movement was harsh, making her even more intimidating. It was like she wasn’t even human, every move sharp and practiced.

Dan visibly gulped, grasping his hands together behind him. “Um-” he squeaked, swallowing thickly. “T- that’s fine,” he whispered, staring at the ground.

Madame smiled at him bitterly, waving him and Phil off to their seats. After Dan left yesterday, Phil went back inside of the classroom, where Madame practically interrogated him (to which he didn’t respond, as that was Dan’s business, and he’d only met the boy an hour before). She then sent him off to an empty chair in the back, which ended up being next to Dan and Grayson’s seats.

As they took their seats, Phil turned to Dan curiously. “Do you sit in the back of every class? I mean, in Maths you do, in here you do, and the other classes you missed yesterday that we have together, the empty seat was in the very back.” 

Dan shrugged, setting his stuff down on the floor. He shrugged off his jacket, resting it on the back of his seat. “My therapist says it helps with my anxiety, you know, not being in front of everyone. He wrote a note for me to give to all of my teachers, it was kind of Elementary if you ask me.” The tone of his voice gave away how tense he was, but Phil could tell he was trying to play it off. 

“Dan, that’s not ‘Elementary’. It’s actually very smart, and it helps you a lot, doesn’t it?” Phil questioned, resting his hand on Dan’s arm.

Dan was quickly discovering that, along with the fact that Phil had no idea what personal space was, he was also really smart. He could already read Dan like a book, and that made Dan wonder if he was that obvious, or if Phil was just very intuitive. Maybe it was both.

While looking uncomfortably into Phil’s currently gunmetal blue eyes, Dan frowned, nodding his head shamefully. “How do you figure these things out so quickly? You’ve only known me for a day, and it seems as if you know more about me than Grayson does. I just- I don’t know how to feel about it, and I don’t know why I’m sharing some of the things I am with you, I’ve never trusted anyone this easily. You make me feel safe and I just don’t understand, and it’s scaring me,” Dan blurted, shaking Phil’s hand off of his jumper-clad arm. He shrunk down in his seat, breaking eye contact with the taller boy.

“Is everything alright over here Danny boy?” a new voice spoke up, hidden concern beneath the teasing tone. Chris.

Dan looked up at his scraggly haired friend, who was looking at Phil warily. “I’m fine, Chris, hobble on off to your seat.”

Chris frowned, because the usual lightheartedness that occupied Dan’s voice when they passed friendly banter was absent, harshness replacing it. He had heard the conversation between the two boys who were sitting down, and he knew Phil had helped Dan yesterday, but he also knew Grayson wouldn’t be okay with someone making Dan nervous.

Chris made eye contact with Phil, smiling hardly. “I met you in town the other day, didn’t I? I knew I recognized you from somewhere,” he said, getting the attention off of Dan.

The two launched into a conversation about whatever had happened that day, while Dan sat in his seat glaring holes into the desk. He hated when he was unfriendly towards Chris, as the boy had only ever been nice to him. He had been the one to notify Grayson yesterday when Dan needed him, and Dan snapped at him, probably causing Chris to hate him.

“Why can’t I be nice for once,” Dan mumbled, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes. He was a mess.

Chris and Phil heard Dan’s mumbling, their conversation halting. They looked at each other uneasily, both worried about the curly-haired boy who was clearly close to tears. His hands were visibly shaking, and he had his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.

Chris kneeled down by Dan, placing his hand gently on the boys back. “Danny boy, what’s wrong? Talk to me, sweet cheeks,” Chris whispered, rubbing Dan’s back.

Dan shook his head, refusing to look up. He knew Chris’s eyes would be filled with hate, and he deserved it, but it would kill him even more to actually see it.

Chris sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked up at Phil, who was looking at Dan with a sad glint in his eyes. “Oi, Phil, can you help?” he asked, pointing to the boy cowering in his seat.

Phil was shocked that Chris had asked him to help. From what he had gathered, Chris and Dan had known each other for a while, and they were pretty good friends. It didn’t make sense for Phil to help Dan, they didn’t even know each other at all, really. But of course, Phil wasn’t someone to ignore another person when they’re upset, so he nodded at Chris.

Clearing his throat, he scooted closer to Dan, resting his elbow on the edge of Dan’s desk. He opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment the bell echoed through the room.

Phil silently swore, hesitantly shifting back to his seat. He looked to the front of the class, seeing Chris smile at him sadly, shrugging his shoulders. Phil returned the smile, but looked down guiltily. He didn’t want Dan to be sad, he didn’t deserve it.   
\---

The whole lesson, Phil was sending concerned looks Dan’s way, but Dan didn’t dare look at him. Dan wasn’t weak, he could handle himself. He didn’t need anyone looking after him, except maybe Grayson, who wasn’t present. He ignored everyone, and didn’t even talked when he was called on.

When they were finally released, Dan tried to sneak out the door, but Madame Ansley called him back. He huffed, squeezing through all of the bodies rushing past him, making his way to a desk sat in the front.

He slumped down in the hard plastic chair, his bag sliding off of his shoulder and hitting the floor. He kept his head down, waiting patiently for the rest of the students to leave. Some sent him pitiful looks, and others shoved his shoulder while walking past, causing him to stiffen up.

It took a few minutes for the whole classroom to clear out, but when it did Madame Ansley turned her chair towards Dan and cleared her throat harshly. 

He snapped his head up, sitting up straight in his chair. His anxiety was rising quickly, but it was under control right now. 

“So Daniel, you’re probably wondering what I kept you in here for, yes?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at the boy, who nodded slowly. She smiled, not quite kindly, but not as snake-like as her smile usually was.

She leaned back in her chair, folding her hands behind her head. “I actually wanted to talk to you about your home life. I know this might be a bit personal, but if I am thinking correctly, and I believe I am, whatever is going on at home is affecting you here. That concerns me. And as it involves your academic performance, I have the right to ask.”

Dan’s eyes widened, his bottom lip curling into his mouth. He shook his head, biting his lip hard. “No, Miss, there’s- my home life is fine. I wasn’t aware my grades were falling behind either- I just- they’ve been good, actually, and I don’t quite know where you got that idea from, because it’s- my mum and dad, we all have a great relationship, I guess-” Dan stopped to breathe, his chest building pressure by the second. He was extremely caught off guard and he felt targeted. Usually his home life wasn’t brought up by anyone, especially his teachers. Everyone kind of assumed he was fine in that area.

Madame nodded and stood up, making her way towards the door. Her face was full of confliction, but she made a decision nonetheless. “That’s fine, Daniel. If you don’t want to talk about it then we won’t. Go on to class, now.” She opened the door and held it open, waiting patiently for Dan to exit.

Dan was still trying to control his breathing, but he hurriedly gathered his things and rushed out the door, holding his breath when he passed Madame Ansley. He knew he was going to be late for his next lesson, but luckily the teacher didn’t mind that much, as he liked Dan. He had history next, which was one of the classes he didn’t have with Grayson.

As he walked down the hallway, he tried to gather his bearings. He was stressed out so easily, something that wore him out daily.

He reached the classroom and slipped in, shooting an apologetic glance at his teacher, Mr. Robson, who simply smiled in understanding. He groaned when he saw the newly familiar boy with black hair sitting in the seat next to his. Again. Dan sat down in the hard plastic chair, setting his bag down gently. He pulled out his supplies for the class, focusing in on what was being taught.

Subconsciously, Dan started tapping his pencil on his desk, drawing the attention of a girl in front of him.

The girl turned around, sending a glare at Dan. She cleared her throat rather rudely, ”Do you mind?” she whispered, raising her painted on eyebrows at him.

Dan halted his movement, frowning sadly when the girl turned back around.”Sorry,” he said, loud enough for the girl to hear him.

She scoffed in reply, and even though Dan couldn’t see her face, he knew she rolled her eyes.

As Dan’s mindset was already in a semi-sad place, this upset him. He was once again annoying someone, and he didn’t even know her name. He was uncomfortable now, knowing he had disrupted her learning and distracted her with his annoying habits. 

He sighed, crossing his arms on his desk and resting his head on top of them. His eyes began to get damp, and he was extremely grateful that the classroom was dark. All he wanted to do was go home. Dan didn’t want to be at school in this state.

Although he did take his medication that morning, he was still unbelievably sad. It was a common side effect, and it was horrible, but he supposed it was better than the crippling anxiety. 

Crying was better than not being able to breathe.

\---

Dan was sure Phil had noticed the tears dripping out of Dan’s eyes all period, but he didn’t say anything until the bell rang, releasing them for lunch. Right as Dan had exited the classroom, Phil called his name.

Dan stopped, moving to one side of the hallway so he wouldn’t block other students. He knew this was coming, but he didn’t want to deal with it. He didn’t owe Phil an explanation.

Phil made his way over to the other boy, leaning against the wall. He looked into Dan’s eyes, frowning when he noticed how red and puffy they were. Phil figured Dan had been crying in class, as he heard his quiet sniffles every now and then, but that didn’t make it any less heartbreaking.

Phil knew why he had stopped Dan, but he didn’t know how to start the conversation. Asking if Dan was okay would be a rather dumb question because the answer was very obvious, but he wanted to make sure something wasn’t seriously wrong. 

“I know this is kind of a stupid question and you don’t have to answer, but are you alright? I mean, I realize you’re obviously sad but I wanted to check on you.”

Dan couldn’t help but smile. He wanted to get angry at Phil, but the boy was just so sweet and caring, and only after one day. His smile didn’t last very long though, because he wasn’t alright and all he wanted to do was curl up and cry. “If I’m being honest, no, I’m tired and I want to go home, but I also don’t because it sucks there. I just really want to sleep and I want Grayson but he’s busy today, so I’m gonna be alone and I hate being alone when I feel like this,” Dan whispered. He decided that Phil wasn’t a big problem, and he wanted to listen to Dan, which was new.

Dan slumped against the wall, sliding down until he was sat on the floor. The hallway was cleared up by then, so it was only him and Phil. He rested his head against the wall, staring up at the tiled ceiling. 

Phil slid down next to him, bumping his knee with Dan’s. “You don’t have to be alone,” Phil said.

“Yeah, I do. My parents don’t get home until midnight, and even when they are home I still feel alone. Grayson is always busy nowadays, I don’t have many other friends, and I’m an only child,” Dan huffed, curling his lip into his mouth.

Phil chuckled, shaking his head. “That’s not what I meant, you spork. I don’t know if this is too straightforward, as we haven’t known one another for very long at all, but I’d be willing to keep you company. If you don’t mind, that is.”

Dan’s eyes widened, a delicate smile taking over his soft face. “Really? You want to hang out with me?” 

Phil nodded, returning the smile. “Of course, you’re really nice and we are bound to have some things in common, other than our haircuts,” Phil replied, giggling. He was really hoping Dan would accept his offer.

Dan began nodding enthusiastically, excited to be making a new friend who seemed trustworthy and genuine. “So, do you want to come over after school today? I’d like that a lot.”

Phil stood up, offering a hand to Dan to help him get up. Dan accepted, dusting off his black jeans. He looked eagerly at Phil, awaiting his answer. Dan was getting fairly excited, it wasn’t often he had someone who wasn’t Gray over, and when he did it was Chris and PJ. Not that that was much of an issue at all, but variety was always pleasant.

It was endearing, the light that was present in Dan’s eyes at the moment. Phil was absolutely mesmerized. It was the first time he had seen a real, authentic expression of joy on Dan’s face. The sight was simply beautiful.

Nodding happily, Phil grinned at Dan. “I would love to.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit yikes, but shish hiTS THE FAN VERYYYY SOON (^;
> 
> also since the plot takes off in the next chapter, im hoping ill be more motivated to write, because that means more chapters and updates sooner


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go!!! wow it hasn't been over a month! and this is 4.7k words and my fingers are dead from typing and so is my sleeping schedule!
> 
> so this is a big chapter and its kinda important and the next one is also so,,
> 
> also im american i figured i should say that so the school thing is different bc i don't know much about schools in england so sorry about that!!
> 
> enjoy

After the day ended, Dan and Phil met outside of the school’s gate. Dan couldn’t say his day had gotten better after inviting Phil over, because it hadn’t, but he was still excited when the final bell rang. He left the class quickly, and immediately found Phil when he exited the building. It wasn’t hard to spot him, after all, as he was over six foot.

Dan trotted over to the other boy, a large smile on his face. “Hey,” he said, stopping in front of Phil and looking up. He wrung his hands together, curling his lip into his mouth.

Phil grinned when Dan looked up at him. The height difference between them gave Phil a warm feeling inside, Dan was simply adorable. “Ready to go? You’ll have to lead the way.”

Dan nodded, grabbing Phil’s arm and dragging him along in the direction of his house. “It’s not that far from here, so I usually walk. Is that okay? Because we can take the bus if you would like to,” Dan said, looking nervously at Phil. Dan was generally okay with walking to and from school, as it was the only exercise he ever got, but he knew some people preferred public transport.

Phil shook his head, following closely behind the shorter boy. “Walking is fine with me, I probably need to walk more anyways. I’m horrifically unfit.” 

“I like walking, I can think about private things without getting interrupted,” Dan mumbled, removing his grasp on Phil’s arm. Dan groaned, Phil didn’t really care about that. “Sorry, that was kind of weird, I just talk when I’m nervous and it usually ends in me sharing things that aren’t meant to be shared.” Biting his lip, Dan looked down timidly.

“Dan, it’s okay. I like it when people share simple things like that in the beginning of a friendship, it makes me feel more personable with them,” Phil replied, smiling reassuringly at Dan. “You don’t have to hold back your thoughts around me, I won’t judge you.” Phil’s voice got quieter as he spoke, giving off a caring tone.

“I know, I gathered that, but it makes me uncomfortable. I’m a generally closed off person and I feel vulnerable around you because you make me feel safe and it’s only been like, two days,” the shorter boy sighed, walking a bit faster.

Phil shook his head and caught up with Dan, dropping the conversation. He didn’t want Dan to be upset while they were hanging out, he wanted to have fun and make a good impression. He craved for a friendship with the other, Phil wanted Dan to be a real friend that he could trust and just be with. Dan had a certain feel about him that made Phil want his attention and his loyalty. 

It was nice, actually wanting to make friends. It was also a first for Phil.

\---

The rest of the walk was silent, but they got to Dan’s house in roughly ten minutes. It was a nicer house, two stories and pretty landscaping, but Phil didn’t get a ‘homey’ feeling when walking in. It felt like a place where a family just existed in the same house, not somewhere that makes the residents homesick when they’re absent for a few days. The scent was clean, and seemingly unlived in. It didn’t smell like baked goods or a scented candle, like Phil’s house did, and it was odd to him.

Dan led Phil up the stairs to his bedroom, opening the door gently. “You can set your stuff down in here, anywhere is fine,” Dan said, his voice quiet and soft. He walked over to his bed, setting his bag down at the edge and plopping down on the duvet. “I don’t really have any homework to do, so we can watch a film or something?” Dan suggested, laying down on his back and staring up at the ceiling. “My dad took away all of my video games a few months back, so there aren’t many things to do,” he added, sighing. Dan frowned at the lack of entertainment.

Phil smiled, placing his things down next to Dan’s. He sat on Dan’s office chair that was next to the bed. “I don’t have any work either, so a film sounds great. What were you thinking?”

“You don’t have to sit over there, you know,” Dan said, ignoring Phil’s question. He didn’t bite, and he wouldn’t be uncomfortable if Phil didn’t touch him. “We’re watching a movie, come lay down.”

Phil was shocked, but he didn’t argue. He stood up and walked over to Dan’s bed, sitting down a good distance away from the other boy. “As long as you’re comfortable,” Phil said, laying down and offering Dan a smile. 

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, giving a timid smile in return. He reached over and grabbed his laptop off of his bedside table, setting it in between him and Phil. “We should probably sit against the headboard if we actually want to see,” Dan said, scooting up and leaning pillows against the wooden board.

Phil followed his movements, still keeping a reasonable distance between the two on Dan’s queen-sized bed. “What’re we watching?” Phil asked, seeing that Dan had pulled up a movie on his laptop already. 

Dan smiled, his dimple appearing. “‘Kill Your Darlings’, it’s my favorite,” Dan said, pressing play and shushing Phil.

“Isn’t that supposed to be extremely sad?” Phil whispered, looking over at Dan with concern. He didn’t understand why he was smiling so big over such a depressing movie.

Dan shot Phil a glare and hushed him, and gave the MacBook screen the entirety of his attention. He didn’t care if he’d seen it a month and a half ago, it still amazed him and he’d be damned if he let Phil talk during it.

Phil complied, shutting up and paying attention to the screen, only glancing over at Dan once in awhile.

Or maybe every minute, but who was counting?

\---

When the movie had ended, both Dan and Phil were in tears, but Dan had a smile on his face and Phil was just a wreck.

Phil sat up and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “I don’t understand how you’re smiling, that was awful,” Phil said, looking at Dan in disbelief. 

Dan shook his head, closing his laptop and setting it aside. “It’s my favorite movie Phil, you can’t just call it awful,” he tsked.

“How can something that heartbreaking be your favorite movie? I don’t think I’ve cried this much over a movie since ‘Bridge to Terabithia’ was released.”

Dan laughed quietly, “That movie was dismal, wasn’t it?,” he replied, smiling at Phil, who was still bawling his eyes out. “I’ve loved this film since it came out when I was fourteen, and I can say it will probably always be my favorite. It means something to me. In a weird way I relate to Allen. I don’t really know how, but I feel some type of connection.”

“Why did your parents let you watch this when you were fourteen? It literally has gay sex in it.” Phil stretched his legs out across the bed, accidentally nudging Dan’s foot.

Dan subconsciously nudged Phil back, grinning. “Yeah, they have never really supervised me at all,” his voice got quiet, and he looked down at his hands sadly. “I guess I love it so much because it makes me feel something other than crippling anxiety. I know it’s sad as fuck, but it’s so complex and the first few times I watched it I spent the whole hundred and four minutes trying to figure it out, and it distracted me from all of my problems. Because of that I’ve always seen it as a distraction. It’s amazing aswell, so that’s just an added bonus.”

“Well, it was confusing, I can agree with that,” Phil mumbled, not wanting to offend Dan. “You have a lot of ways to escape your anxiety, don’t you? And they aren’t normal ways either,” Phil speculated.

Dan shrugged, digging his phone out of his hoodie pocket to check the time. “I guess, but whatever works, right? If I enjoy something and it helps with my panic disorder, why not take advantage of it, you know?” Dan muttered. He clicked the lock button on his phone, and saw that it was already five o’clock. “When do you need to be getting home? It’s already five,” Dan asked, looking up at Phil, who was staring down at Dan’s duvet in deep thought.

Phil’s head snapped up and his eyes widened. He quietly swore, standing up and grabbing his bag off of the floor. “I was supposed to be home at half four, I’m so sorry, Dan,” he apologized, frowning.

Dan’s shoulders slumped, and his mood darkened slightly. He had had a good time, and if he was honest, he really didn’t want Phil to go. “That’s okay, sorry for keeping you so long. We shouldn’t have watched the movie.” Dan stood up to let Phil out, but Phil didn’t budge after those words left Dan’s mouth.

“No, it’s not your fault, Dan. I had a wonderful time, and even if that movie wasn’t the happiest, I still liked it because it’s apart of you. It was my fault for losing track of time, but if I’m being honest, I’m glad we got to spend the extra time together. It’s worth getting in a little bit of trouble,” Phil countered. He stepped forward so there was less of a distance between him and Dan. “Don’t feel bad because I’m a mess, alright? I’m glad we got to know each other more today, and if it’s okay with you, I’d like to hang out again. Soon.”

At that moment, Dan wasn’t quite sure what had come over him, but he stepped forward and pulled Phil into a tight hug. He rested his head on Phil’s chest, the height difference making Dan fit perfectly. “Thank you, so much. I had fun, and I want to do this again, and I really hope you liked that film, because I’ve never watched it with anyone else, including Grayson, and I hope that makes it special to you,” Dan breathed out, closing his eyes. 

Phil carefully wrapped his arms around Dan, smiling happily. He gathered Dan close, resting his chin on the shorter boy’s curly hair. “Trust me, that makes it mean the world to me.”

Dan felt warm again.

\---

Over the next three weeks, Dan and Phil grew closer and closer together, while Dan and Grayson grew further apart. They were still communicating and they were still slightly intimate, but it wasn’t the same. Grayson and Dan didn’t see much of each other out of school for those three weeks, and Dan was beginning to worry. Whenever he and Phil made plans to go to Dan’s house, which was basically every other day, Dan would always ask Grayson first. He missed the other boy, and it was very obvious to everyone around, especially Phil.

Dan and Phil were laying on Dan’s bed staring up at the ceiling. It was two in the afternoon on a Saturday, and Phil had been there since ten in the morning. They had run out of light things to talk about, but it wasn’t a problem at all. They just enjoyed each others company at this point.

“Christmas is soon,” Phil said, turning his head to look at Dan. The younger boy had his eyes closed and his breathing was turning heavy, with anxiety or sleep Phil couldn’t tell. “Are you excited?”

Dan sighed, shaking his head no and opening his eyes. “I usually spend Christmas with Grayson and his family, but I have a feeling that won’t be happening this year. My house is miserable on Christmas, my dad hates the holidays so we never really do anything,” Dan said, his voice melancholy.

It was anxiety then, Phil decided.

Phil frowned, sitting up on the bed and crossing his long legs.”How is Grayson, anyways? You guys haven’t really spent much time together lately,” he said, before his face turned into one of realization. “I’m not, like, stealing you away or anything, right? I don’t want to be the reason for your guys’ relationship flopping,” Phil blurted worriedly.

Dan laughed bitterly, sitting up next to Phil and leaning on the taller boy’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’s not you. I ask him every single day if he wants to hang out, and ninety nine percent of the time he says he’s busy. And when he isn’t, he leaves an hour after he gets here.” Dan sniffled, his eyes welling up with tears. “Am I not good enough for him anymore, Phil? I mean, our three year anniversary is in two days and he hasn’t said one thing about it. What if he forgot?” Dan whispered. He wiped his eyes roughly, leaning further into Phil, who wrapped his arm around Dan’s shoulders and pulled him closer. 

They’d gotten past the physical barrier that Dan had put up when they first met, and now they were almost always touching in some way. Dan and Phil had become inseparable so quickly, and it made Dan so happy to have someone he wasn’t afraid to hug or cuddle platonically with. Phil was the only other person besides Grayson who Dan felt comfortable with hugging below his upper back. He felt safe when Phil’s arms were wrapped around his waist, in the most friendly way, of course.

Phil ran his free hand through Dan’s hair, which was straightened that day. “I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten, Dan. Maybe his family is having some issues, or he’s stressed about school. You shouldn’t worry too much about it.” Phil felt like a broken record when it came to reassuring Dan about Grayson’s absence. Phil knew there was something up with Grayson, but he didn’t dare suggest that to Dan. He knew Dan would only defend Grayson, and end up being angry at Phil.

Dan sat up straight, turning away from Phil. “How can I not worry, Phil? You can’t tell me that. My boyfriend has been ignoring me, basically, and you’re telling me not to worry. You don’t know what it was like before, when we actually spent time together and went on dates, it was wonderful and I miss it so much.” Dan was sobbing now, and he was scooting farther and farther away from Phil. “I miss him, okay? It’s been two weeks since we’ve spent time together, and the last time we did we had sex, and he d-didn’t even say I love you afterwards or during and it’s fucking me up! I felt u-used and dirty, and I’ve never felt like that with him before, and I don’t know what’s going on, with him, or with us, and it’s making my anxiety so bad and I don’t show it b-because you get so worried about me-”

“Stop,” Phil said loudly, and slightly too harsh. Dan was working himself up, and his breathing was starting to get shaky, if he let Dan keep talking Dan would end up having a panic attack, and that wasn’t something Phil wanted, then or ever. “Stop, please, calm down,” he repeated, this time more tender. He crawled over to Dan, who was up against the wall now, and gathered him in his arms.

Dan wanted to push back, but he was so hysteric and he knew he would calm down if Phil comforted him. He let Phil hold him, shoving his face into Phil’s soft jumper. Dan’s sobs were muffled by the fabric, and his tears were soaking through the sweater onto Phil’s under shirt.

Phil coarsed his hand through Dan’s hair, which was now damp with sweat, and began shushing him gently. “You’re okay, Dan, I know you miss him, and it isn’t right for him to be doing this to you, but you don’t know what he may be going through. Before you know it, this whole thing will blow over.”

Dan sniffled, gripping his hands onto Phil’s shirt tightly. “B-but what if it d-doesn’t? What if I l-lose him? Th-that can’t h-happen, Phil, please, don’t let it h-happen,” Dan croaked out.

Phil stayed silent, because he couldn’t promise anything when it came to Dan’s wishy washy boyfriend. He, in all honesty, didn’t like Grayson for multiple reasons, the biggest reason being that he had Dan’s love and he took advantage of it. If Phil had Dan like Grayson did, he would show Dan what real love was, and he would give him the love he deserved. 

“Let’s take a nap, yeah? I think we both need it,” Phil suggested, pulling Dan down so he was laying on the bed properly. He didn’t want to talk about Grayson anymore. Dan always ended up sad when they did that.

Dan went along with it, as he was in no state to argue with anyone. He didn’t question it when Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, like Grayson did after they had a night together, and he didn’t question it when Phil kissed his forehead. He snuggled back into Phil, who was spooning him like a lover would, but at that moment he wanted to pretend. Pretend that Phil was Grayson, and everything was fine, and his relationship was okay and healthy. Pretend he was okay and healthy.

The two fell asleep quickly, with their legs laced together and hands resting on top of each other.

\---

The peace didn’t last forever, but Dan nor Phil expected it to.

Dan woke up to doors slamming downstairs, and he looked at the time on his alarm clock confusedly. It was only four o’clock in the afternoon, and his parents shouldn’t have been home for another six to seven hours. He slipped out of Phil’s hold, and started shaking him awake.

“Phil, please wake up, my parents are home,” he whispered, and the older boy groggily opened his eyes.

“What? I thought they didn’t get home until late,” Phil asked, still slightly disheveled from their nap. He sat up and stretched his arms out, cracking his back.

Dan stood up and began pacing across his room. “They usually don’t, I don’t know why they’re home so early. I don’t mean to be rude, but you should probably go. My dad doesn’t really like it when I have people over, and I don’t want him to be angry.” There was a hint of fear in Dan’s voice, and he knew he couldn’t hide it. He was still very shaken up, and his chest was heavy.

Phil nodded, standing up and putting his shoes on. “That’s fine. I’ll text you, yeah?” In all the time Phil had been at Dan’s house, (which had been a lot) he’d never met Dan’s parents, as they were always gone. He knew Dan didn’t have the best relationship with them, anyone with eyes and ears could figure that out, but he didn’t know why Dan refused to let Phil meet them.

Dan nodded, walking Phil out of his room and to the stairs. He guided Phil down the stairs and through the hallways that led to the front door, without being seen by Dan’s parents. Dan gave Phil a quick hug and thanked him, promising to call him later that night, before letting Phil leave. He closed the door quietly, then quickly made his way back to the stairs.

“Daniel? Are you up there?” his mother yelled, and Dan cursed himself.

“Yeah, mum, I’m here,” Dan shouted back, standing at the bottom of the stairs impatiently.

He heard his father say something, and soon enough he was being called into the lounge. He sighed heavily, but made his way back through the hallways. Dan stepped into the room, where his parents were sat on the couch. They beckoned him in, and he sat on one of the single chairs across from them.

Dan’s father had an angry expression painted on his face, and he was holding his iPhone tightly in his hand. “No need to waste time, right Daniel? Let’s get right into this,” the older man shot out venomously. “I got an email from one of your school teachers, and the content concerned me.”

Dan immediately knew the email was from Madame Ansley. She was the only one of his teachers that actually contacted parents, and he figured that their conversation a few weeks ago was what the email was about.

“It appears that this teacher is worried about your home situation, and that it has been affecting your academic performance. Is this right, Daniel?” his father asked, leaning forward and raising his eyebrows at Dan.

Dan shook his head, “No, I- I told her my home life was fine- and my grades are okay too,” he sputtered, clenching his hands together.

Scoffing, his father looked down at his phone. “Really? Because this email says your grade in English has dropped from an 86% to a 70% in the past month and a half, and if you’re saying it’s not because of your home life, I want to know what the real reason is.” 

Dan looked down at his lap, breathing harshly. “I- I don’t know, dad, I didn’t r-realize that it had dropped th-that much, and I don’t know why, I’ve b- been trying so h-hard-”

“Daniel, are you a virgin?” His father suddenly asked, catching the younger boy off guard. His mouth was carved into a twisted smirk, the expression daring someone to argue with him.

Dan began sputtering, his face heating up from mortification. His breathing was beginning to get out of hand, and the tears were starting up again. “I don’t think that’s any of y-your business,” Dan said, not making eye contact with the adult. He bit his lip, hard, trying to halt the oncoming tears.

“Andrew, don’t start that,” Dan’s mum said firmly, glaring at her husband. “He didn’t do anything wrong,” she pushed.

The man held his hand up, silencing his wife. “I’ll ask my son whatever I wish to, Mary. And Daniel, I believe that is my business, as you live under my roof. I pay for this house, therefore I get to know everything that goes on inside of it.”

“That’s n-not fair, that’s my p-private life.” Dan was absolutely horrified, he never expected his father to be so immature, and he was scared. This wasn’t the man he grew up with, this was a monster.

Andrew chuckled, standing up and walking over to Dan. He grabbed the younger boy’s arm and pulled him up. “Answer my question, Daniel. Are you a virgin, and have you had sex under my roof before? Without my, or your mother's, consent?” His voice was deadly now, and Dan had never wanted to run away from his home so badly.

Dan started to shake his head no, but his father cut him off. “Don’t bother lying to me, Daniel, it won’t end well for anyone, especially you.”

Dan was terrified of his father at that moment, afraid he would hit him, or abuse him with words. He’d never been this petrified with fear by his own dad, and he knew his anxiety was about to blow through the roof. He couldn’t lie, his father already knew the answer, Dan just didn’t know what he was going to do to him. It was the fear of the unknown, and that was the worst fear.

The boy gulped, and shook his head no. 

“What was that, Daniel? I didn’t quite catch that,” Andrew snarled viciously, shaking Dan harshly. There was fire in his eyes, and it wasn’t flickering out anytime soon.

Dan squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head again. “N-no, I’m not a v- virgin,” he squeaked out, pulling away from his father, to no avail.

“And have you or have you not had sex under my roof without my consent?” The grip Andrew had on Dan was painful, and both to males knew there would be bruises later.

“Y-yes, I h-have,” he replied, almost silently.

The sound of a door slamming upstairs echoed through the house, Dan’s mother had left him here, alone, with his father. She had abandoned with the one person he definitely didn’t want to be around at that moment, and he’d never felt more betrayed by his own mother in his life. There was no telling what his father would do to him with Dan’s mother out of the room.

Andrew dug his nails into Dan’s arms, causing the boy to wince in pain. “I thought I raised you better than that, Daniel. Since when did you turn into such an idiot, a disgrace?” his father spat out, his breath hot on Dan’s face.

Now, Dan had never been the best at confrontation. He had always just stood back while he got yelled at, or chewed out, and it worked. He never tested his father because he had respect for adults, but at that point all he wanted to do was scream. Dan was done being treated like shit, and he knew this would only end badly, but a sudden burst of adrenaline flooded through his body and soon he was pushing back for once in his life. 

“You didn’t raise me, I raised myself! You and mum were always gone, and I never had anyone besides Grayson! And now that’s falling apart, and I have nothing left, and you’re standing here screaming at me because of some stupid grade? There are worse problems in my life, and if you were an actual father, you would know that!” Dan ripped out of the tight grip, stumbling back slightly. “Maybe, if you actually cared, you would know that my anxiety medication is barely working anymore, and I haven’t been able to stop sleeping the past month because I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, and I hate going to school because I’m terrified of having a panic attack in front of everyone! Oh, and by the way, that’s why I went home early a few weeks ago! I was having a panic attack, and I couldn’t breathe or think and I wanted to get away from everyone, including myself! My mental health is fucking deteriorating as we speak, and all you care about is a dumb grade in a class that won’t fucking help me at all, and the fact that I may or may not have had sex with my boyfriend under your roof, which frankly, is none of your damned business!” Dan’s face was red and puffy, his eyes swollen and mouth dry. Tears were streaming in a steady flow out of his dark brown eyes.

He swallowed, taking in his father’s shocked face. Dan turned around, running towards the front door. He slipped on his shoes quickly, snatching his coat off of the rack. Luckily his phone was in his pants pocket, and his keys were placed in his coat pocket. 

Dan turned towards his father, who had followed him out of the lounge. He made direct eye contact and laughed bitterly. “So, thanks. You’re the father of the fucking year,” he choked out. Dan reached and grasped the doorknob, hands shaking as if he had too much caffeine. 

“Daniel, wait-” his dad started, his tone regretful. He started walking towards the younger boy, seemingly reaching out for him.

Dan halted his movements, but didn’t turn back around. He scrunched his eyes shut, awaiting his father’s words.

“I- Dan, please,” the man pleaded, but it wasn’t enough.

Dan flinched when his father didn’t use his full name, it wasn’t normal for him. It felt wrong. “You what, dad? What can you possibly say to me right now?” The words came out hoarse and melancholy.

Silence. 

“That’s what I thought,” Dan stifled out. He opened the door, stepping out and not looking back. He slammed the door firmly, taking a deep breath of fresh air, of freedom.

He began running, knowing exactly where he wanted to be at that moment. Somewhere he would be safe, somewhere he wouldn’t get hurt or abandoned.

At some point along the way, Dan took out his phone and shakily sent a text to the one person who would take care of him and make sure he felt loved.

/‘i know it’s so short notice, and i’m sorry this is out of nowhere, but it’s an emergency and i need you. i’m coming over and i hope you don’t mind. i love you, gray’/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ,,,, :^) sorry for that cliffhanger (is it even one? i feel like you all should take it as one)
> 
> thank you to maddie (fluffyloser) for giving me the movie suggestion bc that's officially a huge part of the plot, and also she has made a playlist of songs for my fic and that will be posted in the notes of the next chapter, so look forward to that! she did great and all the songs fit really well, gets me pretty emotional. 
> 
> thanks for reading and see you soon!!!


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

\---

Grayson’s house wasn’t too far, but it was far enough that Dan had time to get truly worked up from what had happened at home. It seemed to have actually dawned on him during the middle of his walk what his father had said, and although the massive panic hadn’t hit him while the argument was happening, it sure was coming down full force on Dan now.

Any passerby could see that Dan was undoubtedly upset from his puffy face and flushed cheeks. And there were the tears, but what was new? He was a mess, which was now becoming a norm for him.

When he was a few streets away from Grayson’s house, he quickened his pace significantly. He needed comfort, he needed someone to reassure him that he was okay and he was worth it. Dan turned down the street he had travelled more times than he could count, the brown two story now in his line of vision. He began sprinting, ignoring all the looks from Grayson’s neighbors who were sat outside. 

Dan ran up the steps leading to Grayson’s front door, almost tripping in one of the cracks. He could feel the dampness on his face, and the snot dripping out of his nose (which was disgusting, but he couldn’t be bothered to care), and if it were under any other circumstance, he would take a minute or two to sort himself out before seeing Gray, but he was past trying to impress people. He knocked a few times and pressed his eyes shut, trying to control his breathing. 

He heard footsteps on the opposite side of the door and was praying to every single being he could think of that it wasn’t one of Gray’s family members, but the whole word was against him today, as Gray’s mum, Leslie, answered the door.

“Daniel, oh my goodness, it has been far too long!” She started, but quickly realized the state of the boy standing in front of her. “What’s wrong, dear? Gray is up in his room, but I believe-”

Dan didn’t care what else she had to say, and he pushed past her gently and ran up the stairs that lead to Gray’s room. The door at the end of the hallway was closed, and there was loud music being played that Dan could hear clearly. This wasn’t out of behavior, so Dan didn’t think much of it as he rushed down the hallway to the wooden door that had his saving grace on the other side.

Typically Dan was a polite person with manners. Usually he didn’t yell at his father and share more things than should’ve been because his feelings were hurt. Usually he didn’t push past his boyfriend’s mother to get into her house. And usually he didn’t barge straight into any room, no matter whose it was

Today was a day for trying new things.

Dan gripped onto the cold metal knob, twisting it like his life depended on it, and threw the door open. “Gray, I’m-” he began, but the words froze on his tongue.

The sight that presented itself before Dan was something he would never be able to unsee. It was an image that would haunt him for years, an image he would be reminded of every time he thought about the last three years of his life.

Dan’s hands flew over his mouth, the overwhelming need to vomit flashing through him. So many emotions passed through him at that moment; anger, sadness, complete despair, hurt, betrayal, humiliation even. If his eyes were faucets before, they were waterfalls now.

His oh so loving boyfriend, who would never in his right mind ever hurt Dan, who promised he loved him so many times over the past three years, was in bed with another person. And not the innocent ‘sitting and studying’ or ‘watching a movie on opposite sides of the bed’, no. Grayson was having sex with another person, a girl at that, and all Dan could do was wish that just maybe he would get hit by a car on his way home. It sure would hurt a hell of alot less than this.

Grayson, who hadn’t heard the door open because of the music blasting through the room, had only then noticed Dan standing in the doorway. Both him and the girl beneath him pulled apart and scrambled away from each other, throwing covers over themselves. 

Dan stood there, and he wasn’t entirely sure why he hadn’t run out of the room yet, back home where his father awaited, most likely ready to ground Dan. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, maybe for someone to pop out and say it was all a joke, or maybe he was waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Anything would be better than this.

The blonde haired boy, who was now covered and sat on the floor, stared up at Dan, his eyes pleading. “Dan, please, it’s- this isn’t- I promise-”

Dan shook his head, walking backwards back out of the door, stumbling against the edge of the doorway. His hands flew out to catch himself, but he ended up tumbling to the ground anyways.

Grayson, who had wrapped a blanket strategically around his waist, got up from the floor and began slowly walking over to Dan. “Dan, please, I’m sorry,” Grayson mumbled out, but the boy on the floor was completely out of it. His eyes were filled with paralyzing fear, his whole body rigid. He was having a panic attack, and by the looks of it, an extremely severe one.

It was a ten.

“Fuck,” Grayson whispered, his eyes shooting to the girl who was still sat on the ground, blushing bright red. “Please, get out. I’m sorry,” he whispered, glancing between her and Dan.

It was as if she couldn’t leave fast enough. She was tripping over her own feet while pulling her clothes on, which had been strewn all over the bedroom floor. She had her clothes on in record time, and she hastily grabbed her shoes, not bothering to put them on. The girl maneuvered her way around the two boys sitting in the doorway, careful not to bump Dan. “Listen, Grayson, I’m sorry I kept this going, I didn’t know until a few days ago that-”

“Ellie, please, leave. This was a mistake and I can’t fucking deal with this right now,” Grayson growled, glaring at her.

She nodded, uneasiness clouding her face. She squeaked out an apology and ran out, the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut following her.

Grayson pinched the bridge of his nose tightly, looking down at Dan, who was shaking and silently crying. He had a blank expression on his face, and if it weren’t for the absolute terror in his dark brown eyes and the tears streaming down his face, Grayson wouldn’t have been concerned any other day. 

Dan was aware of what was happening, but it was as if his mind was shutting down by the second. He was aware of the boy sitting right by him, and he wanted to scream and run away, but his body wasn’t moving besides the constant trembling. He was literally frozen in place, and breathing was becoming increasingly harder every second. Dan instinctively reached his hands up to his chest and began clawing at it, the need for air excruciating. 

Footsteps were heard rushing up the stairs, and by the clicking of heels, Grayson knew it was his mother. “Shit,” he whispered, standing up clumsily and grabbing his boxers off of his bed and slipping them on under the blanket he still had wrapped around his waist. Grayson dropped the blanket, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror above his dresser and frowning at the purple marks littered all over his torso and neck.

“Grayson, what’s going on up here?” his mother said from down the hall, having to yell over the pounding music. 

In his peripheral vision, Grayson saw Dan flinch at the yelling, and heard his small whimper. The younger boy was still scratching at his chest, and his face was turning bright cherry red.

Grayson dropped back down on the floor in front of Dan, his eyes beginning to sting. He caused this. “Dan, please, calm down!” he yelled, grabbing Dan’s shoulders and pulling the boy into his chest.

Another bad move on Grayson’s part, it seemed.

Dan snapped out of the trance he was in and began thrashing, elbowing and kicking and screaming. “Let me go!” he screeched, ripping his way out of Grayson’s grip. “Don’t touch me, please, don’t touch me!” His voice was broken, all of the emotions dripping out with each plead. He escaped the other boys grip, falling flat on the floor. Dan scrambled away from Grayson, backing into a corner of the room. He was a blubbering mess, and he’d bit his lip so hard that there was blood coating the pink flesh. “Don’t t- touch me, leave me alone,” he choked out, looking at Grayson like he was a monster, something from Dan’s childhood nightmares. Although, Dan was positive his current nightmares would now be full of the one he used to love the most.

Grayson’s eyes were as wide as saucers. He’d never seen this side of Dan, and he felt so fucking guilty and dirty. “Dan, I-” he choked out, but his mum walked in his room then, turning off the stereo that sat by the door, silencing the room.

“Gray, what’s going on?” his mum asked worriedly, glancing over to Dan who was huddled in the corner. “Dan, sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked, pushing past the lanky boy sat by the door. She knelt down in front of Dan, who shrunk into himself.

“Don’t, please, no,” Dan squeaked, pushing farther into the corner. “Let me g-go.” By this point, Dan was basically hyperventilating. Dan covered his ears with his palms, trying to block out everything happening. He was so far out of his normal mindset, and he was having the worst panic attack he’d ever experienced. His doe eyes were darting back and forth between Grayson and Leslie, making him slightly dizzy.

Furrowing her eyebrows, Leslie backed away, holding up her hands in front of her. She’d known Dan since he was little, and she’d grown accustomed to being around Dan when he had his panic attacks. She’d even had chats with his therapist to know how to help, and one thing the doctor had stressed was getting rid of the problem if possible. By watching how Dan reacted to Grayson’s touch, Leslie had a good idea of what, or rather who, the problem was.

“Grayson, can you step out for a minute? Maybe call Dan’s parents or a friend of his to come and get him?” She had phrased it as a question, but Grayson knew he didn’t have a choice, so he nodded and practically sprinted out, closing the door.

“Dan,” Leslie said softly, “You’re okay sweetheart, he’s gone for now.” She smiled encouragingly, stretching her hand out slowly. Leslie wanted Dan to know that she wasn’t a threat, all she wanted was to help the cowering boy.

Dan’s eyes flitter around the room, landing on the door that was closed tightly. He hesitantly lowered his hands from the sides of his head, instead wrapping his arms around himself. He was still breathing heavily, and heart beating fast, but he felt slightly better knowing Grayson wasn’t in the room with him. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off of his pounding chest, letting him breathe a little bit better, but not by much.

 

The scene kept playing back in Dan’s head, and he felt so deceived. All he wanted to do was scrub himself until he was clean again, erasing all traces of the other boy, but somehow he knew that would never happen. 

A more steady stream of tears began running down Dan’s cheeks, and it was then that he started sobbing. It wasn’t so much panic anymore, but pure sorrow. 

In a way it was worse.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ............................. so part two will be posted soon, in the next few days hopefully..........
> 
> song playlist will actually be coming in the next chapter, as i feel that is appropriate..... (but for now, just listen to 'too good' by troye sivan b/c it's dan and graysons song so)
> 
> i decided to split this chapter because chapter 6 was really long and this is kind of important, so i didn't want the main event *cough cough* to get overshadowed by the next half. so sorry it's so short, but also kinda not sorry.
> 
> this was predictable, i know, but just... wait....
> 
> and as always, thank you to maddie (fluffyloser) because she's just real neat and helps me a lot so. she has some great ideas.


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second part of the previous chapter (wow that was obvious) and sorry if it's kinda rushed, but i'm really excited for the next chapter so i had to get this up!!!
> 
> edit: for the first couple of hours, this and the previous chapter were switched! sorry if there was any confusion, as i'm not quite sure what happened there. they are back in the correct order now (:

\---

Grayson had called Chris, as he was the only person he trusted to take care of Dan at this point. Chris had picked up immediately, assuring Grayson he would be over there as soon as he could. 

When Chris had asked what had happened, Grayson didn’t have the nerve to tell him over the phone. He told Chris Dan had just shown up upset, and he had no clue as to what had triggered it. 

The walls in Grayson’s house were very thin. Because of this, Grayson could hear every single sob that Dan was letting out, and he’d never been so angry at himself. It wasn’t as if Dan hadn’t been enough for Grayson, because he was more than enough, and frankly, Dan meant the world to him, it had just become boring for Grayson. He was tired of the same thing everyday, he wanted variety and being in a committed relationship didn’t really allow that to happen.

It wasn’t a valid reason by any means. In fact, it was probably the shittiest excuse ever, as Dan didn’t deserve to be cheated on, and it just made Grayson feel even more like a dick than he already did. Cheating on someone was unforgivable, but Grayson needed something that would reassure himself he didn’t do it for nothing.

There was a knock on the door downstairs, signalling Chris had arrived. Grayson didn’t bother going downstairs and opening the door for him, because less than ten seconds later Chris had opened the door himself and made his way up to the second story. The knock was just to be courteous. 

“Where is he? Is he okay?” Chris asked hastily, walking right past Grayson to the bedroom door. He tapped lightly on the door, actually waiting for a reply this time. 

Grayson’s mum cracked the door open, smiling at Chris. “Come in, he’s over in the corner. Be gentle, yeah?” she said, whispering. “And, don’t mention Grayson, alright?” she added, lowering her voice so only Chris could hear.

The scraggly haired boy nodded, slipping past her into the room. She stepped out, leaving the two boys alone for a bit. Closing the door, she turned to her son, who was leaning against the wall looking down guiltily.

Leslie shook her head disappointedly at the boy, walking right past him and down the stairs, out of sight.

She wasn’t stupid. She saw Grayson standing in just his boxer pants with hickies all over his chest, and she saw the girl rushing down the stairs with tears in her eyes, slamming the door when she left. Leslie knew exactly what had happened, she just didn’t expect that from her own son, especially when he had had someone as lovely and special as Dan.

\---  
Dan’s head shot up when he heard the footsteps of another person, but sighed in relief when he saw it was just Chris.

“Danny boy, you okay?” Chris asked softly, leaning against the closed door. He wanted to hug Dan and make him feel better, but he had to make sure Dan was stable enough to be touched. There had been a few incidents in the past where Chris, PJ, or even Grayson had tried to hug Dan in the middle of a breakdown, and Chris didn’t want to relive that.

In response, Dan choked out a loud sob, shaking his head no repeatedly. “I d- don’t want t- to be he- here.” His voice was raspy and broken, the usual soft delicate tone gone.

Chris frowned, wondering what could have happened to tear down Dan piece by piece. He’d seen the aftermath of Dan’s panic attacks before, and they were absolutely horrible and heart wrenching, but Dan had never sounded so defeated and crushed. 

“Let’s get out of here then, yeah? I’ll take you home,” Chris suggested, walking slowly over to Dan.

“No, no no no, p- please, don’t take m- me home,” he pleaded. He didn’t want to go back there, ever. Harsh breaths wracked through Dan’s body, his anxiety rising once again at the thought of Chris taking him home. Dan retreated further back into the corner, placing his hands over his ears again.

“Hey, woah, hey, you’re okay Dan, you’re fine. I won’t take you back there, I promise,” Chris answered back, halting his steps. 

Dan’s wide eyes flickered between Chris’s, searching for any dishonesty. After finding only worry and concern, Dan nodded hesitantly, lowering his hands.

Chris finished walking towards Dan, holding out a hand for him. 

Lifting a shaking hand, Dan tentatively grasped the other boys, pulling himself up on his trembling legs. “C- can I have a h- hug?” Dan asked, his voice unsure. He looked down at his feet, not wanting to make eye contact with Chris. 

“Let’s get out of here first, okay? I’ll take you over to mine,” Chris replied, placing his hand on Dan’s upper back and guiding him to the door. 

Chris opened the door with his free hand, glancing out to see Grayson sat against the wall opposite the door. The blonde looked up when the door opened, opening his mouth to say something when Chris held up his hand.

“I don’t know what you did, but I can’t even look at you right now, so don’t.” Chris shook his head at Grayson, wrapping his arm around the quivering boy at his side.

Grayson bit his lip and nodded, dropping his head back down. He had his arms wrapped around his knees, which were pulled up to his chest. The sight was dismal, but Chris didn’t feel sorry for him in the least.

Dan pulled in the direction of the stairs, silently telling Chris to let it go. He heard Chris sigh, but he lead Dan down the stairs nonetheless.

Chris shouted a quick goodbye to Leslie, who was in the kitchen, and took Dan outside to his car, stopping by the passenger side. 

“You still want that hug, kid?” Chris smiled tenderly, holding out his other arm that wasn’t already wrapped around Dan.

Practically flinging himself at Chris, Dan wrapped his arms securely around Chris’s mid torso, burying his face in the taller boy’s chest. Tears were still falling out of his eyes, and now they were soaking Chris’s shirt.

Chris reciprocated the hug, resting his chin on top of Dan’s wavy hair. “You’re safe with me, sweetcheeks, let it out,” he whispered. Dan was letting out tiny whimpers, which were heart breaking. Chris felt his eyes start to sting and water. He’d always had a soft spot for Dan because he was so innocent and kind. Dan was like the younger brother he never had, even if they were only a few months apart. 

Dan reluctantly pulled away and wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his jacket. “Can we g- go now?” He wanted to get as far away from Grayson as he possibly could, and standing right outside of said boys house wasn’t helping him feel any better.

“Of course, kiddo,” Chris replied, opening the car door for Dan, then walking over to the driver's side and getting in. He started the car, but turned to Dan before he started to drive. “Wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Dan responded, his voice shaky.

Chris pursed his lips, nodding. “Fair enough.”

\---

The drive was quiet, the only sound being Dan breathing heavily and the occasional whimper. They arrived to Chris’s house in no time, as it was in the neighborhood next to Grayson’s.

Chris switched off the car and turned to Dan, who had his knees pulled up to his chest with his head leaning against the glass window. “We’re here, Dan.”

Dan nodded in acknowledgement, lifting his head and and removing his arms from around his legs and letting them drop to the floor. He lifted a shaky hand to undo his seatbelt, his fingers slipping off of the button multiple times. After the seventh time of trying, he threw his head back on the seat and let out a frustrated groan. “Fucking useless,” he whispered.

Chris leaned over to Dan’s side, easily pressing the button that released the seatbelt. He knew Dan was going to go through a few mood swings, which was typical after such a violent panic attack. Usually he just felt exhausted and sad, but when the attacks were more serious, his mood changed every half hour. It seemed as if this particular one was the self hating mood, delightful.

“Let’s go, Dan. You need to get some sleep,” Chris said, his tone firm. He got out of the car and walked over to the passenger side, yanking the door open. 

Dan sat there stubbornly, not even looking at Chris. His chubby cheeks were stained red, and his arms were crossed against his chest, making him resemble a toddler. Chris would have laughed if he didn’t know that Dan was actually in a lot of pain inside, and that this was just a method of coping. It was truthfully pitiful.

“Dan, come on now, it’s cold out here. This is not the time to be acting like a little kid. I know you’re hurting, but you’ll feel better if you get some rest. Get out of the car,” Chris stated strictly, raising an eyebrow at Dan. He wasn’t trying to be unsympathetic or anything, but Dan needed a bit of guidance sometimes, and the only way to provide that was to be stern.

Dan flinched at Chris’s tone, the firmness surprising him. Chris was generally really careful with Dan, never harsh or rude. 

Curling his lip, Dan nodded dejectedly and uncrossed his arms, hoping out of the car and closing the door. He stood by Chris and lowered his head. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

Chris sighed, shaking his head. “S’fine, let’s just get inside. My parents are gone until Christmas, so they won’t be bugging us,” Chris said, grabbing Dan’s upper arm gently and walking him inside.

Once they were safely inside the house, Dan toed his shoes off on the doormat and took his phone out of his coat pocket before hanging the jacket on the rack beside the door. He slipped the device in his back pocket and turned to Chris, wringing his hands together nervously. “I know it’s only half six, but can I go to bed? I don’t really want to be awake right now,” Dan muttered, shuffling his feet back and forth.

“Yeah, of course. You know where the guest room is. Do you want something to eat before?” Chris asked.

Dan shook his head no and rubbed at the back of his neck uncomfortably. “I don’t really have an appetite right now, thanks,” he replied quietly, frowning. He reckoned he wouldn’t be able to eat all that much for the next few days, maybe weeks. 

“Alright, well, if you need anything, you know where my bedroom is,” Chris said, going to leave but stopping before he got to the stairs. “Do you want to talk about it Dan? Maybe it’ll make you feel better.” Chris had an idea of what had happened, but he didn’t know the full story, preventing him from properly assisting Dan’s feelings.

“No,” Dan snapped. “I just- I want to sleep, so please stop asking me questions, I’m fine,” he added, stressing the last word. 

Chris bit his lip and nodded, continuing up the stairs. “There’s a pair of your sweatpants in the drawer if you get cold. Sleep tight,” he whispered. He jogged the rest of the way up the stairs, slamming his bedroom door shut.

Letting out a heavy breath, Dan made his way down the hall towards the guest room, locking the door once inside. He fished his phone out of his back pocket and set it on the bedside table.

He’d stayed there so many times in the past that he just left articles of clothing there, knowing he’d be back. Chris’s family didn’t really mind, as they had room to spare. Dan grabbed the pair of sweats from the drawer next to the bed, slipping off his tight jeans and replacing them with the soft fabric.

Dan typically slept in just his boxer shorts, but after the previous events of the day, he just didn’t feel safe being exposed, emotionally or physically. He wanted to cover himself up completely and build up a wall to block out all the negatives in his life, but that would be difficult considering how shit his life currently was.

Dan flicked off the lights and crawled under the thick warm duvet. It was as if he were drugged, because as soon as his head hit the pillow he was out cold.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so.......... next chapter is gonna be possibly very surprising (^:
> 
> i'm gonna try and get that up soon, as i have most of it written by now, but i have just started school again so there's no telling if i can get it up this week. along with that, updates might be a bit sparse again because i'm going to try and make the chapters long again, along with school work blah blah blah. i personally like reading longer chapters, so that's what i want to provide.
> 
> this chapter is one i like alot, and i plan to further incorporate dan and chris's friendship through out the rest of the story. it's a weird kind of friendship, but very important to dan and co.
> 
> oh? the playlist? still working on it! but for now listen to 'another love' by tom odell, really gets the feels rolling in if i'm honest.
> 
> also figured out that this fic is gonna be quite long with all i have planned, because this isn't the worst. just wait for it (^;
> 
> thanks for reading, drop a comment and/or a kudos (^:


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanna say this chapter has two or three mentions of death/ suicide and a few mentions of depression. it's kind of a serious chapter at the beginning and i want y'all to be safe :^) it's nothing too horrible, but it's still there. also, theres a lil bit of kissy kiss (probably very poorly written as i am innocent and have never written anything cheeky before so sorry bout that)
> 
> this was not edited, and some parts are very rushed, but it also is 6.1k words so cut me some slack pls.
> 
> anyways, hope you all enjoy (^: its pretty long so have a hoot
> 
> also wanna say something i probs should have said a while back, but i apologize if there are any major plot holes. when i started this fic back in july i had no idea what i wanted it to be, so the first few chapters are kind of rough and i plan on going back and editing the whole story once it is complete.

It was two in the morning when Dan woke up, drenched in sweat and sobbing again. He had of course dreamed about what had happened with Grayson, but it had been on repeat, never ending. It was literally the worst nightmare he had ever had, and that was saying something considering all of his childhood night terrors about death.

Dan sat up in bed, throwing the covers off of his body. He swung his legs so they hung off the edge of the bed, his feet grazing the floor.

His hair was officially curly again from sweating. It was plastered to his forehead so he reached a trembling hand up and shoved it back away from his face. He felt so dirty again.

Dan needed someone to talk to. For once, he felt the need to be vocal about his feelings, and not just to his therapist. Generally when he started talking about his thoughts, he didn’t do it on purpose. It just came out like word vomit, and it wasn’t as if he could stop it after it started. It had always been a nervous habit, and a horrible one at that.

He didn’t have the heart to wake up Chris after being such a hassle, and he wasn’t close enough to PJ to just call him up so early in the morning, so that left one option. He was sure Phil wouldn’t mind, and if he did then maybe he wasn’t what Dan needed.

Dan shakily reached for his phone on the bedside table, unlocking it and scrolling through his contacts until he got to Phil. His thumb hovered over the call icon while he mentally debated whether or not to wake up his new friend just to complain. Phil always said he’d be there whenever, but Dan knew he probably meant at any reasonable hour.

It couldn’t hurt. The worst thing that could happen was Phil not answering the phone, and if he did answer, Dan would have someone to talk to. The worst wasn’t particularly horrible, so what did Dan really have to lose?

He quickly hit tapped the call icon before he could talk himself out of it, pressing his phone to his ear. Dan wiped at his eyes with the heel of his other hand, willing the tears to stop.

The dial tone rang four times before a groggy, ”Hello? Dan?” sounded through the phone.

“Hey,” Dan replied croakily, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling.

There was shuffling on the other end of the phone for a few seconds, and Dan assumed Phil was checking the time.

“What’s up, Dan? It’s like, two fifteen in the morning,” Phil asked, his voice laced with confusion and slight irritation at being woken up.

Dan frowned at Phil’s tone. “I know, I- Sorry, for calling so early, I just wanted someone to talk to, but it’s nothing. Go back to bed,” Dan said, his voice cracking on ‘nothing’.

“Hey, woah, are you crying? What’s wrong? It’s fine, I’m not even that tired,” Phil replied, yawning right after. 

Dan chuckled hollowly. “It’s just, something happened, and I’m not feeling alive at all, if I’m honest. You’re the only person I know who will listen to me, so I thought maybe I could call you, but it’s fine, I’m fine.”

Phil sighed on the other line. “What about Grayson? He’s your boyfriend, Dan, not me,” Phil said, a hint of jealousy in his voice. It wasn’t as if Phil didn’t want Dan to talk to him, but he was curious as to why Dan called him instead of Grayson, even if the guy was kind of a dick.

Dan frowned, feeling a stream of tears slip down his cheeks and onto his neck. “I- ex boyfriend, Phil,” Dan choked out, biting his lip.

The line was silent, and for a few seconds Dan thought Phil hung up, but the older boy’s soft voice came through the speaker, a muttered ‘I’m so sorry, Dan’ filling Dan’s ears.

“Me too,” Dan whispered, closing his eyes tightly. He rolled over onto his side, curling up into the fetal position, his phone tucked between him and the bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but like most things, Dan was past caring.

“You don’t have to answer this, but what happened?” Phil breathed after a few moments of silence.

Dan let out a quiet sob, the scene entering his mind once again. “No, i- it’s okay, that’s actually w- what I wanted t- to talk about. Um, my dad and I- we got into a fight, a qu- quite bad one, and I left and went t- to Gray- his house, and um, I w- walked upstairs, because that’s where his r- room is, and the music was really loud, a- and I didn’t th- think much of it, because he always d- does that, so I walked in because I just really needed a h- hug, but he wasn’t alone-” Dan was interrupted by a loud hiccup, followed by a couple more.

“Dan, you don’t have to finish, I don’t want you to get worked up,” Phil said, concerned by how badly Dan was stuttering and hiccuping.

Dan sat up and took some deep breaths, holding the phone to his ear again. He wasn’t able to breathe very well laying down, as his nose was beginning to get clogged up, which was also making him sound nasally and croaky.

“No, I need to say th- this,” he rushed out, afraid that Phil wasn’t going to listen anymore. “Please, don’t hang up, I just- I need to tell someone,” Dan said, whimpering sadly.

“Sh, I won’t hang up, I promise. You’re my top priority right now,” Phil reassured, making his voice take on a comforting tone.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows, not really knowing whether or not the take Phil seriously. Grayson had said that to him plenty of times, and look where that lead. “Do you really mean that?” Dan whispered. It always confused him when Phil said things like that, because they hadn’t really known one another for too long. Sure, they were close considering the length of time, but it was still surprising.

“Of course I mean that, Dan. You’re basically my best friend, your feelings are valid to me,” Phil said strongly.

Dan couldn’t help but let out a small smile, despite how upset he was. “Thank you, Phil. That kind of means a lot,” he mumbled, curling his bottom lip into his mouth. He looked down at his lap, feeling a slight blush on the tips of his ears.

“I know,” Phil murmured, barely audible to Dan. 

Dan sighed, playing with a frayed edge of the blanket. The small smile gradually fell from his face, and he figured he should probably finish his story. He wanted to get it off of his chest. “Anyways, I, um, I think I can tell you- I walked in on him in bed with someone else- a girl, even, and I just- I can’t even say what it felt like because I felt so many things and absolutely nothing at the same time, which is probably the worst feeling ever.” Dan took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He was reliving it again.

“I- I don’t really know what to say, Dan. I’m so sorry-” Phil started, but Dan continued as if Phil hadn’t said anything in reply.

“In my entire life, I’ve never actually wanted to die before, you know?” Dan said, his voice cracking. “Which, in itself is quite strange, because for a while my therapist was convinced I was suicidal and depressed, I mean, I always had nightmares about dying, and a lot of the time people with panic disorder usually have some form of depression, but I didn’t. My anxiety was just really horrible, and I’ve always just been afraid of everything, so the nightmares kind of made sense. When I was diagnosed with panic disorder it wasn’t surprising to the people in my life, some of them even expected it. But I’ve never even considered wanting to actually die before, because it always seemed irrational to me.” As Dan continued talking, his voice got quieter and less confident, and his brain started going off on it’s own.

He tried to swallow back the tears, but they were coming down full force. “Like, I have an okay life, and I had no reason whatsoever to hate myself or my life so much to actually want to be gone permanently. Sure, I have some pretty shit things happen to me, but I always had a future to look forward too. I knew I could get better, I knew I wouldn’t be such a fuckup forever, and I thought I had someone that would help me through it, but I don’t,” he choked out.

“For the first time in my life, I wanted to die. I would have rather gotten shot over and over again then see what I did, and I just- I don’t want to be alive right now,” Dan whispered, almost too quietly.

It was obvious that Phil didn’t know what to say, considering the almost minute of silence after Dan’s confession. Who would know what to say after that?

“You don’t have to, like, worry about me in that sense, because I’m- I wouldn’t try anything, so,” Dan trailed off, figuring he made Phil uncomfortable with what he had admitted to. It was probably stupid of him to say something like that, but his brain wouldn’t stop.

“I just- I don’t know what you want me to say, Dan. Hell, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say after hearing something like that. Are you sure you’re okay?” Phil asked, genuinely confused and worried as fuck.

Dan grimaced at the question. “I know I’m not okay, but I won’t off myself if that’s what you’re trying to get at,” he said, his voice hoarse.

Once again, Phil didn’t reply, seemingly at a standstill of what to say that could comfort Dan. He assumed there wasn’t much that could comfort the younger boy at the moment.

Dan sighed, laying down again. “Sorry,” he mumbled, “This must be uncomfortable for you. I should go anyways, sorry for waking you.”

“It’s fine, I just don’t know what I can say to help you. Do you, um, have anything else you’d like to talk about?” Phil asked, not really wanting to hang up.

Dan yawned heavily, answering Phil’s question “No, it’s fine, I get it. I should probably just go to sleep anyways, get my mind off of it. Thanks for listening to me, though,” he replied. Dan knew he wouldn’t be able to get his mind off of it, but he really was tired, and he needed all the sleep he could get if he was planning on going back home later that morning.

“Anytime. Just call if you need to, okay? I’m always available for you to talk to.”

“Yeah, thanks. Goodnight Phil,” Dan said softly.

“Night, Dan. Try and actually sleep, alright?” Phil said, a playful tone echoing in his voice.

Dan let a small smile paint his expression, internally giggling at Phil’s voice. “Of course, mum,” he retorted.

“You’re funny, you know that? But seriously, I need the sleep too. Goodbye Dan,” Phil said, chuckling.

“Goodbye, Phil,” Dan whispered, waiting for Phil to hang up. The dial tone came several seconds later, ringing in Dan’s ear.

Dan let out a dramatic sigh, sitting up and placing his phone back on the bedside table. He crawled back under the duvet, curling up into a ball. He felt a little bit better after talking to Phil, but he still felt like absolute shit.

\---

Dan woke up to a pounding at the bedroom door, and loud shouts of “Dan? Are you okay?” and, “Dan, please open up!” from Chris.

He quickly threw the covers off of himself and rushed to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open. “Chris, what’s the matter? I’m fine,” he said, his voice raspy.

“Fuck, Dan, you scared me,” Chris mumbled, pulling the short boy into a tight hug.

Dan pushed back, his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion. “Chris, what are you on about?” Dan asked, letting out a little cough after.

Chris looked at him like he was crazy. “You were screaming for, like, ten minutes and I thought you were hurt, and you wouldn’t wake up, and the door was locked. I was so worried,” he exclaimed, pulling Dan back into a hug.

Dan was still quite confused, but it would explain why his throat was bugging him so much. He didn’t really remember his dream, either, and he didn’t wake up at all.

“I’m sorry I frightened you, I don’t remember that at all,” Dan mumbled against Chris’s chest. He wrapped his arms around Chris’s torso, snuggling his head into the older boy’s chest.

“Don’t apologize Dan, you’re okay,” Chris replied, rubbing Dan’s back in circular motions. “Do you wanna talk about it yet?”

“No, I don’t. Not yet, at least,” Dan said, instantly feeling guilty. He had told Phil everything, and he didn’t even feel like telling one of his best friends. Chris had done so much for him, and this is how he repays him? He really was quite a shit person, wasn’t he?

Chris pulled away and nodded, offering Dan a sympathetic smile. “It’s about ten forty-five, would you like me to drive you home?” Chris asked.

Dan felt his stomach drop, he wanted to stay at Chris’s, but he knew he had to go home or his parents would be even more irritated with him. They were probably at work anyways. “Could you?”

“Of course, gather your things and we can leave. I’ll be waiting outside,” Chris said, leaving Dan alone in the guest room.

Dan walked over to the dresser, grabbing his jeans out of the top drawer, not bothering to put them on. He quickly swiped his phone from the bedside table and left the room, closing the door gently. He made his way into the entryway, slipping on his shoes and coat.

Chris was right outside the door waiting, as he said, and when Dan walked out Chris smiled, beckoning him to his car. They both got inside, Chris starting the car right away but not moving.

Dan looked over at him after he buckled his seatbelt, giving him a questioning glance.

Chris looked unsure of himself when he turned to Dan, not quite looking into his eyes. “Did Grayson cheat on you?” Chris asked hurriedly, biting his lip and looking down.

Dan was shocked, and his chest began building pressure. “I- I told you I didn’t want to talk about it, Chris,” Dan replied defensively.

“C’mon Dan, why can’t you just tell me? I want to help you feel better and I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what happened,” Chris replied.

Dan chuckled bitterly, turning to face the window. “I’m not going to feel better, Chris, so it doesn’t matter, okay? It’s none of your business.”

Chris scoffed, turning off the car. “None of my business? I drove over there yesterday, picked you up, and let you stay in my home. I think it is my business. Why do you have to be so difficult all of the time?” he spat, glaring at the back of Dan’s head.

Dan’s shoulders stiffened and his head lowered. “Just take me home, Chris,” he whispered, crossing his arms over his chest protectively.

“I’m not taking you home until you answer me Dan. Did he or did he not cheat on you?” 

“Yes, okay? He fucking cheated on me, and I saw it with my own eyes, and I’m so fucking upset over it and just wanted to forget about it for a little while, but if you must fucking know, yes, he did. Are you happy now, Chris?” Dan shot out, turning towards the other boy. “Now, please, just take me home and don’t bother talking to me after.”

Chris flinched when he saw the tears dribbling down the younger boy’s face. He felt guilty, but all he had done was ask a simple yes or no question, he didn’t need to apologize for it. “Fine,” he retorted, turning the car back on and immediately starting to drive in the direction of Dan’s house.

They made it to Dan’s in less than ten minutes, as Chris was definitely speeding. When he pulled in, Dan grabbed his jeans and instantly got out of the car, slamming the door as hard as he could. As usual, there were tears streaming down his face, and all he wanted to do was sleep.

He heard Chris drive off, and it was like a weight was lifted off of his chest. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into the other boy, but he was hurt.

Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his keys, shakily unlocking the door and stepping in. Dan sighed in relief when he found the lights off and the house empty, not particularly wanting to deal with his parents. He toed his shoes off and kicked them onto the doormat, throwing his coat next to them. He headed upstairs and into his room, tossing his jeans on the floor and taking his phone out of his sweatpants pocket.

He didn’t have any notifications, which he was rather relieved about because he had no energy to deal with anything involving socializing. He plugged his phone in by his bed, sitting down on the soft mattress and rubbing his hands down his face.

Dan still felt so gross, and he knew he really needed to take a shower, but he was so tired and worn out. Plus, his throat was still bugging him, and sleep would probably help with that aswell.

He internally shrugged, figuring it wouldn’t hurt too much, and crawled under the covers, falling asleep rather quickly.

\---

“Daniel, are you in there?” The voice of his mother echoed through the hallway, waking Dan up from his surprisingly peaceful nap.

He cursed, sitting up and ruffling his matted hair. He figured his mother would just walk in so he didn’t bother with answering her. Dan yawned, cringing when he smelt his own breath.

Go figure, his mum opened the door less than thirty seconds later, glancing over at him sadly. “I see you made your way back home,” she muttered, smiling at him softly. “I’m guessing you spent the night over at Gray’s house, then?” she asked, moving to close his door.

Dan internally groaned. Could anyone go five seconds without mentioning that asshole? 

He shook his head, biting his lip. “I, uh, I stayed at Chris’s house,” he mumbled, twiddling his thumbs.

His mum looked surprised, her mouth forming into a comical ‘O’ shape. “Is that right? Are you and Gray okay?” she asked, walking towards Dan and sitting next to him on the bed.

Dan subconsciously shifted over, but the movement didn’t go unnoticed by his mother, who frowned slightly. “We, um, actually aren’t together anymore,” he whispered, his eyes stinging for the millionth time that day.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry Daniel, this must be hard for you,” she said sympathetically, hesitantly wrapping her arm around Dan’s shoulders.

He stiffened, but didn’t make any effort to remove his mother’s arm. He knew she was probably trying to make up for the day before, and he wasn’t going to forgive her, but he needed a bit of motherly comfort at the moment.

“Tell me about it,” he murmured, slouching. He leaned into his mum slightly, closing his eyes and inhaling the familiar scent of the strong perfume she always wore.

“What time is it, mum?” he asked, wondering how long he had slept for. He still felt tired, but it was obviously pretty late, and he hadn’t really eaten anything in the past two days.

“It’s almost nine, actually. Your dad had to stay in late today, so he’ll be back much later,” she replied, wrapping her other arm around Dan and pulling him into a tight hug. “I wanted to apologize for last night, by the way. It was wrong of me to walk away like that, your father just surprised me. I never expected that kind of behavior from him,” she added, her tone filled with guilt. 

“I love you, Bear, and I want you to know that I am going to try harder to be a mother to you. You don’t have to accept it, but I’ve realized how bad of a parent I’ve been to you, and you don’t deserve it. Will you give me a chance?”

Dan didn’t know whether it was the use of his childhood nickname, or the sincerity in his mother’s words, but he found himself nodding, snuggling into her warm embrace. He was officially soaking her blouse with his tears, but neither of them seemed to care. “I love you too, mum,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

“I’m glad. Now, how about I make you some food and then you hop in the shower? Your stomach has been growling for the last five minutes, and you smell like a pet,” she said, her tone playful.

Dan giggled quietly, nodding his head again. “I’d like that, especially the food part.”

\---

Dan and his mum ate dinner together, passing banter back and forth, and it was quite nice. Dan had always been a mama’s boy when he was younger, so he really enjoyed spending time with his mum when they were on good terms.

He’d taken a long shower to relax and went straight to bed, hugging his mum goodnight for the first time in almost six months.

\---

As if he needed any more reminders of Grayson, Dan woke up to a calendar reminder for their three year anniversary. It felt like a stab to the chest, and he wanted nothing more than to disappear. He couldn’t escape what had happened, and somehow he knew he probably never would. Needless to say he tossed his phone across the room, watching grimly as it landed in a pile of (most likely) dirty clothes.

He rolled over in bed, facing the far wall of his bedroom where his television and desk were. The clock above his TV read ten AM, although it felt like two in the morning. He knew it would probably be a rough day, and he wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest.

Dan spent more than two hours staring at the TV from his bed, not really watching anything as his mind was miles away. He had been reliving all of the wonderful times he had had with Grayson, and it had put him into a pretty shit mood if he was being honest. They had always had great anniversaries, going out to eat at a little cafe set out of town, visiting the park they used to frequent as children, and then coming back to one of their houses to spend time together in private.

Dan cringed at that though, smacking himself in the head repeatedly. It probably wasn’t the time to be thinking about their intimate times.

He sighed, sitting up in bed and yawning. He was still in his sweatpants, having changed back into them after his shower last night, being too lazy to find a clean pair of pants to wear. It wasn’t as if he was going anywhere, and he had no one to impress.

Dan felt so lonely, and he really wanted to be around people. He’d even settle for Chris at that point, but he knew he didn’t have to. He had someone that enjoyed being around him, and he enjoyed being around. 

Who better to spend time with him than Phil, someone who cared about Dan.

He stood up and grabbed his phone off of the suspicious pile of laundry, opening up his Message app.

\---  
To: Phil  
‘come over please?’  
\---

The message was simple, but he knew it would get the point across.

And it did, as Phil replied less than two minutes later.

\---  
From: Phil  
‘be there in ten’  
\---

When Dan heard the doorbell ring, he rushed downstairs, brushing off the skinny jeans he had slipped on after Phil replied to his text. He opened the door, smiling at the tall boy stood on the landing.

“Come in, you spork,” Dan said, grabbing Phil’s arm and pulling him inside.

“Well, hello to you too Dan,” Phil said teasingly.

Dan giggled, leading Phil upstairs to his room. They walked in, Phil immediately plopping down on Dan’s bed. Dan sat down next to him, placing his head on the older boy’s shoulder.

Phil instinctively wrapped his arm around Dan, pulling him close. “So, why the sudden invite? Are you alright?” Phil asked, looking down at Dan and smiling at the boy clinging to him.

Dan shrugged, bumping his knee against Phil’s. “Just lonely, I guess. Wanted someone to distract me from everything.”

Phil nodded in understanding, squeezing Dan’s arm firmly. “That’s reasonable. So what would you like to do?”

Dan grinned, standing up and facing Phil. “Wanna play Mario Kart?” he asked excitedly, gesturing to his TV behind him.

Phil groaned, knowing Dan was going to absolutely wreck him, but begrudgingly agreed, seeing the joyous expression on the other’s face.

\---

When the two got tired of Dan constantly winning at Mario Kart, they ended up sitting back on Dan’s bed, closer than before. Dan was in a clingy mood, constantly brushing against Phil.

Dan smiled sheepishly at Phil, “Can we, like, lay down, maybe?” Dan asked, his voice a few octaves higher than usual.

Phil nodded, returning the smile. He moved up the bed and layed down against the pile of pillows so his back was slightly elevated. Dan layed next to him, pressing his body against the side of Phil’s.

Dan felt an urge that wasn’t foreign to him. He needed a distraction from everything, one that would come from human contact, and he needed it now. A distraction that wasn’t video games, as they definitely would not suffice.

And suddenly he had probably the worst idea he’d ever thought of.

“Phil, I need you to do something for me,” Dan breathed out, looking directly into Phil’s baby blue eyes.

The other boy scrunched his eyebrows together, giving Dan a confused look. “Of course, Dan. What’s wrong?” he replied, turning to face the shorter.

Dan let out an anxious breath, putting a hand on Phil’s arm. “I- I’d rather just show you?” He phrased it as a question, still unsure of what he was about to do.

“Dan, what do you mean?” Phil asked uncertainly. He was getting slightly worried, as Dan wasn’t acting like himself.

“Don’t you trust me, Phil?” Dan asked, sitting up slightly.

Phil nodded his head. “Of course I do, Dan, but-” 

Dan cut him off, placing his hand that was previously on Phil’s arm on Phil’s waist. “Then just, please let me do this,” he whispered, moving his hand up and down slowly. He leaned down and kissed Phil lightly, closing his eyes tightly. Phil’s lips were smooth and soft, unlike Dan’s, which were chapped and rough from Dan constantly biting them.

Phil put a hand on Dan’s chest, pushing him back lightly. “Dan, you- are y- you sure about this?”

Dan opened his eyes, his bottom lip quivering. “Please, Phil, I need this, just this once,” he breathed, flicking his eyes between Phil’s lips and his eyes. 

Phil swallowed, searching Dan’s eyes for anything resembling hesitation. When he didn’t find any, he nodded, gripping Dan’s t- shirt in his fist and pulling the younger boy down. Their lips met delicately, almost like those of two lovers.

Dan and Phil both knew that wasn’t the case here, though.

Dan swung a leg over Phil’s waist so he was straddling him, leaning in further. He glided the hand that was on Phil’s waist up the other boy’s side and onto his chest, scratching at the clothed skin.

Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Phil bit Dan’s chapped bottom lip and pulled it back, letting it snap back into place. He swiped his tongue over the plump skin, and not a second later Dan opened his mouth. 

When Phil’s tongue entered Dan’s mouth, Dan couldn’t help but let out a needy whine. Phil tasted of wintermint and sweets, and it was intoxicating. It was much more appealing than the citrusy taste that Grayson had always seemed to possess.

Dan broke away from Phil’s kiss, moving his mouth to Phil’s neck and placing tiny kisses all of the skin. He nipped at a few places, leaving the purple marks that he typically despised.

Phil moved the hand that was gripping Dan’s shirt to the hem of it, sliding his hand underneath the thin black fabric, causing Dan to shiver. Dan’s skin was warm and smooth, like silk. It matched his usual attitude, soft and almost innocent, but after this Phil was beginning to think Dan wasn’t as mellow as he seemed.

Dan’s kisses had moved to Phil’s collar bones, which were exposed in the loose jumper Phil was wearing. Dan sucked a rather large mark on the pale creamy skin, kissing over it proudly. He was about to start another when Phil pulled him back up and met their mouths together once again, going straight into open mouth kisses.

Phil scratched at Dan’s back, causing the boy above him to let out a high pitched moan. He was panting with pleasure, rolling his body into Phil’s.

“Please d- don’t stop,” Dan whispered in between kisses, grabbing on to the hem of Phil’s jumper and pulling up. Dan sat up so he could pull off Phil’s sweater, throwing the fabric across the room. He drank in the sight of Phil’s porcelain skin, running his fingertips delicately over Phil’s stomach and chest. The boy below him was breathing heavily, and Dan could practically hear his heart beating out of his chest.

Phil stared up at Dan, rubbing the younger boy’s sides under his shirt. He was absolutely beautiful, and in that moment Phil could pretend that Dan was his. He was such a delicate human, with his doe eyes, his crater like dimples, and the pure softness of his appearance. He was all curves, no harsh edges. His lips were the only rough thing about him, really. They displayed his anxiety by the cracks and the chapped surface from years of anxious chewing, curling, and biting.

But, God, they were so full, and they felt so nice against Phil’s.

Dan leaned back down, pressing a kiss to Phil’s forehead before closing his eyes again and placing a delicate kiss on the side of Phil’s mouth, working his way over. He placed a ginger kiss on Phil’s lips, almost a promise, before biting at them and working them open against his lips, flicking Phil’s tongue with his own.

“It’s only fair,” Phil breathed between kisses, “that your shirt comes off as well,” he finished, pulling Dan’s shirt up. They broke apart while the article of clothing got thrown in the direction of Phil’s jumper.

Now, Dan had been shirtless in front of Phil a few times while changing shirts, but Phil never really had the time to admire Dan’s body like he could right then. And he bet his ass that he was drinking in the sight, because there was a ninety-five percent chance he would never have the opportunity again.

Dan didn’t have the ‘perfect body’ by any means, and it had always been something he didn’t particularly like about himself. Grayson had never really said anything about, or paid attention to Dan’s little bit of chub on his stomach, so it was always a constant worry. But now, with Phil, who was looking at him like he was a fucking god, he couldn’t have felt more confident in the way he looked.

Dan grinned, running a single finger down Phil’s chest gently. Phil shivered, biting his swollen lip in pleasure. Dan began moving his hips in little motions, looking at Phil innocently. He pulled Phil’s face up to his, kissing him lustfully on the mouth and moving his hands from Phil’s silky cheeks and lacing them in the black locks on Phil’s head.

Phil was surprised at Dan’s sudden burst of confidence, as it was very unlike him. He wasn’t complaining at all though, because frankly it was hot as Hell.

Both of them had a thin sheen of cold sweat, making the skin on skin contact even more satisfying.

The room was full of husky whines coming from Dan and breathy panting coming from Phil. They were so in time with each other as well, both letting out the sensual noises at the same moments. In an odd way, they were almost complementing one another.

Phil ran his nails down Dan’s back, forcefully pushing back against Dan’s lips. The whole thing was needy, the two boys just craving more and more of one another's touch.

Phil pulled away from Dan’s lips, placing his mouth on Dan’s neck right below his jaw. He began biting and sucking at the tender skin firmly, assuring a dark purple mark when he was done.

Something that Dan had always known was how sensitive his neck was. He was almost positive it was like a g-spot or something, so it was no surprise to him when he let out an obscenely loud moan when Phil began biting at the skin. 

He was starting to wonder why he had hated hickies so much.

It seemed as if Dan’s moan was encouraging to Phil, as he began moving down Dan’s body, leaving the purple bruises on his collar bones, chest, and stomach. He eventually had to roll Dan over so he was below Phil, giving him much easier access to Dan’s lower stomach. All the way down, Dan was letting out deafening moans, and it was a damn good thing his parents still worked during the holidays.

Caught up in the moment, Phil ran his hands down Dan’s torso, tracing every single mark until he got to the top of Dan’s jeans.

Phil had never claimed that he was the most intelligent person in the world. He wasn’t thinking logically at that point because he had the most breathtaking boy underneath him, someone who he had been crushing on since first glance, and it seemed as though the reasonable part of his brain had flown out the window and hit the ground two stories below. That’s why Phil didn’t think twice when he ran his hand over the front of Dan’s jeans and pulled on the younger boy’s zipper, not even checking to see if Dan was okay with it.

He wasn’t.

Dan felt like someone hit the ‘On’ switch in his mind, because before he knew it he was shoving Phil off of him and clambering to the opposite side of the bed, his bottom lip quivering. Fear and shame filled his big round brown eyes, making him look like a small child.

“I can’t do this, fuck, I th- thought I could but I can’t,” Dan whimpered, closing his eyes tightly. He choked out a loud sob, quickly transforming into a blubbering mess. 

Phil was unsure of what to do, so he just looked at the boy, frowning sadly. “Dan, I’m sorry, I should have asked first, I...” he trailed off, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

Dan shook his head repeatedly. “It- my fault, I thought it would distract me- from it, but n- nothing will,” he sobbed, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Distract you from what, Dan?” Phil asked carefully.

Dan shrunk into himself, snivelling. “Today would have been mine and Gr- Grayson’s three y- year anniversary, and- and it hurts s- so bad and I th- thought this would help, b- but it’s making it worse, and I don’t know what to fucking do, because I’m s- so empty without h- him,” he stifled out, the words burning in his throat.

“He was the first p- person to make me actually feel- feel something, and he broke my l- last string, Phil, and I’m so lost. I d- don’t even know who I a-am anymore.”

Phil just sat there, completely baffled on the change of mood. He felt so damn guilty, seeing the boy across from him crying and breaking down, digging his nails into his own flesh.

It was heart breaking. It truthfully seemed like someone had ripped out Dan’s heart and stomped on it multiple times, which, Phil assumed, is basically what had happened, and it was painfully obvious that that was how Dan felt. Dan was utterly broken, and Phil wanted nothing more than to fix him, but seeing Dan in that state, Phil was almost positive he was broken beyond repair, never to be healed.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betcha never saw that coming oooooOoOoooOOOoOOoo
> 
> also, the part with dan and his mother actually made me tear up when i wrote it bc family is important to me and!!!
> 
> so i'm not entirely sure when chapter 9 will be up, but i'm aiming for the next two weeks, and if not i will post a one-shot or something that's not this story 
> 
> also chapter ten* is going to be in phil's point of view i'm pretty sure, so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> leave a comment/kudos only if you want and see you all next time!!
> 
> *I updated the chapters and got rid of the two parts to chapter seven, as it probably woud've confused me for a v long time, so sorry if there was any confusion with that! also chapter 10 isn't in phil's pov bc i really tried but it did not work out, but don't worry, there will eventually be a chapter in phil's pov (^:


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh it's been a long time and i'm sorry! i've been quite busy with school and such, and i rewrote this chapter three times! i know i said it'd be in phil's pov, but it just wasn't working out for me, so sorry about that. i rushed the end a lot, and i might (slight chance) go back and rewrite a bit of it, but ehhh.
> 
> this is a bit anticlimatic, but that's okay. i guess i can lay off the cliffhangers for now. also i imagined dan with his early 2013 hair at the beginning of this, so keep that in mind.
> 
> (this is just shy of 3k and i want to scream^tm)
> 
> (also i did not read this over)

Sometimes, after one of his breakdowns, Dan would get extremely angry. It was a side affect of not taking his pills, and as it turned out, he forgot to do that that morning. So as it goes, Dan cried for a solid twenty minutes while ignoring Phil, and then felt as if someone had taken his mood and twisted it one hundred eighty degrees. The tears didn’t stop, but Dan was beyond pissed.

He lifted his head out of his hands and looked over at Phil who was sat guiltily on the bed. His brown eyes narrowed furiously at the sight.

“What the fuck are you still doing here,” Dan spat out, his voice still hoarse from the constant tears. He shakily stood up from his bed, backing into the corner of his room.

Phil’s big blue eyes widened in confusion and alarm. He scrambled off of the bed, moving towards the door quickly. “Dan, listen, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to-” he started, leaning down to grab his sweater, but Dan interrupted him.

“Just get out!” he screeched, pasting himself against the wall. His eyes were filled with untamed emotions, glazing over more and more as each second passed on.

Dan fit the definition of ‘emotionally unstable’ in every way right then. His hair was curly and sticking up in multiple places, his cheeks were flushed and damp with tears, his eyes were brimming with hysteria, and his whole entire body was trembling.

Phil was genuinely terrified, anyone could see that. He simply nodded, slipping on his jumper and shoes, gathering everything he had brought. He stumbled over his own feet on his way out when taking one last glance at Dan, who wasn’t paying the slightest of attention to him any longer.

When the sound of the front door slamming shut echoed through the house, Dan relaxed against the wall. With blurry vision, Dan looked into the mirror on his right. He felt nauseous at the amount of purple and red marks scattered across his entire upper body. He had no idea how he was going to cover up the ones on his neck, which were a dark plum color, contrasting intensely with his currently pale skin. Dan lifted up his hand, tracing the dark splotches on his neck and collar bones delicately. They were a bit sore at the touch, throbbing any time Dan put even the slightest amount of pressure on them.

Dan was disgusted with the boy looking back at him in the mirror. That boy was dirty, broken, unwanted; that wasn’t Dan. It couldn’t be, because Dan was sad, but he wasn’t dirty, and he wasn’t unwanted. Or so he previously thought.

Dan didn’t even know who he was at that moment. He didn’t feel like the anxiety-driven mess he usually was, or the boy who was once passionate about love, or the boy who loved dogs so much he wanted to cry. He had lost that Dan in the past month, and he hated that. He hated the fact that someone who he had loved more than anything in the world could make him feel so worthless. 

The longer Dan stared at himself in the mirror, the more he wanted to scrub his whole body down until every trace of Grayson was gone, but that would never happen. Little things on his body reminded him of Grayson, things he couldn’t really get rid of.

But there was one thing he could fix, and that was his hair.

Dan immediately made his way out into the hallway and into the bathroom across from his room. His shaking hands tore open the top drawer under the sink, scrambling for the pair of scissors he kept in there. His left hand grazed over the plastic black handle, and he pulled them out, holding them in his hand nervously.

His eyes studied the sharp object in his hand, running over every little detail in the plastic. He couldn’t believe he had gotten to this point, but somehow he thought it would make him feel better.

Dan lifted his head to look at his hair in the mirror. He’d always kept his hair longer, having it fall a little past his ears, and his fringe ghosting over his jawline. It was curlier this way, and Grayson always loved it, so he didn’t necessarily see a problem. Sure, he had gotten his fair share of “Emo Boy” in the hallways, but it wasn’t something that had bothered him. Grayson liked it, and before that was all that mattered to Dan.

But there was no point now. It would just be another constant reminder of the boy who had ruined Dan’s world, and with that thought, Dan grabbed the first section of hair resting against his neck and chopped it off, watching it fall into the bathroom sink.

It brought a sense of relief, and a deranged smile made its way onto Dan’s face. He had control of something again.

Tears and chunks of hair fell onto the floor as Dan got more and more hysterical. Curly strands of coffee-colored hair surrounded him, swirling in the air and making a mess of his bathroom. At this point, he was just hacking at his hair, not even paying attention to what he was doing.

In fact, he was so out of it that he didn’t even hear the door open downstairs, or the footsteps running up the stairs, or the shouting of his mother at the bathroom door. He only snapped out of it when he felt the scissors being ripped from his hands.

He shot around, staring at his mum who was looking at him with concern and worry in her eyes. His heart sank, and his lower lip began trembling. “Mum,” he choked out, feeling hot tears flowing out of his eyes. “I- I can explain,” he gargled out, barely audible.

She simply shook her head, setting the scissors down on the counter and pulling Dan into her arms. He buried his head into her shoulder, as she was a few inches taller than him.

“You’re okay, Bear,” she whispered, running one of her hands through his choppy hair. She felt tiny hairs stick to her hand and grimaced. 

Dan sobbed into her shoulder, grasping onto her blouse tightly. “I’m n- not, though,” he whimpered, shaking his head repeatedly. “I hate myself s- so much, mum.”

Mary felt her heart crack in two at that. She pulled back from the hug, keeping Dan at arms length. He kept his head down and his eyes shut tightly, not budging. 

She bit her lip, staring down at the wrecked boy. “Can you tell me what happened, Dan?” she asked quietly.

Dan chuckled emotionlessly, looking up and past his mother. “I fucked up, mum, I really fucked up,” he whispered.

Mary flinched at the harsh words, but she let it be for now. “Would you like to talk about it?” She followed up with. She was quite curious, and concerned, about the hickeys painted all over her sons chest.

“I never want to talk about anything with anyone ever again,” he croaked out, moving to leave the bathroom, but his mum stood in front of him.

“We’ll go tomorrow to get your hair all fixed up,” she said, and moved out of his way.

Dan’s chest tightened and he nodded, breaking the brief eye contact they had. He lowered his head and moved past Mary, out of the bathroom and back across the hall.

“I love you, Bear,” his mum said before he closed his door. Dan halted shortly and nodded once, but then made his way into his room. The turn of the lock on his door seemingly echoed through the hall.

Mary was teary eyed as she swept up the brown locks that littered the bathroom floor later that evening. She could hear her son sobbing over his soft piano music that was playing through his speakers, and it was in that moment she felt the worst she had in a long time.

\---

It had become routine for Dan to cry himself to sleep while wrapped up in three blankets, and that night wasn’t any different. 

Except maybe it was, because he was well aware of how horrid his hair was, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to forget about that moment of complete weakness ever. Dan realized that it showcased how truly messed up he really was, and the fact that his mother had witnessed it made it a whole lot worse.

That night Dan dreamt of what could have been, had he not met Grayson. It was rather horrible, as the other boy had been Dan’s entire life, but in the end Dan couldn’t muster up the strength to care. In his dreams, he had not been sad, he had not given up, and he was happier than he had ever been in his actual life. That’s probably what hurt him the most.

\---

Hair salons weren’t Dan’s favorite place to go, especially extremely posh ones that made him feel like he was being judge the whole time. His mother insisted they go to a nice one, as Dan had majorly fucked up his hair. It wasn’t as if it couldn’t be fixed, but going to a Supercuts would most likely make it even worse.

They ended up waiting in the lobby area for a good half hour, and when Dan did get called up, the look of pure disgust on the hairdressers face was very blatant. She took one look at him before shaking her head disappointingly and beckoning him into the large chair.

“What ever happened here, darling?” the blonde posh lady asked, picking at pieces of Dan’s fringe (which was mostly intact, thankfully). “Did you pick up a pair of safety scissors and chop until you resembled a badly groomed poodle?” 

Dan flinched at her harsh words and looked down into his lap ashamedly. “Can you fix it?” he whispered, his voice small.

She scoffed as if Dan had insulted her. “Of course I can. We’ll just shorten the back and fix up your fringe a bit, maybe shave the sides a little. Sound good?” she asked.

Dan bit his lip and nodded, looking up and meeting the lady's eyes in the mirror. Her eyes softened a bit when she saw the sadness that presented itself in Dan’s gaze.

“You’ll look great, hun. Don’t you worry,” she said, her voice significantly softer and more caring. She smiled reassuringly, patting Dan’s shoulder softly.

\---

“And we’re done!” Amy (which Dan had found out was her name during her continuous rants about her ex husband) exclaimed, straightening the last bit of Dan’s fringe. She set the iron down and fluffed Dan’s hair a bit, smiling contentedly to herself.

Dan shouldn’t have been as nervous as he was, but he couldn’t help it. He’d had the same haircut for multiple years, and he really didn’t straighten it that often, maybe twice a week, because Grayson liked it curly. He truly was losing the old Dan, and it felt horrid but rejuvenating all at once.

“Ready to see it? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!” Amy squealed, getting ready to turn Dan’s chair around.

Dan blushed a bit and nodded, taking a deep breath.

“Alright, so luckily you didn’t touch your fringe that much, which made this a lot less painful,” Amy said, practically shaking in excitement. “Oh my goodness! It just looks so nice on you!” she squealed.

Dan giggled quietly, shaking his head. “Well may I see it?” he asked in his usual hushed voice, feeling the anticipation building up in his stomach.

“Oh, of course! Okay, close your eyes,” Amy commanded, turning the chair to face the mirror when Dan’s eyes were surely shut. “Okay, so if you hate it, we can always shave it, but in my professional opinion, it looks absolutely lovely.”

“I’m opening my eyes now,” Dan said, chuckling at the older woman. He took one last deep breath and quickly opened his eyes, staring back at the unrecognizable boy in the mirror.

Dan had never really been someone that loved their physical appearance, but for once in his life, Dan felt confident by himself. He’d always fed off of other's opinions, but it seemed as though his was enough that day.

Amy smiled back at him in the mirror, self confidence radiating off of her. “I’m sure your girlfriend will love it,” Amy said, smirking and glancing down at Dan’s neck.

That statement brought a frown on Dan’s face and made his eyes gravitate to his neck as well. He knew his hoodie didn’t cover all of the marks, and he knew people had seen the (very obvious) hickeys on his neck, but he wasn’t really expecting anyone to mention it. It was generally seen as inappropriate to make things like that a subject of conversation. Dan didn’t need any more of a reminder of what he had done with Phil.

“Um, yeah. Thank you for this, I really like it,” he murmured half-heartedly, getting out of the chair and leading himself to the lobby with Amy following behind him.

She obviously didn’t pick up the melancholy tone of Dan’s voice, because she just beamed happily as she stepped behind the counter and rang up his total. “Any day, hun!”

Dan felt someone put their hand on their shoulder, moving him away from the counter and stepping forward. His mother quickly swiped her card to pay, adding on a ten pound tip. “Thank you, Amy, it looks wonderful, but we must be going now. Have a nice day,” his mother said, an icy tone present in her voice.

Dan followed behind her when she practically ran out of the hair salon, heading towards the car. Mary unlocked the doors, ushering Dan to get in quickly. When they were both sat and buckled, Mary turned to Dan with a gentle smile on her face.

“Sorry, I know how invasive Amy can get, I was hoping you wouldn’t get her. She did a lovely job with your hair though, you look very handsome,” she said happily, giving Dan a quick grin.

“Thanks, mum,” he muttered, looking down towards his feet and twisting his hands together nervously.

Mary nodded in response, starting the car and exiting the complex they were in, getting on the main road. 

They sat in silence for a while, and it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but it wasn’t really comfortable either. There was still a blanket of tension resonating in the air, and Dan knew it was because of him. 

Dan shifted so he was turned towards his mother. His left hand made it’s way up to his collar and pulled it up subconsciously. He cleared his throat quietly. “Mum?” he whispered.

Mary raised her eyebrows, glancing over at Dan before returning her eyes to the road. “What’s up, Bear?”

“Did I- Are you disappointed in me?” he asked, his voice barely audible. He carefully watched her expression, frowning when she bit her lip in thought.

“Dan, I’m not disappointed in you, because I know you haven’t done anything super terrible. But that doesn’t mean I’m entirely proud of you either,” Mary said, pulling into their driveway and turning off the car, but making no move to get out. She unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to Dan.

“I completely respect the fact that you don’t want to tell me what happened yesterday, but with you not telling me, I have to assume the worst. All I know right now is that you and Grayson are no longer together, and I came home yesterday to find you in the bathroom in the middle of a breakdown with bruises all over your chest and neck while you cut your own hair off. You have to understand how that looked to me,” Mary said, a caring but stern tone overflowing her voice.

Dan nodded, embarrassment taking over his body. “Yeah,” he mumbled in response, scratching at his neck. “I, uh, I understand,” he added, unbuckling his seatbelt. Dan leaned back against his seat, staring at the roof of the car. He curled his lip into his mouth, chewing on it softly.

“You do that when you don’t want to talk anymore, you know,” Mary said, referring to Dan’s lip. “You’ve done it since you were little.”

Dan glanced over to his mother, who was smiling at him. “It’s really just a nervous trait, mum,” he replied, a bit sharply. He disliked when his parents acted as if they knew him, because they truly didn’t. It seemed as if no one did anymore.

Dan could feel himself slowly growing angry, and he didn’t quite know why, but it probably had to do with his lack of medication the past few days. He knew little things would begin to set him off, and he’d probably end up doing something he would regret later.

The smile immediately vanished off of Mary’s face, a look of hurt replacing it. She nodded solemnly, reaching for the door handle. “We can talk later when your father gets home, I’m sure he’d want to be apart of this conversation,” she replied bitterly, getting out of the car and slamming the door, practically stomping her way into the house.

Dan sighed, closing his eyes tightly. The constant up and downs with his mother were tiring. One minutes they were on great terms, and the other she was practically threatening him. It’d been that way his whole life though, so he shouldn’t have expected much more.

It wasn’t as if things between them could be repaired so easily, and Dan knew that in the back of his mind. He just hoped that it would be different this time.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea when the next chapter will be up, and i'm not going to set a time for myself because that was a mess last time, so just look out for it i suppose. sorry this chapter was so extremely rushed, but i liked some of it so (^:
> 
> also dan now has shorter hair, probs 2015. that's how i'm gonna picture it as.


	11. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello i am very sorry it has been so long, and i feel horrible, but this particular chapter has been giving me hell. it's kind of shit but it has gotten to the point that i just needed to update, and i know i'd never be happy with this chapter so i just decided to write it and deal with it.
> 
> i have written a few other chapters while procrastinating this one though, and those ones are actually pretty well written so !!! i'm on break right now and i will be writing and i can almost 100% promise you guys that chapter 12 will not take as long as 11 has. 
> 
> i apologize for how short this chapter is (only 1.5k), and how badly written and detailed it is, but for now we're gonna have to live w/it. i could say a bunch of excuses as to why i haven't updated, but that's be pointless for everyone. i've just had horrible writers block with this part of the story and i genuinley apologize for that. 
> 
> i'd also like to mention that i do update the tags in this story pretty often. i had no general outline for this story, so some of the things i add aren't planned or thought of until i write them. i do encourage all of you to regularly check the tags to see if i've added anything that might be a sensitive topic. with that being said, they do contain spoilers and if you aren't with that, i can't really fix that? although the basic idea of the spoilers are in the tags, i promise they will still come as a surprise and will still be emotional (i hope).
> 
> i hope you guys even slightly enjoy this chapter, and i hope to see you soon (aka not in a month and a half)

Dan knew it hadn’t been the best time to back talk his mother, considering the physical (and mental) state he was currently in. She had a high tolerance for his bull shit, probably because she had never really been around, but when she had had enough, she was ruthless.

Maybe that’s why Dan was sitting in his room with the door locked, trembling in fear while he awaited his father to arrive home. He knew it would be another unpleasant conversation, and that was putting it lightly. He was hoping if he kept his bedroom door locked and pretended to sleep he could escape the confrontation, but knowing Dan’s parents they’d probably find the key to his door and drag him out.

He had considered calling Chris to apologize so the other boy would pick him up, but with it being so close to the holidays he knew Chris would be busy doing something for his family. Christmas was in two days, and Dan had never dreaded the festive day more than he did right then.

In the past years it had been tolerable. He had Grayson and his family to spend the day with, and occasionally his own parents would get him what they thought of as a meaningful gift (which really just ended up being another Winnie the Pooh book sat on his shelf). Christmas still hadn’t been his all time favorite holiday, or one he looked forward to every year like other people. It was just another corporatized holiday that had lost all of it’s meaning years ago, and he accepted that.

It had been nice to have someone to spend it with, though. Dan could admit that with no shame, because no one wanted to spend any holiday alone. He didn’t have that anymore, and that’s probably one of the things that sucked the most. He had nobody to love him anymore, nobody that would care for him like Grayson had.

It was comical, actually, how his life had turned upside down in such a short amount of time. It was so entirely cliche what had happened, like Dan was in a dumb high school movie. The only difference was that movies generally tended to have happy endings, and Dan wasn’t quite sure he would be graced with that.

\---

The next hour was spent with Dan staring at the wall across from his bed, his mind blank. Well, that wasn’t entirely true, as Phil was crossing his mind every few minutes, but beside that it was as if Dan had flushed everything out of his mind for a short while. He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or terrified; maybe he was more fucked up than he thought.

The short taps on his door are what brought Dan out of his (lack of) thoughts. He glanced at the door, which he could barely make out as all of his lights were out, then returned his gaze to the wall. As emotionless as he was right then, he figured he could take anything his parents laid out in front of him. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t heard it all before, from them and others.

The knocks continued, along with turning of his locked doorknob.

“Dan, please open up.” His father’s voice echoed into his room, loud and clear. The man was still pulling at his doorknob harshly.

Dan slid down on his bed, laying down and covering himself with his blankets. He nestled his head into his pillow (which, notably, smelt faintly of citrus, but he couldn’t think about that now) and closed his eyes, willing his body to listen to him for once and comply to sleeping.

“Dan? Dan, please, open the door,” his father said again, but there was something off in his tone. If Dan hadn’t been utterly empty, he probably would have sensed the desperation growing in his father’s voice, but Dan wasn’t really there at that moment.

A muffled “Mary, he’s not answering,” was whispered with an underlying tone of worry, followed by the clicks of his mother's shoes down the stairs. His father continued to knock and call out Dan’s name, but it was as his father's voice was passing right through Dan’s mind.

The sound of his father’s fist on the wooden door echoed in his head continuously though, playing over and over again, ticking in his ears like a constantly running clock. The sharp noise was beginning to hammer at Dan’s skull, breaking away layers of the miniscule amount of sanity he actually had left. Every tap was another hit of the hammer, a migraine inducing rattle.

Dan’s wide eyes were locked on the wall across from his bed once again, a burning sensation taking over his head as he continued to stare without blinking. He lifted a shaky hand up from under his duvet and grabbed onto a chunk of his hair, pulling subconsciously at the short locks. His other hand quickly followed, and soon enough he was sitting up on his bed, his mind's protests drowned out by the constant tapping.

His hands moved and slapped over his ears, pushing down hard to try and cancel the noise. Dan bent over, burying his head into his legs which he had brought up slightly closer to his torso. He squeezed his eyes shut and began to shake his head back and forth, whispering a soft “No, no, no” every few seconds.

The only thing Dan was aware of at that moment was the continuous tapping echoing in his head, so he didn’t realize when his parents had unlocked his bedroom door and rushed in. His mum ran over and crouched down next to him and gripped his shoulders tightly, shaking him and calling his name. His father stood to the side, completely unaware of what to do.

Dan’s screaming started as soon as his mother laid her manicured hands on his hunched shoulders. The harsh noise overpowered that in his mind, making him notice that the tapping sound had indeed stopped, and it brought him back from the dark depths of his tainted mind. Somewhat.

His eyes were glazed over when he peeled them open, and a certain crazed look was captured in his pupils, a certain look that his mother hadn’t seen in a very long time. All of the color had been flushed out of his face, his lips were cracked, and his eyes were almost black in color.

“Andrew,” Mary whispered, turning to face her husband for a half second, “Call Dan’s therapist, we need to get him in tomorrow. He hasn’t been in almost a month and a half,” she finished, looking back at her son.

“Mary, he’s supposed to go at least twice a week, why hasn’t he?” Andrew asked, not keeping his voice as calm as Mary had.

“Well, neither of us have been doing a particularly good job at taking care of our child, and you and I both know we have to force him into going, so that’s probably why, Andrew,” Mary spat, standing up and moving in front of her husband.

Dan’s father narrowed his eyes at the woman standing in front of him. “Our child has a roof over his head and food to eat because of the money I provide for this household, you cannot tell me I am not doing a good job of caring for him,” Andrew snapped back.

Mary let out a humorless chuckle. “I’m not entirely sure if you’ve noticed, but we have the same job that makes generally the same amount of money, we are both equal providers for this so called ‘family’. And it’s not just the physical aspect Andrew, we are responsible for his emotional needs as well!”

“Honestly Mary, I do not need you telling me how the fuck to take care of Dan! He is a teenager-”

“Stop! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Dan screamed, closing his eyes again and enforcing the pressure on his ears with his hands. There was a trail of tears running down his cheeks, and the red splotch by his jaw that turned up when he was upset was present.

Both adults quickly turned back to Dan, momentarily forgetting he was even there. Their son was shaking profusely on his bed, tremors coursing through his body. His lanky legs were pulled up to his chest and his arms were tight against his sides as he covered his ears. The light grey t-shirt he was wearing was soaked in sweat, clinging to his body.

“Just- w-why can’t everyone j- just shut up for once!” Dan wailed, curling into himself even more. He let out a few choked sobs, making his throat feel even more raw than it had from all the screaming and yelling.

Mary and Andrew gave one another a side glance, Mary biting her lip and Andrew nodding. 

“I’ll call Dr. Rhys,” Andrew whispered, taking one look at Dan before leaving the room.

Dan let out a soft whimper, the sound projecting how thoroughly drained he was. It was truly heartbreaking, and Mary felt a sharp jab in her heart. 

She exited the room and leaned against the doorframe, closing her eyes and letting out a long, heavy breath.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are always appreciated and they do indeed make me want to write more so (^:


	12. Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I KNOW THIS IS JUST AS SHORT AS THE LAST ONE BUT I REALLY LOVE THIS ONE AND I WAS NEEEEEDDDING TO POST IT. I LITERALLY COULDN'T WAIT SO. SORRRYYYY.
> 
> next chapter is christmas (and some other things) and some other important *cough cough* characters will be possibly making an appearance.

Dan ended up in the well-kept, brightly colored room of his therapist the next day. It was a gloomy Wednesday, and all Dan wanted was to be back in his bed. The previous day hadn’t left him in the best mood, and when his mother told him late in the evening that he was scheduled to visit Dr. Rhys the next day, he was not happy. 

His therapist was a kind man in his late thirties. He’d been Dan’s therapist since Dan was twelve, and he knew Dan a lot better then the teenager really understood. He knew how Dan functioned, and he was probably the only other person in Dan’s life who knew exactly how bad his condition was. 

Of course Dan didn’t dislike the man, as he’d been there for him when no one else was, but that was his job. He was expected to help Dan when he was in need of guidance, and if he didn’t, he would get fired. It had never felt entirely genuine, but deep down, in the part of Dan’s brain that wasn’t constantly clouded by his disorder and anxiety, he knew that the older man cared.

When Dan had walked into the office half an hour ago, Dr. Rhys had immediately picked up on Dan’s stress. It wasn’t really difficult to tell how disheveled the boy was, as there were large purple bags under his eyes and his posture was worse than it usually was; his shoulders slumped over and his neck at a downward angle that couldn’t be comfortable.

They chatted about school and hobbies for a bit before the mood and ambience turned more serious and professional.

When the first hint of a momentous question could be detected, Dan had simply slumped further down on the all-too-familiar black couch, pulling his legs up against his chest and resting his chin on his knees. It had been a while since he’d been, but the environment was still familiar and he was never really uncomfortable in Dr. Rhys company.

The dark haired man smiled sympathetically at Dan, taking a moment to study his expression. He folded his hands together and rested them atop his oak desk, clearing his throat softly. “How’ve you been emotionally, Dan? It’s been a bit,” he asked, his voice holding a caring tone.

Dan shrugged, keeping his eyes on his scuffed up sneakers. “Not good.”

“Have you been taking your medication on a regular basis? You haven’t come in for a prescription refill request in almost three months,” Dr. Rhys said, raising his eyebrow questioningly, getting straight to the point.

“No, I haven’t taken it in almost a month, I think,” Dan admitted, knowing he couldn’t hide anything. These sessions always passed quicker if he didn’t lie. “And before that it was pretty off and on. I thought I didn’t need it, and when I realized I did, it made me feel out of control. I need to be in control,” he added, his voice growing quiet near the end.

“You deserve to be in control of yourself, Dan. You aren’t in the wrong, and I understand why taking your medication makes you feel like you aren’t in charge of your mind and body, but it helps you. It makes you feel normal, remember?” The doctor said calmly. He knew Dan needed reassurance all the time that he wasn’t broken or different. It was something they had seriously struggled with in the past and even a few months ago.

Dan shook his head, looking up into the other male’s eyes. “It makes me feel numb and emotionless. At least I feel something when I’m having a fucking panic attack,” Dan whispered sharply.

Dr. Rhys narrowed his eyes at Dan warningly. “Getting angry doesn’t help Dan. I’m only here to help you, you know this. I’m not trying to attack you, I’m on your side.”

Dan flinched at the firm tone as he had forgotten how stern Dr. Rhys could be. Dan’s grip around his legs tightened, trying to secure himself. “I know that,” Dan mumbled, his voice significantly less confident and bitter than before.

“How about this; if you can take your medication, twice a day like you are supposed to, for a week, we can look into either lessening the dosage or getting a prescription for a more mild medication. One that doesn’t make you feel so numb, but can still help control your anxiety and panic. How does that sound?” Dr. Rhys suggested.

As soon as the words ‘lessening the dosage’ left the older mans mouth, Dan was immediately nodding his head. “Can we please?” He murmured. 

“If you can finish a week's prescription without skipping, we can look into it. I’m making no promises, but we can definitely try. I’ll also have to talk to your parents before we can make any changes,” he replied.

Dan internally groaned at that; after what his parents had experienced the past few days, there was no way they’d agree to it. He nodded anyways, looking back down at his feet.

There was a few moments of silence after that, and Dan knew Dr. Rhys was observing his actions. No matter how calm and collected Dan always tried to seem, the older man could see right through him.

“How’s Grayson, Dan?” He asked, his voice holding a knowing tone.

It almost seemed like a natural reaction when Dan flinched at the name. His bottom lip immediately curled into his mouth, his grip around his knees tightened, and his shoulders shrunk lower. “Pass,” he muttered.

“No passes today. There’s something going on that I need to know about; it’s not everyday your father calls me to set up an appointment. Spill,” Dr. Rhys said, leaning over his desk slightly.

Dan sighed, glancing around the room and avoiding eye contact. “We’re not together anymore, Rhys,” he whispered, glaring at the back wall. He took a quick glance at Rhys. “He cheated on me,” he added, sensing the man’s confusion.

The shock emanating off of Rhys was almost comical to Dan. A similar feeling had been shown in his mother when she found out that they’d broken up. He imagined he’d be experiencing similar reactions from his peers when he went back to school the next week.

“Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. When did this information reach you?” Rhys asked.

Dan chuckled bitterly. “Almost a week ago when I walked in on him having sex with a girl. I should also mention that this was right after I had gotten in a huge argument with my father, who thought it would be really kind to call me an idiot and a disgrace straight to my face,” he choked out, his eyes watering a bit. 

“I imagine you weren’t angry at the time, you were more upset. You felt truly betrayed and humiliated. It really hurt, didn’t it?” 

Dan felt anger bubble up inside of his chest, along with the all too familiar feeling of panic. Neither of which were directed at Rhys, though. “I felt like my entire fucking world was collapsing down on me. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of me for the millionth time in my life, but instead of it quickly returning like it had in the past, it seemed as if I’d never get it back. I felt so empty in that moment, like I do now, but I also felt and feel every single negative emotion in the whole universe and it hurts so much,” Dan croaked out, the trickle of tears running down his face following.

Dan remembered the conversation he had had with Phil that night. He’d admitted some things that probably should’ve been kept to himself, but he knew it was important that he tell someone. And he knew he needed to tell Dr. Rhys.

“This is really hard for me to say to you,” Dan whispered. “I know it shouldn’t be, but I don’t want you to see me as some weak, depressed kid. That’s kind of what I felt like, though.”

Dr. Rhys scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. “What do you mean by that, Dan? What happened?”

Dan took a big breath in and out, closing his eyes. “I had that feeling again. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, and I wouldn’t of tried anything because I don’t want to die, you know that, but I was afraid of living again. He was like my lifeline, and it had been taken away from me. I had the overwhelming feeling to quit again,” he finished, opening his eyes and glancing at the older man.

“I think you’ve mistaken your reason for feeling that way Dan. You felt that way because you had this sense of security that was broken, one that you’ve had for a very long time. You didn’t fear living because you lost Grayson, you feared living because of the relationship, the bond, that was broken,” Rhys explained.

Dan looked at him with a baffled expression. “I don’t get it,” he replied.

The man chuckled slightly, shaking his head. “Grayson is a person Dan. You cared about him, loved him even, but the emotional bond you had with him is something you’ve never had before. You craved the love and support, more than you craved Grayson himself. You can have that kind of bond with anyone, it doesn’t matter the person attached to the end of it. This isn’t me saying you don’t care about him, because I know you do, and I know it hurt when you saw what you did, but you can rebuild whatever you lost. It won’t be the same, but it might be better,” he said.

“B- but he was my boyfriend, my best friend,” Dan murmured. 

“I realize this, and being cheated on is a terrible thing, and it’s going to be hard to trust again, but you’re a strong person. You’re very likeable and easy to get along with, you’ll find someone else that cares about you just as much, and very possibly more than Grayson did.”

Dan’s mind flashed to the ocean blue eyes he’d been thinking of for days. The ones he’d hurt and made tear up. “I think I have already.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i admit the end is a bit rubbish but it's a good thing for me to be able to write and post a chapter only a few days after a previous one. 
> 
> do you guys like the shorter chapters more that can be posted more often or would you prefer i take a bit longer to reach like 3.5k? 
> 
> thanks for reading friendos!


	13. Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter was originally going to be longer, because if i'm being honest i really didn't want to write more than one christmas chapter, but i literally feel so bad for not posting for so long, and i'm not gonna give any excuses, so there will be a second chapter revolving around christmas.
> 
> also this one isn't too great but i really wanted to get one up so i'm vERY sorry.
> 
> edit: man i realized i funked up and the ages are totally off so i've fixed that and to clear it up Dan is 17 and Grayson is too yikes ugh grayson is older than dan but like okay im so confusing im very sorry im a mess

It was seven AM on Christmas morning, and Dan wished more than anything he was still asleep. He’d been woken up at the unreasonable hour of six AM because some of his family had decided to surprise them with a visit, and now he was sat in the airport with his grouchy mother and father. They’d all stopped to get some coffee before making their way to the airport, but Dan didn’t like coffee all that much, and it wasn’t helping his parents in the slightest. They’d snapped at Dan when he’d gone to use the restroom in Starbucks because he ‘took too long’ and ‘they’re going to be late to the airport that is twenty minutes away’.

So far, it hadn’t been the most enjoyable Christmas. Dan was suspecting the bitterness would continue, as his family was quite problematic and never really got on well. They tended to keep away from Dan and his parents, so it was a shock to everyone when they announced the night before they had a scheduled flight from Northern Ireland to the quaint town Dan resided in in the South of England.

“Mum, how long?” Dan asked sleepily. He was slouched on a very uncomfortable metal bench that sat in the waiting area, his head leaned back against the wall. He’d been trying to sleep for the past ten minutes, but the continuous huffs from his parents were too distracting.

“Hopefully not much longer,” his mother grumbled out.

“That didn’t answer my question, but whatever,” he replied in a sarcastic tone. He let out a dramatic sigh and stomped his foot quietly.

“You’re not the only one who doesn’t want to be here, Dan. Stop with the childish attitude, you’re seventeen for God’s sake,” his father barked out, sending his son a glare.

Dan glared right back, putting as much irritation and dislike into his eyes as possible. He wasn’t in the mood to have his parents bitch at him, especially not on Christmas morning. He just wanted to go home, go back to bed, and try to drown out all of the good memories from past Christmases with Grayson. He definitely didn’t want to be interacting with his problematic grandparents and cousins all day.

Andrew tore his gaze away from Dan, not particularly in the mood to start a fight in the middle of an airport. “Behave when they get here, I don’t need them thinking you’re still a toddler,” he grumbled out, placing his chin on the top of his hand.

“Right back at you,” Dan whispered, crossing his arms angrily.

“Dan,” his mother said in a warning voice, raising a neatly sculpted eyebrow at him.

He avoided her gaze, looking down at his lap instead. “Yeah, whatever,” he murmured. He uncrossed his arms and reached into the pocket of his hoodie to grab his phone.

He had quite a few unread messages, as he’d been ignoring just about everyone since the day Phil came over. Most of them were from PJ, but there was one that had caught his eye. It was from Chris, an apology text from what had happened before, and him asking if it was appropriate for him to stop by today.

Although Dan was still a bit upset at him, he did miss Chris. He was the one person he was able to tell anything and it sucked not having that comfort the past few days. Chris was the only person, besides his therapist, that he trusted with what had happened with Phil, and Dan knew telling him would probably relieve some of the guilt. There was a chance it wouldn’t end well, but at this point, drama with Chris was mild for Dan.

Dan cleared his throat softly. “Chris wants to know if he can stop by later today,” Dan mumbled. He glanced over at his mum, who had an eyebrow raised at him.

“We have family arriving in less than twenty minutes, Dan,” she replied.

“It’s Chris, mum, he practically is my family,” Dan said, immediately getting defensive.

“It’s Christmas, Daniel. You spend Christmas with your actual family, not your friends,” his dad said rudely.

Dan scoffed at that, rolling his eyes. “Since when do you care who I spend Christmas with? I’ve spent it with Grayson the past three years! You don’t even like Christmas! We haven’t had a ‘family Christmas’ since I was thirteen!” Dan shot back, exasperated. 

“Do not-“ his father started, but Mary cut him off.

“Tell him we’ll be home in about an hour,” she said quietly, her eyes darting everywhere but Dan. “He can’t stay too long, though,” she added, seeing Andrew’s irritated expression.

Dan nodded once, sending Chris a short affirmative text in reply. “I have to use the loo, I’ll be back in a bit,” he whispered, slipping his phone in his pocket and standing up, brushing off the front of his jeans.

He made his way through the waiting room and into the restrooms that were just off to the side. He pushed open the light brown door and headed straight into one of the furthest stalls, locking the door and sitting down on the toilet seat.

Dan shoved his hands through his fringe, ruffling it into a quiff. He rested his face in his palms, sighing heavily.

He sat there for a good five minutes when the door banged open and two hushed voices sounded through the mostly empty restroom. 

“Sh, there might be someone in here,” one of the voices giggled. “Check under the stalls,” he added.

Dan’s head shot up quickly, and he hurriedly lifted his feet up so they couldn’t be seen from the space below the stall door. He couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable it’d be if whoever was out there found him in there.

There was a few moments of silence while the other boy looked under all of the stalls. When he got to Dan’s, Dan held his breath, trying to be as quiet as possible. The person on the other side walked past quickly, not suspecting a thing.

“I think we’re good, Adrian,” the boy said, his voice taking on a flirtatious tone. 

“Well, c’mon! My mum’s gonna wonder what’s taking us so long,” he replied. There was a slam of one of the stall doors at the back of the bathroom, accompanied by more hushed giggles.

Dan’s whole face heated up when he heard the kissing noises start, and he was basically on fire when one of the boys let out a moan.

Not only was Dan embarrassed, but he was also feeling a bit upset. He had loved it when him and Grayson did things like that, it gave him a sense of adrenaline that nothing else could. It was one of the things he knew he’d grow to miss, and in that moment he was hyper aware of that fact.

Dan gazed down at the tile, suddenly finding it very interesting. He sniffed a bit, figuring the two boys were too busy to notice. And he was right, as the slightly obscene noises did not stop.

\---

Last Christmas, Dan had been at Grayson’s house with Gray’s immediate family and then some. They’d had to share Grayson’s room with two of his male cousins, making it slightly hard for them to spend any ‘alone time’ together. So, as the smart teenage boy’s they were, they had made their way into Grayson’s small hall closet, pressed between multiple coats and the occasional umbrella.

They'd both been sisxteen at the time, and had been given clear rules many times about how they were not allowed to be super touchy, as they were both young and shouldn’t even be thinking about that kind of stuff.

Of course, with Grayson and his very practiced manipulation skills, he had convinced Dan that it was indeed okay to do these things because they loved each other and would end up marrying one another anyways. That’s probably the reason Dan had lost his virginity at fifteen, but he didn’t like thinking about that, knowing now that he definitely was not ready.

Grayson had told Dan that no one would hear them or catch them in the tightly closed room, which had been enough for him since he was a sixteen year old boy who could not control himself in the slightest. Soon enough, they were making out literally a door away from Grayson’s family.

Dan had forgotten about everything and everyone, because he was so consumed in the other boy. They were in there for a good twenty minutes before they figured they should stop before someone came looking, but Dan wasn’t even worried afterwards. He felt as if he could do anything because what’d they’d done was so against the rules for them, and the thought of being caught at any time was rejuvenating.

After that they made a habit of sneaking off during dinner at fancy restaurants, family gatherings, or during classes they didn’t have together to have a quick makeout session. They’d, surprisingly, never been caught, and that made it so much better.

\---

Dan had forgotten he was meant to be being quiet, so when he let out a loud sob and the moans filling the room stopped, he blushed even more than he already had been.

“Fuck,” he whispered, shooting off the seat and out of the stall. The two boys hadn’t bothered to close the stall they’d been in, so with Dan’s luck, he made very awkward contact with the two through the mirror. He yelped out a small ‘sorry’ before practically sprinting out of the bathroom.

He made it back to where his parents were, but they had been joined by his family as well. His aunt and uncle, his two cousins, and his grandparents immediately turned towards him when they heard his footsteps.

He plastered on a smile, although it probably wasn’t too believable considering how glossy and red his eyes had to be. He inserted himself between his mum and the wall she was standing by, inching as far away from the group of people as he could.

His Aunt Clara was the first person to greet him, giving him a wide, genuine smile. “Hello dear, it’s been far too long!” she exclaimed, stepping towards the tense boy.

Dan crossed his arms across his chest nervously when he saw the woman going in for a hug. She quickly noticed though, and simply patted him on the shoulder. 

“It’s good to see you as well, Aunt Clara,” Dan murmured, flashing another stiff smile. He shuffled anxiously, shifting his weight between his feet. Most of his family had cast their attention at him now, and he was tempted to scream and run back into the bathroom.

Maisy, his seven year old cousin, ran over to him and hugged his waist, smiling brightly up at him. “Danny! I missed you so much!” she practically yelled.

He smiled in return and gently patted her head, ruffling her curly hair a bit.

Now, Dan had always been fond of his cousin. In fact, she was one of the only little kids that didn’t give him major anxiety issues, but that quickly changed with the little girls next comment that no one was expecting.

She paused, glancing up at him with a confused look on her face. “Danny, did you get punched in the neck?” she asked innocently.

Had he not been surrounded by his family, Dan would have laughed very hard at the younger girl's innocence. But now his entire family was staring at the multiple marks on his neck that still hadn't faded, and he felt the panic start to set in.

“Maisy!” Dan’s Aunt Clara shouted disapprovingly. She called the little girl over to her side, giving her a stern glare. Clara looked over at Dan apologetically, but he didn’t catch her eyes.

He was focused on all of the mildly disgusted looks coming from his uncle, father, and grandparents, and the harsh smirk coming from his other cousin, Abel. Dan shrunk into himself, hitting the wall behind him. He slotted himself further behind his mother and tried to will the oncoming tears away.

“We need to get our rental car,” Clara said, drawing everyone's attention away from Dan. “It’d be best to just get back to Mary and Andrew’s as soon as possible, yeah? I’m sure all of us are pretty exhausted from the early flight,” she added.

Dan’s mum jumped in then. “Yes, and we really need to be getting back soon anyways. Daniel has a friend coming over in about an hour, and I’m sure Maisy can’t wait to open the presents we got her,” Mary said, smiling thankfully at Clara.

The little girl began jumping up and down excitedly. “Did you really get me a present, Auntie Mary?” she squealed.

The topic switched to presents as Maisy animatedly pulled on everyone's jumper (besides Dan’s) to rush them out.

While Maisy and the adults headed towards the exit, Abel, who was the same age as Dan, shoved passed the still cowering boy and scoffed. “Is the mate you have coming over the same one who gave you those hickies? Or was it the one who cheated on you?” He gave Dan another bitter smirk before he walked away, following the rest of the group with a confident strut.

Dan hadn’t even known how Abel knew about the Grayson incident, but he decided that it didn’t really matter as the tears ran down his face and his hands shook harshly.

Christmas had never been Dan’s favorite holiday, and he didn’t see that changing in the future.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is going to take me literally 9 years, as i see no ending in the near future. gotta love those slow burns!!!!
> 
> edit: man i realized i funked up and the ages are totally off so i've fixed that and to clear it up Dan is 17 and Grayson is too yikes ugh grayson is older than dan but like okay im so confusing im very sorry im a mess


	14. Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is Long^tm to make up for all of the previous short chapters. hope you enjoy!!
> 
> also hi perscribed medication and things and stuff play a huge part in part of this chapter so if that makes ya uncomfortable,,,,

Dan and Abel had always gotten along when they were little. Being the same age, they’d always gravitate towards one another during family gatherings, seeking comfort in one another when all of the girls would gang up on the two of them. They were practically the best of friends when they saw each other, but as they grew older, Abel grew more disrespectful and Dan grew more sheltered. They drifted apart, soon getting in arguments and developing hatred for one another every time they met.

Abel was always a bit blunt with Dan, not really caring what he said and if it offended him. He often craved making Dan upset, as he found it humorous when Dan would begin crying and shaking, thinking maybe he was just over dramatic. He didn’t know about Dan’s panic disorder, as it had been a topic Dan didn’t wish to be talked about among family.

None of the adults were aware of what went on between the two though, as that would result in a world of trouble. Dan had tried to tell his mum a few years ago, but Abel had threatened him out of it with the promise of him waking up without hair the next morning.

Needless to say, Dan never risked it.

\---

When all of them had arrived back at Dan’s house, they quickly made their way inside, seeking warmth.

Dan had taken one step up the stairs after kicking off his shoes at the door when his father called out to him.

“Daniel, show Abel to your room. He will be sharing with you while they’re here,” he grunted out from down the hallway.

Dan bit his lip to stop from disagreeing, knowing it would just cause more conflict than it was worth. He slouched against the wall, waiting for his rude cousin to make his way over with his bags.

When the tall blonde entered the hallway, he smirked up at Dan mockingly. “This is going to be a blast, Danny!”

Dan rolled his eyes, turning and walking up the stairs. He made his way into his room, not even checking to see if Abel was following him.

Sadly enough, the boy shuffled his way into Dan’s room moments after, scoffing after taking a glance around. “Nice place, really bright and inviting,” he said, looking at the black walls and monochrome furniture. He threw his bags down by Dan’s desk, making himself at home and flopping down on the desk chair.

Dan looked at the other boy with an annoyed expression painted on his face. He bit his lip for a second before moving over and closing the door, turning to face Abel with his arms crossed and a steady glare on his face. “How’d you know?” he asked, his voice coming out a lot less intimidating than he would’ve liked.

Abel raised an eyebrow at Dan in confusion before realising what he was referring to. “About Grayson? I do follow people from your school, Dan. I did use to live here,” he said as if it was obvious.

Now Dan was the confused one. He tilted his head to the side slightly. “What do you mean?” he asked, involuntarily shrinking into himself.

The seemingly permanent smirk Abel had on his face started to disappear. “You- Oh my God, I totally forgot!” he exclaimed, now looking up at Dan sympathetically.

Dan huffed in annoyance. “Abel, I don’t get it!”

“You don’t have any social media, do you?” Abel replied quietly.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows, shaking his head slowly. “No,” he mumbled.

“Dan, it’s all people from your school are talking about. Some girl- Elena maybe?- told everyone about it,” he explained, standing up from the chair and grabbing his phone out of one of his bag.

“W- what?” Dan muttered, twisting his hands together nervously. He felt the familiar pressure begin to build in his chest, consuming him.

Abel nodded sadly, tapping on a few places on his phone before walking over to him and showing him the screen. He had pulled up a thread of tweets from a day or two ago.

“This first one is from- oh! Ellie! That’s her name! Anyways, she said ‘can’t believe grayson would cheat on dan like that’ -with this weird slash colon face- and ‘i mean, the kid is obviously a mental mess, he has panic attacks like daily’. It was one hundred and ten favorites and forty seven retweets,” Abel said, glancing down at Dan as he read the two tweets.

“Is that all of them? P- Please tell me that’s all of them,” Dan whispered, looking up at Abel pleadingly.

Abel shook his head no, breaking eye contact with the shorter boy. He handed Dan the phone. “Scroll down.”

Dan hesitantly grasped the phone, having a hard time steadying it with his shaking hands. He scrolled down the page with his thumb, his eyes darting up and down as he read through the gossip filled text.

There were a handful of tweets agreeing with what Ellie had said, saying how fucked up Grayson was, but there were a few tweets disagreeing, saying how problematic and attention seeking Dan was, and how he probably deserved it anyways. 

Dan shoved the phone back at Abel and went over to his bed, sitting down and hiding his face in the palms of his hands. “How could they say that?” he choked out, the words muffled by his hands. His fingers laced between his curls, gripping the hair tightly.

Abel looked at Dan curiously. Dan’s whole body was shaking harshly, and the skin Abel could see that wasn’t covered by Dan’s oversized jumper was very pale and splotchy.

“Dan, are you alright?” Abel asked unsurely. He’d seen Dan breakdown multiple times, but it’d always been over something rather stupid. It wasn’t ever serious in Abel’s mind.

Dan didn’t reply. His knuckles were turning white as his grip on his hair tightened, and there were visible tears leaking out from under his palms. Heavy sobs silently wracked his body as well.

“Dan? Dan, what’s wrong?” Abel said, rushing over to his side. He put his hand on Dan’s shoulder, causing the shorter boy to flinch away. “No,” he murmured, almost inaudibly. 

There was a knock at the door then, followed by Chris opening the door slowly. “Dan? Can I-” he started, but cut himself off when he saw the scene before him. His face immediately contorted into one of anger. 

“Abel, what the fuck did you do to him?” Chris exclaimed, rushing over and shoving the blonde teenager out of the way. Chris sat down on the bed next to Dan, grabbing his wrists and gently pulling them away from his face, despite Dan’s resistance.

Chris knew Dan didn’t particularly like to be touched during one of his attacks (if that was what was even happening), but he generally wouldn’t listen to anyone if he couldn’t directly see them or feel them, even for a second. It was something Chris came to learn awhile back, and even though it was kind of a hard thing to push through, he knew it had to be done.

“Dan? Look at me, Dan,” Chris whispered to the younger boy, releasing his grip on one of Dan’s wrists and tilting his chin up with his finger.

Dan hesitantly peeled his eyes open, meeting Chris’s comforting green ones. His lower lip was sucked into his mouth and his eyebrows were drawn together as his bloodshot eyes glanced back and forth between Chris’s. The hand Chris had released drew into a tight fist, fingernails digging themselves into the flesh of Dan’s palm.

Chris moved his hand from Dan’s wrist to his still captive hand, lacing his fingers in between Dan’s clammy ones and holding it tightly. “You’re okay Dan, you know that. You’re safe here, yeah?” Chris asked, knowing Dan needed to feel in control and asking rather than stating would allow that.

Dan glanced around him, not being able to see too much because of the close proximity of Chris. He caught sight of the open door and Abel, who was sitting on the floor a few feet away looking extremely confused. In the sane part of his mind, Dan knew he wasn’t comfortable with the door open, as his family could walk by any moment, and he sure as Hell wasn’t comfortable with Abel in there either. He made shaky eye contact with Chris again, shaking his head no timidly. He didn’t feel safe.

Chris frowned slightly before turning his head to Abel, placing another angry look on his face. “You mind stepping out for a moment, mate?”

Abel’s dark brown eyes widened before shaking his head, standing up and rushing out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

Chris turned back to Dan, giving him a comforting smile. “Safe now?” he whispered, his voice ten times more gentle now that Abel was gone.

Dan, whose upper body was completely tensed up just moments before, relaxed significantly as he nodded his head. His clenched fist loosened as well, and he grabbed onto the front of Chris’s festive Christmas jumper. He weakly pulled Chris towards him, silently asking for a hug.

The older teen unlaced their hands and wrapped his arms around Dan, who nuzzled his head into Chris’s shoulder. Chris started rubbing circles into Dan’s back with one of his hands, lacing the other into Dan’s tangled curls. He rested his head on top of Dan’s.

“I’m so sorry for being a prick the other day, Dan. You didn’t deserve that and I should’ve known better,” Chris mumbled.

Dan shook his head, snuggling his head further into Chris’s shoulder. “Sh,” he whispered, not in the mood to talk about that day. “I’ve missed you s- so much,” Dan added, his voice breaking.

Chris pulled back from the hug, rubbing Dan’s arms gently. “I’ve missed you too, kiddo,” he replied, lifting a hand up to shove Dan’s messy locks out of his eyes.

There was a contemplative look on Dan’s face for half a second, before he bit his lip roughly. “They put me on Xanax, Chris,” he muttered, not making eye contact with the elder boy. “Rhys said if I took my meds everyday for a week, he’d consider lessening the dosage. But here I am, on fucking Xanax. And, like, it makes me feel even more broken than I used too, because my other medication wasn’t as strong as this is, and it didn’t make me feel as numb, and I’ve only taken the Xanax twice, but I hate it so fucking much!” Dan exclaimed, his fists clenching again, one stretching the fabric of Chris’s jumper.

Chris sighed, glancing over at the boy sympathetically. “I’m assuming you didn’t take it today?” He was taken aback by Dan’s quick change in moods, and he was guessing it was from the lack of medication.

“I didn’t want to be high on Christmas, so no. Although, that probably would’ve been better than having a fucking panic attack,” he spat out. “I should’ve known it wouldn’t end well. Whenever Abel’s here, things never end well. He’s such a fucking dick,” Dan added, gritting his teeth.

Chris pried Dan’s hand off of his jumper, taking it and holding it delicately, along with the other one. “Do you want to talk about it or not?”

Dan took his hands back, motioning for Chris to scoot further up the bed so they rested against the headboard. Dan dragged his legs up to his chest and slumped against Chris’s side, his head resting on the other boy’s shoulder. He sighed, rubbing at his eyes that were still slightly damp with unshed tears. “You probably already know, actually,” he uttered.

Chris looked down at Dan questioningly. “What d’you mean Danny?”

Dan shut his eyes, letting out another heavy sigh. “It’s all over social media- what happened with me and Grayson. Abel showed me all of the mean tweets. Everyone hates me, Chris,” Dan whispered, his mood once again taking a rapid turn.

Hitting his head against the headboard, Chris swore quietly. “Why would he show you that shit? They’re all twats, Dan. Don’t listen to them, yeah? You’re one of the kindest people I know, and they’re just assuming shit because they don’t understand your disorder. They’re all pompous arseholes who don’t want anything but drama.”

“They called me attention seeking, Chris. The last thing I ever want is attention! I hate it so much!” Dan hissed, opening his eyes and lifting his head to make eye contact with Chris.

“I know, Dan,” Chris replied. He stretched his legs out, motioning for Dan to crawl in his lap.

Dan moved so he was planted firmly in Chris’s lap with his legs curled up to his chest. Chris wrapped both arms around Dan, resting his head on Dan’s for the second time that day.

\---

The two boys sat in that position for about twenty minutes, Dan dozing off at some point. Chris had his head laid back on the headboard, almost asleep himself, when a knock sounded at the bedroom door.

His eyes peeled open and he glanced down at the innocent looking boy he was holding. Dan hadn’t stirred, and seemed perfectly content where he was. If it weren’t for the splotches that covered his skin and the red rings around his eyes, anyone would assume all was fine in the teens mind.

“Come in,” Chris said, loud enough for whoever was on the other end of the door to hear, but still quiet for Dan’s sake.

Dan’s mum walked in, smiling sadly when she caught sight of her son. “We’re opening presents in about ten minutes, but I’ll tell them you two are asleep. How long are you staying?” Mary asked, glancing up at the clock above Dan’s television that read ten AM.

“Not too long, probably for two more hours at most, if that’s alright with you all,” Chris said, smiling kindly up at Mary.

Mary glanced between the two boys, nodding her head. “That’s perfectly fine. Have him come down when he wakes up, alright? And have him take his medication if you can, he listens to you.”

Chris grimaced, thinking back to the conversation him and Dan had only half an hour ago. “I can try, but he won’t be very happy with me,” Chris murmured, gazing down at the boy cuddled in his lap, completely knocked out. He looked so innocent considering.

Mary pursed her lips, but nodded anyways. “Thank you, Chris. I’m glad you’re here for him,” she whispered, turning and leaving the room, closing the door shut tightly behind her.

\---

Dan woke up half an hour later, his bleary eyes looking around the room in confusion. He was now laying down fully on his bed with the covers thrown over him, no longer in Chris’s comforting embrace. He sat up shakily, rubbing at his eyes gently.

“About time you woke up, your family is eagerly awaiting your presence downstairs. Seems they’ve started opening presents without you,” Chris said from where he sat in Dan’s desk chair, shooting the weary boy a smile.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” Dan grumbled out tiredly. “What time is it?” he asked, squinting his eyes at the clock, not quite able to see clearly yet.

“Around half ten, give or take a few minutes. You’ve been asleep for a little less than an hour,” Chris replied, closing the book he’d found on Dan’s desk that had been occupying his attention for a good fifteen minutes.

“I feel like shit,” Dan said, throwing the covers off of his legs and swinging his legs off the side of the bed. “How rude of you, you didn’t have the courtesy to rid me of my jeans? I’m sweating my tits off, Chris,” he added, standing up and grabbing a pair of sweatpants out of his drawer, along with a light tee-shirt.

“Hey kid, you’re the one who enjoys wearing those skinny death-traps. I probably would have woken you up trying to get you out of those things,” Chris retorted as Dan struggled to get out of his jeans and into his sweatpants.

Dan rolled his eyes dramatically, not thinking as he pulled his jumper off and threw it on his bed. He was about to slip on the black tee-shirt when he caught Chris’s confused gaze trained on his chest.

Dan let out an embarrassed cough, rushing to pull the cotton fabric over his head. He had momentarily forgotten about the marks that still hadn’t really faded over the past few days. He mentally cursed Phil in his head for the millionth time that week.

Dan slumped back down on his bed, avoiding Chris’s gaze as much as he could. He felt his cheeks and neck burning, and it was a guarantee both bright red at this point.

“You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, because I’m aware of how it feels to be placed in that type of situation, but know that I won’t judge you if you need someone to talk to,” Chris said, giving Dan a reassuring smile when he timidly looked up at Chris.

“Later? I want to tell you, just- later?” Dan whispered, reaching beside him and clutching his jumper.

Chris nodded, standing up and brushing off his maroon jeans. “That’s perfectly okay. Now, we should probably go down before Abel comes searching for us or something.”

Dan bit his lip and let out a quiet sigh. He let his gaze slip to the jumper beside him, figuring it was best if he just put it back on to avoid more judgemental looks from his family. After slipping back on the warm sweater, he stood up and walked over to Chris.

The taller boy gave Dan a comforting smile, patting his shoulder. “Um, also, I think you should take your medication. You’re really stressy right now, and I know how horrible your family can be, and I think it’s best if you’re a little calmer right now, you know?” Chris said hesitantly. “I know you don’t like it, but right now it’d probably help, yeah?”

Dan frowned, but surprisingly nodded at Chris’s words. “You’re right, I just wish I wouldn’t feel so numb,” Dan mumbled, pushing past Chris and opening his door, making his way into the bathroom across the hall. He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the horrid orange bottle, taking out the other half of a pill from the previous day before putting it back in the bottle and grabbing a full pill.

Chris was stood at the doorway, leaning against the doorframe watching Dan. When the short brunette turned to him, Chris raised an eyebrow in question.

“Can you, like, not watch me? I’ll take it, I promise, I just- I don’t like it when people watch because it’s kind of a personal thing, and when people see it I feel weak, and-” Dan began, rambling and making loads of hand motions.

“All you had to do was ask, I respect you and trust you,” Chris replied, cutting Dan off. He turned to face the other way, waiting patiently as he heard Dan fill up a small paper cup with water and take the pill.

Dan tossed the cup in the bin, shutting off the light and joining Chris. “Thanks,” he muttered, giving the older boy a tight smile. 

“Of course,” Chris said, returning the smile. He put his hand on Dan’s shoulder and they made their way downstairs, joining Dan’s family in the lounge.

\---

Dan had gotten a total of two presents, one from his mum and one from his Aunt Clara. His mum had gotten him a small stuffed bear, similar to the larger one he’d had since he was born. His Aunt Clara had gotten him a festive Christmas jumper, explaining how she knew he didn’t have any, and they were nice things to own. It was black with little aliens that had santa hats on, and needless to say, it made him smile quite big. He immediately ran upstairs to change, although avoiding looking into his mirror as he slipped the soft jumper on.

The Xanax had kicked in rather quickly, meaning Dan was slightly out of it as he conversed with his family, therefore missing all of the strange looks he was being sent for the way he was acting. His Aunt was the only person besides his parents and Chris that knew about his panic disorder, so the others had no idea what was going on.

Had Dan been all there, he probably would’ve noticed the thankful glances his mum sent Chris’s way, but he was all too busy playing with said boy’s fingers. He was feeling pretty drowsy and loopy, but above all completely numb. He wouldn’t be able to have an argument if he even tried.

“Dan,” Chris whispered into the boy’s ear once everybody was focused on something else. “I need to tell you something, and I need you to not get mad at me.”

Dan, who had his head leaning on Chris’s shoulder and legs curled up beside him, simply mumbled out a quiet “Hm?” He continued to play with Chris’s fingers, his unfocused eyes concentrating on the digits as well as they could.

“I came over because Phil said he wanted to stop by, and he said you were really angry at him but he really needed to see you. He wouldn’t tell me why, but I can kind of guess by the hickies on your upper body. He just sounded really desperate and I felt like I really needed to help him because you guys got on so well and he helps you when I can’t,” Chris murmured out guiltily.

Dan drew his eyebrows together in confusion, halting his finger and dropping Chris’s hand. He knew he should be mad at something, but his mind couldn’t figure out what exactly. “Phil’s coming over?” Dan asked, his words slurred slightly.

“Yes, and I really think you should hear what he has to say,” Chris replied. 

“I know I should be upset over something, but I don’t know what,” Dan hummed. “I’m not mad at Phil,” he added, coming to a slight realization. “I’m mad at myself I think.”

“So you’re okay with seeing Phil?” Chris asked, glancing down at Dan.

Dan shrugged, biting his lip. “I miss him.” He grabbed Chris’s hand again and continued playing with his fingers.

“He misses you as well,” Chris said, using his free hand to sweep the curls off of Dan’s forehead. “I haven’t told you, but I like your haircut.”

Dan smiled shyly. “Thank you, Chris,” he slurred. “I’m kind of tired, though. Can I take a nap maybe?” He asked, yawning right after.

“Maybe you should wait until after Phil gets here,” Chris replied. “Wouldn’t want you to be passed out once he arrives, would we? You’re quite a heavy sleeper.”

Dan giggled, nodding against Chris’s shoulder. “Yeah. I sleep too much anyways.”

Chris pressed a kiss to the side of Dan’s head. “That’s alright, it makes you feel better,” he mumbled against Dan’s hair.

Dan was silent for a few moments, seemingly one hundred percent concentrated on Chris’s fingers before he spoke up again. “Phil makes me feel better, too.”

\---

It was eleven fifteen when a knock at the front door caught everyone's attention. Dan’s grandma gave Mary a confused look, raising an eyebrow at the middle aged woman who was just as confused.

“Are you expecting someone, Mary?” she asked, her tone bitter and judgemental. The two had never gotten on well.

Mary shook her head unsurely, looking over to where Dan sat on the couch with Chris, still playing with the elder boy’s fingers. He hadn’t looked up when the knock sounded through the room, but Chris was suddenly paying attention to the surrounding conversation.

“Are you, Dan?” she asked gently.

Dan lazily looked up at his mum, scrunching his eyebrows up in confusion. “Hm?” he murmured, flicking his eyes back and forth between her and Chris’s hand.

Chris took his hand from Dan and stood up, turning towards Mary hesitantly. “I actually believe that’s Phil, I know he was wanting to stop by to give Dan a Christmas present, and he was in the neighborhood,” Chris said, smiling charmingly at Mary.

Mary’s hazel eyes widened almost comically. “Oh! Well we better let him in so he’s not out there in the cold, I suppose,” she exclaimed. 

Mary had met Phil once when she had come home early from work, finding the two in Dan’s bedroom asleep. She found it quite odd to see her son snuggled up to someone that wasn’t Grayson, but acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary when the two made their way down the stairs an hour after. She had a quick conversation that consisted of awkward introductions, but was rather happy to find out her son had made a new friend that seemed genuine and kind.

Chris nodded at her and made his way towards the door, unlocking the large door and pulling it open. Phil stood on the mat with his head down and a large gift bag gripped in his hands. He looked up when the door opened, smiling timidly at Chris when he saw the semi-comforting face.

“You must be freezing, come on in kid,” Chris said, returning the smile reassuringly. 

Phil stepped past Chris into the warm room, glancing around at the group of people who now were focused on something the little girl was animatedly explaining. He caught sight of Dan laying on the couch, his focused completely trained on the bear he held in his hands. He smiled softly at the sight, although confused as to why the smaller boy hadn’t taken notice of him yet.

Chris shut the door smoothly, turning to stand next to Phil. He put a hand on the taller boys shoulder, directing him to the opposite side of the room that was close to the stairs. 

Mary grinned at Phil, greeting him with a bright ‘hello’. “I assume you boys are heading upstairs, yes?” She said, walking over to where Chris and Phil resided.

“Yeah, I think Dan probably needs a nap. He’s pretty out of it,” Chris replied, gesturing to said boy.

Mary nodded in agreement, a sad expression flashing on her face when she looked towards Dan. “That’d most likely be best. We’ll be eating in about fifteen minutes, if you want to join us. If not, I’m sure there will be leftovers,” she said kindly, beaming at the two teens.

“Thank you, Mrs. Howell. I’m sorry for intruding, by the way. I probably should have called beforehand,” Phil cut in.

“Oh nonsense, you both are welcome anytime! Dan needs friends like you all.” Mary’s voice grew regretful, and she shook her head lightly. “Anyways, it’s good to see you Phil. Make sure Dan gets up the stairs alright, he’s usually pretty clumsy without his medication, I can’t imagine how he is with it,” she said teasingly, letting out a small chuckle.

The two boys glanced at one another uncomfortably, wincing at the woman’s words. “Of course, Mary,” Chris said. 

“Aunt Mary! Come see what mummy made for me!” A delicate voice yelled. Maisy was jumping up and down on the other side of the room, holding up a light green piece of paper.

Mary sent a final smile at the two boys before heading over, immersing herself in her adorable niece.

Phil gave Chris a questioning look, gesturing over to Dan.

Chris chuckled lightly, shaking his head. “Xanax. He’s been loopy for about an hour,” he explained.

“I’m assuming that’s why he hasn’t attacked me, yeah?” Phil asked, biting his lip.

Chris nodded in response, sighing lightly. “I’ll grab him, just make your way up,” Chris said. Phil nodded in return and started trekking up the stairs.

Chris walked over to the front of the couch and reached his hand out to grab Dan’s. The younger boy looked up at Chris, smiling drowsily at him. 

“Where are we going, Chris?” Dan asked, holding the bear he had been examining in one of his hands, grabbing Chris’s with the other. Chris pulled him up, wrapping an arm around him as he stood.

“Upstairs to your room. Phil’s here, remember?” Chris said, directing Dan up the stairs carefully.

Dan was watching his feet as they padded on the wooden steps, his grip on his bear tightening the higher they got. “Phil’s here? Since when?” Dan asked, his voice filled with puzzlement. 

“Just a few minutes ago. You didn’t see him come in?”

Dan shook his head no, finally glancing up as they reached the top of the stairs. He brought his bear up to his chest as they made their way into Dan’s room.

Chris made sure to close the door tightly behind them, making quick eye contact with Phil, who was sat in a bean bag by Dan’s closet. The gift bag was settled right beside him, and his fingers kept grazing over it.

Dan looked over to Phil, a small smile making its way onto his face. “Phil, you are here,” he said happily, slowly walking over to the raven-haired boy. 

Obviously surprised at the positive reaction to his presence, Phil clumsily stood up, almost tripping over his own feet. “O- of course I’m here, it’s Christmas,” he stuttered.

Dan caught sight of the golden gift bag behind Phil, suddenly frowning. “I didn’t get you anything,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” His lower lip stuck out in a pout.

Phil cautiously moved closer to the shorter boy. “That’s alright,” Phil said, smiling assuringly at him.

Dan nodded in agreement, not quite knowing how he would argue with Phil. He really just wanted a hug, so he placed his bear on his bed and opened his arms up, walking towards Phil and closing the distance between them.

Phil let out a breath of relief before engulfing Dan in his arms, resting his chin on top of Dan’s head. He let out a tiny gasp of surprise when Dan gripped the back of his jumper tightly and snuggled his face into his chest.

“Dan, I’m really sorry for-” Phil started, but he was cut off.

“I’m really tired, Phil. Do you think it’d be alright for us to take a nap?” Dan asked softly, pulling back and looking up at Phil. 

“I- uh-” Phil stumbled, looking over at Chris who had placed himself in the desk chair. Chris simply shrugged and picked up the book he was reading earlier. “Sure?” he said questioningly.

Dan smiled tiredly at him, pulling at his sleeve. “Can I open my present first, though?” Dan sounded so innocent as the words left his mouth, and it brought a smile to both of the other boy’s faces. 

Phil giggled, leaning down to pick up the gift bag. “Of course,” he replied, handing the glittery bag over to Dan. 

Dan pulled Phil over to his bed, plopping down on the soft mattress. He waited until Phil had taken the spot next to him before releasing his sleeve and placing the bag on his lap. He pulled out the black tissue paper, throwing it on the floor messily. Reaching inside, he pulled out a large lion plushie, a huge grin taking over his face.

“It reminds me of you,” Dan said, looking up at Phil. “I love it!” he exclaimed, tossing the bag to the floor with the remaining tissue paper and squeezing the soft plushie to his chest.

Phil beamed at the sight. “I’m glad you like it,” he said softly.

“It can make me feel okay when you aren’t here,” he mumbled quietly. “Nap now?” he asked quickly, scooting up his bed and laying down with the stuffed animal still clutched in his grasp. He reached his hand out to Phil, grabbing his sleeve again and pulling him over.

Phil quickly kicked off his shoes before crawling over by Dan. He layed down with a few inches between the two, not wanting to intrude too much, but Dan huffed in annoyance.

Sleep was already clouding the younger boy’s eyes, but he was persistent as ever. “You know I sleep better when I’m being held. Stop being silly,” he slurred, grabbing Phil’s arm and wrapping it around his own waist. 

Phil hesitantly situated himself so he was spooning the other boy, intertwining their legs like they had done in the past when they took naps together. “Better?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded, snuggling back into Phil. He had the lion plushie clutched against his chest as well. “You make me feel safe,” Dan hummed. He closed his eyes, sighing contentedly. 

“I’m glad,” Phil murmured, not quite loud enough for the brunette to hear. He closed his eyes, feeling a sudden wave of exhaustion take over. He gripped Dan’s side a bit firmer, rubbing circles subconsciously. 

There was an almost silent chuckle from the other side of the room as Chris shut the light off, gathering his bag and exiting the room. He took one last glance back before shutting the door, a soft smile painting itself on his face at the sight.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are appreciated (^;


	15. Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a warning for continuation of prescription drugs and also them being used for bad things and not the right way!!
> 
> i also wanna mention that this is indeed an AU and also fiction obviously, so i am changin some things and the medical shish isn't accurate and bLAHH BLAJBFHD
> 
> also this turned out a lot more dark and revealing than i thought it would be so #yikesss
> 
> this isn't really edited and i'll probably go back and edit it sometime soon, but it's currently like 11:30 at night so.
> 
> ps theres been a hell of a lot of dan sleeping in the past chapters and this one but what're you gonna do you know????

Dan knew waking up with Phil was a completely different feeling than waking up with Grayson was. In certain ways, it was more relaxing. Phil had a softer hold on Dan, and his fingertips were pressed comfortingly into Dan’s waist, unlike Grayson's now seemingly possessive grip on his side. But it was also still mildly foreign, and sometimes surprising.

Had Dan not been close to the peak of the Xanax effect, it was likely he would’ve freaked out when he woke up three hours later. Instead, he blearily opened his eyes and glanced down at the arm that was wrapped around his waist, and the pale hand that was resting on his tummy. Dan let go of the lion plushie he was still clutching to his chest and grabbed Phil’s hand instead.

He twisted so he was lying on his back instead of his side, and then brought Phil’s hand up in front of his face. He knew the other boy was a heavy sleeper, so he wasn't really concerned about waking him up.

Phil’s fingers contrasted to that of Chris’s and even Grayson’s. They were long and elegant, the pale color making them seem even more graceful. His left hand had calluses on the fingertips, something Dan really hadn’t noticed, and would probably forget about considering he was definitely not thinking normally.

Dan laced his own fingers through Phil’s, admiring how aesthetically pleasing the contrast between their skin tones was. His haze clouded eyes had a hard time focusing, making the difference that much more incredible.

He let their now intertwined hands fall to his chest, a weirdly comforting thump sound filling the room. Dan glanced over to Phil, who was still breathing steadily with the most peaceful look on his face. A lazy smile found its way onto Dan’s face as he thought about how wonderful Phil was to him. It seemed as any previously negative thoughts he’d been harboring for the past few days had washed away that day, leaving Dan’s mind clear and refreshed. 

Soon enough, sleep pressed down on Dan’s eyelids as the thoughts of Phil relaxed and soothed him even more than the Xanax was. He cuddled back into Phil’s side, resting his head on the older boy’s chest, letting his steady heartbeats lull him back to sleep.

\---

When Dan woke up again an hour later, it was because Phil was shaking him awake gently while whispering comforting words in his ear. He cracked open his eyes, which were still quite unfocused and bleary.

“Hey,” Phil whispered, smiling down at Dan. “Your mum wanted me to wake you up so you could eat. I have to get going in a bit.”

Dan nodded sleepily. “Thank you for napping with me,” he grumbled, smiling sluggishly. “You’re quite warm.”

Phil giggled, shaking his head. “Anytime, you know that,” he said quietly. Phil broke eye contact quickly, a worried look taking over his face. “I do- uh- want to stop by again before school starts up, though. I still need to talk to you about something.”

The younger boy furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “You are talking,” he mumbled.

“Yeah- but- you know what? Never mind that. I will come over in a few days though, alright?” Phil said, not wanting to explain anything to Dan while he was still a bit fuzzed. 

Dan giggled cutely, nodding his head. “We can take more naps together, yeah?” he slurred hopefully.

Phil sighed, but nodded anyways. “Something like that.”

\---

Phil had left about half an hour ago, and Dan was completely out of it.

He was sat at the dining table with Abel, who was instructed to watch over Dan to make sure he didn’t accidentally stab himself with a knife while cutting his food. There really shouldn’t have been much of a concern there, as Dan hadn’t even really picked at his food. He was way too drowsy to concentrate, even on such a simple task like eating.

“You alright, Dan?” Abel asked, raising his eyebrows at the other. Dan looked as if he was about to pass out right then and there.

Dan nodded, his head lulling down for a bit longer than usual. “M’sleepy,” he slurred, trying to smile weakly. He set down his fork, leaning back clumsily and almost falling.

Abel’s mum had told him about Dan’s disorder a few hours ago, as he would be sharing a room with Dan and in the off chance Dan had another surprise panic attack, Abel would understand what was happening. That being said, Abel also knew about the Xanax and why Dan was acting like a drunk college student, but it didn’t make it any less concerning. Abel had experienced people on anxiety medication, Xanax even, but it was nothing this extreme unless they were trying to get high.

Abel sighed, scooting out his chair and standing up. “We’re going to bed, okay?” he stated, raising his eyebrows at Dan.

“It’s only half four though,” Dan whined, pouting. 

“I’m aware,” Abel said, picking up Dan’s still full plate and walking towards the kitchen. He set the dish on the counter, not bothering to toss the food. He’d try to get Dan to eat it later.

When he entered the dining room again, he walked over to Dan and grabbed his thin arm. “We can go to bed for a few hours and come back out when you’re a little more aware,” he said, his voice calm and firm.

Dan stood up wobbly, almost losing his balance before Abel steadied him. “So like a nap?” Dan garbled, following Abel as he lead them upstairs. Their family was in the living room on the opposite side of the house, letting the two boys slip into the lounge and up the stairs without being noticed.

“Exactly like a nap. A long nap.”

Abel opened Dan’s bedroom door and pulled the younger boy in, closing the door and locking it after. He lead Dan to the bed across the room, sitting him down.

“I like naps,” Dan murmured, scooting back until he could lay down on the pillows. He plopped down on them, immediately curling up in a ball.

Abel rolled his eyes and sat at Dan’s desk, sighing in exasperation. “Obviously,” he mumbled, still eternally annoyed with the other boy despite the day's events. 

“You’ll wake me up later, right?” Dan asked, his eyelids weighing down quickly.

“Probably.”

“Okay,” Dan replied, blindly reaching around his bed before grabbing ahold of the lion plushie he’d left there earlier. When he had the toy pulled to his chest, he closed his eyes, letting the drugs effect wash over him again.

Abel hesitated for a moment, not really wanting to talk anymore, but deciding it was for the best. “Hey Dan, how much of that Xanax did you take?”

Dan slurred out something that sounded faintly like ‘I don’t know’. He rolled over so he was facing the wall instead of Abel, not really wanting to make an effort to show interest in the conversation.

“Whatever,” Abel huffed, rolling his eyes and grabbing his phone out of his pocket. He’d check the bottle later.

\---

Dan’s mum knocked on the door quite a bit later, making Abel lose concentration of the game he was currently playing on his phone. He sighed, locking the device and setting it on the desk. He stood up and unlocked the door, opening it and smiling sweetly at Mary.

She hesitantly returned the smile before looking around Abel. When she caught sight of her once again sleeping son, her brows furrowed in concern. “We’re eating dinner soon. How long has he been sleeping?” she whispered, looking to Abel.

The boy shrugged. “About three hours, why?”

“I’m just worried, he’s been asleep all day. He hasn’t been like this once since he started taking the Xanax,” she mumbled, gesturing for Abel to step out into the hallway.

He stepped out, closing the door quietly. “Yeah, he’s been acting pretty strange from what I can see,” he responded. “How much is he supposed to take?”

Mary sighed, leaning against the wall and bringing her hand to her head to massage her temples. “Half a pill. He’s been calm, but never this out of it.”

Abel bit his lip in contemplation. “Have you checked the bottle?”

Mary shook her head. “I didn’t want to intrude,” she mumbled, shaking her head. “He already doesn’t trust me.”

Despite how annoying he found Dan, Abel didn’t want a member of his family to make unhealthy choices. He did care for him, no matter how shit he treated him, especially since his mum told him about Dan’s panic disorder. He knew how serious that was. 

“I know you don’t want him to get upset, but it’s not safe for him to take more than he’s supposed to. What if he decides it’s okay and one day he accidentally overdoses?” Abel said, frowning slightly.

“He- he wouldn’t- Dan’s smarter than that- he wouldn’t purposefully take more medication than he needed or was instructed to,” Mary stuttered, running her hands messily through her hair. 

“But what if he did, Aunt Mary? You don’t know how stable he really is, he doesn’t talk to you!” Abel exclaimed exasperatedly. He shook his head in faint disappointment; Dan’s mum and dad were not the best bunch of people to care for a child, no matter the age.

Abel sighed heavily when Mary didn’t reply, instead choosing to train her gaze on the floor. He knew his aunt cared, but he also knew she didn’t really understand the depth of Dan’s problems. She never really had, whatever the situation was.

Even when the two were younger, and Dan would do something simple such as stubbing his toe, Mary would have absolutely no idea how to handle it. The crying child seemed to frighten and intimidate her to the point that Abel’s mum would have to step in. Mary loved Dan a lot, she just had a bit of a difficult time expressing it.

Abel decided to check the bottle himself, like he had planned earlier, so he walked over to the bathroom across the hall. He flicked the light on and opened the medicine cabinet, immediately spotting the orange bottle with the purple label. He grabbed it and took off the lid, spotting half a pill. 

“There’s half of one in here, on the top, so he couldn’t have taken more than half,” Abel said, closing the bottle and setting it back into the cabinet. He turned the light off and exited the room, walking back to Mary.

She was shaking her head again and worrying her lip in between her teeth. “No, he should have finished that pill this morning. There shouldn’t be a half left,” she rushed out, her voice wobbling slightly. “He did take a whole one,” she sighed, slouching down further on the wall.

“Aunt Mary, mum said he’s only taken it twice. He couldn’t have finished a pill this morning if he takes it once a day with halves,” Abel reasoned, confused at the entire situation. 

The woman chuckled humorously, straightening her back and pushing off the wall. “He threw away the first half he was supposed to take on Wednesday. His therapist told him if he took his old medication for a week straight, he would lessen it but Andrew and I said no. We said we wanted him on something stronger, because he’s a God damned mess, Abel! He got so angry when Rhys told him; he didn’t want to take it so he threw it away, but Andrew caught him. He shouldn’t have a half,” she ranted, pacing down the hall.

“Why would he take a whole one if he doesn’t like it in the first place?” she asked, confusion building higher and higher up inside of her, along with the frustration that had been present since Dan had been diagnosed all those years ago.

Not surprisingly, Mary’s voice had been growing louder and louder as she went crazy over the situation, causing Dan to wake up fuzzily and listen to the conversation from behind his door. The effects of the pill had worn off a significant amount, and Dan was, for the most part, completely aware again. Still a bit loopy, but capable of understanding a lot more than previously.

There were tears in his eyes, and although his ever present panic wasn’t that strong, he still felt it. His own mum called him a God damned mess, and sure, he knew it, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“I just wish there was something I could do to help him, but there isn’t anything to do! Whatever we try, it doesn’t matter! He just continues to panic and break down and scream and cry and sleep all day!” His mum continued to rant, seemingly losing all composure and breaking down in front of her nephew. “He doesn’t talk to me, he never tells me what’s wrong! There is no communication between anyone in this damned family,” she yelled, cursing under her breath afterwards.

Abel was shocked, he’d never seen his Aunt Mary this upset. She’d always been put together and level headed around Abel and his family. 

“Maybe you should actually try being a parent, then. You can’t expect him to tell you everything, he’s not that kind of person. Even I can tell that and I rarely see him. He’s not okay, Aunt Mary, and you can’t fix him. He needs serious help, and you and Uncle Andrew being terrible parents isn’t going to benefit him in any way,” Abel said quietly, looking at the woman in mild disgust. He knew his own mum would never say something like that about him; she respected Abel.

The woman stopped walking back and forth, instead freezing in place and staring down at the wooden floor. She didn’t dare speak, and Abel was glad. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with this.

Abel turned back towards Dan’s door, opening it to find said boy standing there with slumped posture. Dan generally had a quite innocent look to him, especially when he hadn’t straightened his hair and it was in messy ringlets atop his head. That added to the plush toy clutched to his chest and his brown eyes big and round, glistening with tears, Dan resembled that of a toddler who had gotten scolded for taking sweets out of the jar without permission. It was quite pitiful, and Abel felt a sting of sadness shoot through his chest at the sight. He figured his cousin had heard a lot of what Mary had said, which wouldn’t help the situation in the slightest.

“Oh, Dan,” Abel murmured, glancing back in the hallway to find Mary gone. He sighed, giving Dan a sympathetic smile and motioning for him to go back in the room. Abel followed, closing and locking the door once more.

“All I am to them is a burden,” Dan whispered, squeezing his lion tight to his chest and looking at the carpet. “They will never understand what I’m going through, and they will never truly care about me as their child, much less a person,” he continued, closing his eyes as the tears slipped out.

“Sometimes I wish they didn’t have me,” Dan whispered, backing up until his legs hit his bed before sinking down to the floor. He rested his chin on his knees, holding Phil’s gift tightly in his arms. “Everything would be so much easier for everyone that way,” he choked out. 

Abel was filled to the brim with concern, the personal topic making him slightly uncomfortable as him and Dan never had talks like this. “You’re wrong, Dan-”

“How, Abel? Tell me one good thing that has come out of me being here.” His eyes were still closed, and he didn’t dare open them.

Abel was silent, not having been around Dan and his family enough to have a solid answer. He guiltily looked to the side, his gaze trained as far away from Dan as it could be. 

Instead of responding with some sarcastic comment, Dan stayed silent. Obviously there were positive things that had come out of his life, he was aware of that, and when it came all the way down to it, he didn’t wish to not exist. It was simply a topic that presented itself when he was feeling terribly down; he couldn’t help it. Dan’s self-hatred was through the roof at times like this.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a while, neither boys knowing exactly what to say or how to say it, but in the end it was Dan who broke it.

“That wasn't fair of me,” he whispered, opening his eyes and looking up at his cousin. “I can’t expect you to answer that, and I know that. I just- sometimes I feel like they keep paying for treatments and therapist and medication out of pity and guilt. Like, they had this fucked up kid and they don’t really want to necessarily have a good relationship with him, but he’s so entirely screwed up mentally so they feel like they have to take care of him. So they pay for the therapy, they pay for the monthly meds, they spend all this money on someone who will never be fixed.” He paused, a frown smearing itself on his face.

“I try, you know?” he continued, voice cracking. “I try so hard to be a good son, and I can see that they’re disappointed. I get it, I mean I barely pass my exams in school, I have a total of three friends, I’m a fucking panic and anxiety driven mess, I’m gay, and I fuck up Christmas by being high for most of it!” Dan exclaimed, chuckling humorously. 

“I did that on purpose, the Xanax thing,” he whispered. “I know I’m only supposed to take half, but I also know how easily it can make you lose yourself. I know how ashamed my mum and dad are of me, and I figured if I had the excuse of being high for my panic and anxiety, I wouldn’t screw up and embarrass them in front of the family. And if I did, I’d have an excuse because I’m literally mentally ill.”

Abel finally looked at Dan, surprise obvious in his expression. “Dan, that’s not good. Do you know how easy it is to become addicted to that stuff?”

Dan nodded, breaking eye contact. “It’s not like it matters, I haven’t got much of a future ahead of me anyway,” Dan said quietly. 

“No, Dan. Addictions are not something to be taken lightly, especially drug addictions! You are worth so much more than that. I will not sit here and watch you do that to yourself, or the people who care about you!” Abel exclaimed firmly, Dan seeming to have ignited a fire in the older teen.

“Why does it matter to you in the first place?” Dan suddenly yelled. “You’ve been an absolute twat to me for a good portion of my life, and you think you actually have the right to tell me what I can and can’t do to myself? You probably don’t even care!”

Abel scoffed, narrowing his eyes at the younger boy. “You cannot tell me I don’t care after what you heard me say to your mother, Daniel. I do care, you are my family. I have always cared about you! I know God damned well that I have been a shitty person to you in the past, even today, and that will probably continue because I’m not a good person, but I still love you and I know your parents do, too! They’re shit parents, but they love you. They wouldn’t do everything they’ve done if they didn’t!” 

Abel took a deep breath, calming himself down. He shook his head at Dan, who was now crying again. “I know you’re not okay, Danny. And I know you’re hurting a Hell of a lot more than usual because of the Grayson thing, and I know you haven’t shown that to most of the people around you. I don’t blame you; getting cheated on by someone who you thought loved you unconditionally really fucking blows, but so does messing up your entire life because of the things that situation has caused you to feel,” he said, his voice and tone significantly more quiet and caring.

“You are worth every bit of life you have. You are no less of a person than I am, or your friend Chris is, or even fucking Leonardo DiCaprio is. You matter just as much as everyone else in this world, and I’ll be damned if I let myself sit back and watch you ruin yourself,” Abel finished, his voice cracking on his last words.

Dan was practically drowning in his own tears by now, Abel’s words hitting him harder than any panic attack ever had. “I’m so, so sorry,” Dan croaked out, attempting to push himself to his feet but losing balance and plopping right back down.

Abel squeezed his eyes together tightly, a few tears falling out on their own. He sunk down by Dan and pulled the other onto his lap. The sobbing boy buried his head into Abel’s ugly Christmas jumper, the lion toy settled between the pairs chests. Dan’s small hands grasped the sweater’s scratchy material tightly.

Abel held Dan while he let out every single emotion he’d been holding in for the past few months. The worry, the fear, the betrayal; everything was released in the form of salty tears and raspy sobs. Abel cried too, but far less and not as extreme as the trembling form he held in his arms.

Dan still didn’t like Christmas, that he was sure of, but any dislike he previously held for his snide older cousin passed quickly, like the holiday season each year.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello hope you enjoyed and also i have some #news wowowo!!
> 
> so i have started a new chaptered fic and it won't be up for a while because i decided to actually write a bunch of it before i post it so i can actually get on an updating schedule and stuff!
> 
> but that being said, irresistible is still my main priority. i'm actually hoping to finish it during my summer holiday because it's almost been a year since i started and i feel like i can finally get into the good plot stuff, which is more fun for me to write and hopefully more fun for you all to read! 
> 
> i'll probably post the summary for my new fic in one of the notes of the future chapters once i get that all sorted and good!
> 
> i'll keep you lot updated on that, but in the mean time i'm hoping for more frequent updates of this story. also, it's gonna get pretty darkish from here, and reminder that this is a slow burn sooooo.... this story wasn't intended to be fluffy and all nice and sweet.
> 
> anywhoRE thanks for reading and i'll chat with ya next time!!


	16. Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most sin you will ever get out of me i'm sorry this was a mess of a chapter and i probably cringed 90000000 times writing some of it 
> 
> there is a heavy kissing/sinful scene near the end(?) that may or may not (it totally does) involve ~hip movements~ and ~implied sin (or sexual content if ur not disgustingly gross and basic)~ so if that makes you uncomfortable feel free to skip it i guess
> 
> its been a while bc i needed to plan this out so thats my only excuse
> 
> enjoy?????
> 
> ps this is 5k so grab a snack or something
> 
> pps stay tuned to the end to read the summary for my chaptered fic that will be coming eventually (after irresistible or close to the end of it)

The atmosphere in the Howell’s house was very tense the few days following Christmas. Even though Dan and Abel were on better terms, that didn’t necessarily mean the rest of Dan’s family were. There was constant conflict present in the household at almost all times, and was usually between Dan and the adults in the house, excluding his Aunt Clara. It seemed as though they all had ganged up against the teen, resulting in him feeling even more on edge than usual.

Dan’s family was only staying for one more night, which was relieving. That was one more issue in his life that would be resolved, even if it was a small one. He knew he still had to face Phil the next day (hopefully when he wasn’t under the influence of his anxiety medication), and he had forgotten to tell Chris exactly what had happened between him and Phil.

And of course with school coming up, there was Grayson, but he’d deal with that problem when the time came. Dan was secretly hoping it would never come.

Currently, Dan and his family were sat in the lounge watching mindless TV, banter passing between a few of the adults, mainly the gossiping women. Maisy was sat on Dan’s lap as he braided her hair for her, chatting all about the gifts she had received from Dan’s parents and her own (and of course Dan wasn’t upset his parents had gotten her more gifts than him, because she was his younger cousin and he loved her dearly).

“And Auntie Mary got me got me a stuffed bear, Dan! Just like yours!” Maisy exclaimed, and even though Dan couldn’t see it, he knew there was a bright smile on the younger's face. There always was.

“That’s wonderful, Maisy,” Dan muttered, focusing on the french braids he was working on. 

“Yeah, and she even called me her Little Bear!” she squeaked, causing Dan to stop braiding for a moment.

Dan had to admit, that really fucking hurt. 

“What a unique nickname,” Dan said, making sure his voice was loud enough for his mum to hear over all of the sounds in the living room. He glanced over at her darkly, not surprised when she was staring down at her lap guiltily. He resumed braiding Maisy’s hair, finishing up quickly and causing the second braid to be a lot messier than the first.

He patted the little girl’s shoulder softly. “You’re all done, Little Bear,” he said, an underlying toxic tone spreading through his voice. From his peripheral vision he saw his mum look up at him, but he simply stayed facing forwards, grinning at Maisy when she turned around in his lap. 

“Thank you Danny, you’re the best,” Maisy said, hugging Dan tightly. She nuzzled her head into the nook between Dan’s head and shoulder, squeezing the older boy lovingly. “Abel never braids my hair, he says it’s too girly,” she muttered, lifting her face up and sending a glare towards her brother, who was sitting further down on the couch.

Dan chuckled when he saw the other boy blush in shame, shaking his head at his cousin. “Maisy, when you’re older you’ll realize Abel has something called ‘overpowering masculinity’, which stops him from feeling anything other than an overwhelming sense to fulfill his male duty,” Dan said, smiling when the older boy huffed.

Maisy gave Dan a confused look, but simply shrugged it off and removed herself from Dan’s lap, sitting next to him instead. She laid her head on his shoulder gently, sighing contentedly. “Dan?” she asked, her voice significantly quieter than it was a few minutes ago.

“What’s up, Maisy?” he replied, making his voice the same volume as the seven year old. He looked over at her, smiling.

“Mummy told me not to ask about it because it isn’t polite, but why were you acting all silly on Christmas? And why was Auntie Mary upset?” she asked innocently, her wide hazel eyes resembling that of a deer.

Dan bit his lip, looking away from Maisy. He knew she wasn’t dumb despite only being seven, but he also knew she wasn’t old enough to understand all of Dan’s mental problems. Hell, even Dan wasn’t old enough to understand them.

“Me and Auntie Mary were just tired, Maisy. You and your mummy get that way sometimes, when you are really exhausted and sometimes don’t always agree, right?” Dan said simply, not wanting to risk Maisy asking anymore personal questions. Even if she was only seven, he still didn’t feel comfortable sharing such private information.

Maisy nodded, pouting slightly. “I just don’t like it when Auntie Mary and you are upset with one another, because Mummy and Abel fight all the time about really silly things.”

At that, Dan glanced over at Abel and then his Aunt Clara in confusion. The two seemed to have a rather nice relationship and Dan had never heard them argue before. He frowned, but wiped the expression off of his face quickly. “I’m sure they aren’t really silly things, Maisy. Sometimes things seem silly to you that are actually quite serious to others.”

The little girl grumbled in irritation, huffing dramatically. “I don’t see how Abel sharing his friends medicine is serious. Maybe he was sick too,” Maisy whined.

Dan froze, his breath catching in his throat. He was thankful the seven year old was sensible enough to keep quiet while talking to Dan, but he was absolutely shocked at the words that had escaped her mouth. His and Abel’s conversation on Christmas had made a lot more sense then, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what Abel had done. Dan already had so much to be concerned about and even if that sounded heartless, he didn’t think he could take the burden of another serious issue (even if it had happened in the past and wasn’t as significant as most of the things ruining Dan’s life).

Dan hastily cleared his throat, smiling tightly down at his cousin before standing up. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Maise. I’m sure everything is fine,” Dan whispered to her. He turned away and coughed to get the adults attention.

His mum and Aunt looked over, smiling at him. “What’s up, Dan?” his Aunt Clara asked.

“I’m think I’m gonna head upstairs for the night and get some sleep. I promised a friend I’d meet them after we drop you lot off at the airport tomorrow, and I’m pretty exhausted,” Dan said, looking down at his feet and avoiding eye contact. Although the statement wasn’t all a lie, it wasn’t entirely the truth either. He had promised to meet Phil the next day to talk about whatever had happened between them, but that obviously wasn’t the reason he wanted to tuck in for the night.

There was a moment of silence in which Dan assumed the adults were sharing confused glances, but his mum spoke up quickly enough.

“That’s fine, Dan, but make sure you’re up on time tomorrow, okay?” Mary said.

“I’ll make sure he’s up on time, Aunt Mary,” Abel said, smiling at Dan’s mum charmingly before turning to Dan himself. “I’ll try not to make too much noise when I come up.”

Dan kept his gaze glued to the floor but nodded in reply, mumbling a quiet thanks. He turned on his heel, returning the whispered goodnights his family sent him while he made his way upstairs.

He couldn’t wait to have the house empty again.

\---

The next morning had been Hell. Not only had he been woken up at one AM when Abel decided to go to bed and not been able to fall asleep again until four, but Dan was also forcefully ejected from the comfort of his bed at six by said cousin, saying they had to leave for the airport in five minutes. That left Dan with roughly three minutes to brush his teeth and throw on a hoodie before he was rushed into the car with his parents (who were suspiciously quiet).

Needless to say he wasn’t in the best mood.

The first half of the trip went okay considering everyone was near passing out. His family had made it to their flight on time, rushed goodbyes and see you soon's passing among the small group. Everyone exchanged hugs (apart from Dan, who decided to stay as close to the wall as possible) and soon enough the three Howell’s were making their way back to their car, piling in for the semi-long drive home.

And that was also going okay, until Mary decided to turn around to face Dan and break the lasting silence that had been drowning them for the last twenty minutes.

“Your father and I have to go into work tonight and we don’t want you at the house alone. We ask that you stay with a friend tonight or have one come over,” she stated, her voice firm.

Dan peeled his eyes from the window and shot his mum a confused glance, furrowing his eyebrows together. “I’m home alone all the time, what’s so different this time?” he asked.

“We just want to make sure you’re well taken care of, Daniel,” his dad piped up from the driver's seat, casting Dan a quick look through the mirror.

Dan could tell that wasn’t the truth, and he found the request ridiculous. He wasn’t going to do much after he got home from hanging out with Phil, most likely just sit in his room and sulk like usual. “That’s bullshit, dad. I’m not twelve, I can take care of myself,” he grumbled, glaring at his parents.

“Language, Daniel,” his mum gasped, giving him a stern glare back.

Dan scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Again, I’m not twelve. And I want to know the real reason you’re forcing me to find a babysitter because frankly, you’re both quite shit at lying and I think I deserve the truth from you after the past few months,” he spat out.

Dan could sense the irritation radiating off of his parents, and he knew they wanted to yell at him. But he was right, and they couldn’t deny it for once.

Mary sighed dramatically and turned back around to face the front of the car. “We contacted Dr. Rhys after what happened on Christmas, and we came to the agreement that you shouldn’t be left unattended. We don’t need a repeat.”

That pissed Dan off. A lot.

“A repeat of what mum? Me taking my medication? I thought that’s what you all wanted! I’m not going to overdose on fucking Xanax if that’s what you’re concerned about!” Dan shouted, looking at his mum in disbelief. His heart was pounding in his ears and his hands were curled into tight fists.

“Do not talk to your mother like that, Daniel,” his father growled. His hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly, and it was pretty obvious in that moment exactly who Dan got his anger issues from.

“Don’t tell me what to do! This isn’t fair, you’re treating me like I’m an irresponsible child and I’m not! Just because I’m mentally ill doesn’t mean I want to kill myself!” he yelled, panting. 

His mum noticeably flinched at his words, sucking in a quick breath. “Dan, don’t-”

“It’s what you’re all thinking, isn’t it?” Dan whispered, his voice dropping as well as his gaze. “You think I’m depressed and suicidal, and soon enough you’re going to be locking up my medication because you’ll assume just because I’m diagnosed with a mental illness that I don’t want to be alive,” he added, shaking his head in mock humor. 

“Daniel we don’t think that-” his father started, but Mary cut him off.

“Stop lying to him, Andrew. You and I were both thinking it, as well as Rhys,” she croaked out, fisting her hand through her curly hair.

Dan felt hot tears leak out of his eyes, dripping from his chin to his lap. “Whatever,” he said, his voice raspy. “I’ll ask Phil over,” he added quietly.

The conversation stopped after that, a heavy tension filling the car instead. It lasted until they got home at half eight, all three of them hurriedly exiting the vehicle and going their separate ways inside of the house. Dan stumbled up the stairs quickly after grabbing a granola bar and a bottle of water from the kitchen, skipping the bathroom that held his medication and going straight for his room. At any other time, Dan would have taken a few moments to bask in the fact that he had his room back to himself, but as soon as he was safe inside the black walls he tossed his food to the side, threw himself onto his bed, and started to cry.

At some point about an hour later, after Dan had chewed his granola bar sadly and sipped at his water (and managed to stop sobbing into his pillows), he heard the garage door open and close downstairs, signaling his parents had left for work. It was still quite early, and Dan had no idea what to do in his spare time, as he wasn’t particularly motivated to do much in that moment.

He settled for messaging Phil, asking for him to simply come over to Dan’s between two and three o’clock instead of meeting up in town like they had originally planned. Dan wasn’t up for walking around with a painted smile on his face and would much rather have the serious conversation that was inevitably going to come in the comfort of his own home.

Luckily, Phil agreed easily, telling Dan he’d message him when he was on his way. That meant Dan had quite a handful of hours to kill, and while he’d love to do something productive with it, he ended up passed out on his bed, wrapped up in his duvet and clutching his stuffed lion.

\---

Dan awoke to a persistent buzzing next to his head, signaling an incoming call on his phone. He reached over blindly, finding the device tucked between two of his pillows. After rubbing his bleary eyes quickly, he looked at the screen through squinted eyes and saw Phil was calling.

“Hello?” Dan mumbled tiredly when he accepted the call.

“Dan? I’ve been walking around your neighborhood for the past twenty minutes and I have absolutely no idea which house is yours,” Phil said, skipping the greetings.

Dan sat up on his bed, yawning. “You were here less than a week ago, how have you forgotten?” he grumbled. Dan got out of the bed and made his way downstairs, opening his front door to glance outside.

Phil sighed on the other end of the phone. “I must’ve turned on the wrong street,” he murmured, ignoring Dan’s question. “It is Woodland, right?” 

Dan giggled, leaning against his doorframe. “It’s Sterling, Phil. One up.”

“I could’ve sworn it was Woodland, Dan!” Phil exclaimed, hard footsteps echoing through the phone. The nerd was actually running.

“Only you, Phil Lester,” Dan hummed, seeing the older boy turn down his street. It was quite a comedic sight, seeing such a lanky boy running decked out in at least three layers of clothing, but all Dan could manage to do was smile adoringly. 

He hung up the phone and placed it in the pockets of his sweatpants, giggling as Phil continued to run until he reached Dan’s porch, panting heavily. Dan raised an eyebrow at the boy, gesturing inside of the house.

“Need some water?” Dan asked, smirking.

Phil nodded. “Please and thank you.”

\---

The two boy’s were up in Dan’s room, laying on the bed and watching movies. So far they had avoided the conversation that was constantly up in the air, but neither wanted to break the peaceful atmosphere. 

It was almost eight o’clock and even after the long nap Dan had taken earlier that day, he was feeling rather tired. He looked up from his laptop to Phil, poking him in the side. “Phil,” he whispered.

The black haired boy looked down at Dan, smiling. “What’s up?” he asked, pausing the movie.

“D’you reckon you could stay the night? My parents don’t want me alone in the house and I kind of miss hanging out with you,” Dan said quietly, blushing. He rested his hand on Phil’s, rubbing his thumb over the soft skin.

Phil tensed up at the movements, but luckily Dan didn’t notice. He bit his lip and looked away from the other. “I suppose that’d be fine. I’ll text my mum and tell her in a bit, yeah?”

Dan nodded, shuffling a bit closer to Phil. He rested his head on the older’s chest and pressed his body against Phil’s. 

“I- uh- do you have any pyjamas I could borrow?” Phil asked, his voice slightly hoarse. He made no effort to snuggle back into Dan, even scooting back a few inches.

“Yeah, there should be some shirts in the bottom drawer of my dresser that’ll probably fit you, and I have a pair of sweatpants that are a bit too long for me in there as well,” Dan said. 

Phil coughed slightly, shuffling away from Dan. “Can I use your bathroom to change then? I kind of want to get out of my jeans,” he replied awkwardly.

Dan’s eyes widened and he sat up, giving Phil a smile. “Yeah of course, sorry. You know where it is.”

“I’ll be really quick, then,” Phil said, hopping off of the bed and going over to Dan’s dresser. He opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a dark green cotton shirt along with the black sweatpants, exiting Dan’s room without saying anything.

Dan huffed, a small frown taking over his face. He glanced over to the door, making sure it was clicked shut before removing his hoodie and his t-shirt, tossing the garments across the room. He heaved himself off of his bed and walked over to his dresser, pulling out a looser, more comfortable shirt and a pair of longer boxer shorts. Dan quickly slipped his pants off, replacing them with the thin shorts and throwing on his shirt.

He looked in the mirror, grimacing when the now faded red marks on his neck caught his gaze. Luckily they were fading rather fast now. 

The sound of his door opening caught Dan’s attention, and he almost projectile vomited at the sight that presented itself. Phil was wearing the shirt Dan had bought for Grayson those couple months ago along with a pair of the pyjama bottoms Grayson had left at Dan’s in the past.

Could he never get a break from that dickhead?

“Dan? Everything alright?” Phil asked hesitantly, giving the younger boy a worried look. He carefully set his folded clothing down on Dan’s desk before moving towards him.

“I’m fine, I just- thought I’d lost that shirt, is all,” Dan breathed, hoping the excuse was believable. He plastered a smile on his face and grabbed Phil’s hand, pulling the taller towards the bed.

“Alright then,” Phil hummed in confusion. He sat down crossed legged next to Dan on the soft mattress, keeping a few centimeters between them. “I- we need to talk about the other week, Dan.”

Dan visibly stiffened and casted his gaze to his lap. “It was nothing, Phil. All we did was kiss, it’s not like it was absolutely Hell worthy,” Dan whispered, curling his bottom lip into his mouth.

“You know that’s not the point of talking about this,” Phil stated. He lifted a hand up to Dan’s mouth, tapping on his bottom lip with his finger.

Dan froze at that gesture, the images of Grayson doing that exact same thing since they were little passing through his mind. It had always been a subconscious kind of thing that Dan appreciated endlessly. There was no number high enough to count how many times Dan had made his lip bleed from biting it too much.

“Can we please not?” Dan choked out, squeezing his eyes shut. “Too many things have happened in the past month and I just want to not talk about anything for right now.”

Phil sighed, bringing an arm around Dan’s shoulders. “We won’t get anywhere if we can’t talk about things, Dan. Will you at least tell me what happened today with your parents? I know it’s been bugging you and maybe it’ll help you relax if you talk about it.”

Dan snuggled into Phil’s side and mimicked his sigh. “I know it will, it’s just hard for me, you know? I feel like no one actually retains the things I say when I speak, so what’s the point?”

“I listen to you, and I’ll always listen to you. Your feelings matter to me. Don’t feel like I’m pressuring you because that’s the last thing I want to do, but it’s good to get things off of your chest,” Phil explained. He pressed a light kiss to the top of Dan’s head, the soft curls tickling his face.

A smile crept onto Dan’s face at that, causing him to curl in closer. “I guess,” he huffed. “Promise not to look at me any different, though?”

Phil grinned at the short boy, rubbing his hand down Dan’s arm in comforting motions. “Promise.”

Dan took a deep breath in and out to calm himself down before he started talking. “So you know what happened on Christmas with my medication, yeah? Well, as it turns out, my parents decided that would be a great opportunity for them to actually start caring about me as their child, so they called up my therapist and I’m guessing they made it sound like I down four pills or something, because now they want me on constant watch or some stupid shit. That’s why I asked you to spend the night,” Dan explained, his voice filled to the brim with a melancholy tone.

Phil furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion. “Why would they tell your therapist that? It wasn’t that big of a deal, you were just doing as you were instructed, right?”

Dan cringed and shook his head no. “I- I may have taken a bit more than I was supposed to,” he breathed. “And before you start freaking out, yes it’s okay for me to do so, but only if I have permission or whatever. I knew that, but I’m so sick of being a disappointment, you know? So I figured if I was high or something then I’d have an excuse because I’m mentally ill.”

“Dan-”

The brunette held up his hand, silencing Phil. “I know it’s stupid, okay? I never claimed to be smart. But now they’re convinced I’m going to off myself by overdosing, which I would never do. I d- don’t want to die, I’ve told you that, I just hate being judged all of the fucking time for having a diagnosed m- mental disorder. It’s not like I can h- help it, you know?” Dan stifled out, a few tears running down his cheeks.

Phil looked over Dan, observing his now slumped form and puffy cheeks. He hated seeing Dan so sad, and he didn’t really know how to make him feel better with his words.

It was obvious Dan was a quite physically driven person when it came to certain situations; Phil had experienced that. It didn’t necessarily make sense considering he hated being touched by the majority of people, but it seemed as if Phil was someone Dan actually trusted. There was an obvious way to distract Dan from all of the overwhelming things going on in his life.

Ultimately it would make a lot of things more complicated, and most likely fuck up Dan and Phil’s friendship in the near future, but Phil never claimed to be good at making decisions. It didn’t help that he was pretty much in love with the younger boy.

“Dan,” Phil whispered, putting his finger under Dan’s chin to lift it up. He looked into Dan’s wide doe-like eyes that were glistening with unshed tears and immediately crumpled. 

Dan let out quite the surprised squeak when Phil pressed his smooth lips to Dan’s chapped ones, but recovered instantly. He closed his eyes and moved further into Phil, pushing his entire upper body against the taller boy’s lean frame. He brought one hand up to Phil’s chest and grasped the thin cotton shirt, his other hand weaving its way into Phil’s silky hair.

If Dan had to admit one thing, it’d be that Phil was a Hell of a better kisser than Grayson had ever been. Of course he had already known that, but it was still nice. Phil’s lips were more gentle and caring and just better; pair that with what had to be experience (or maybe Phil was just a natural, but Dan didn’t really care) and Dan was a goner.

Dan pulled back far enough to be able to talk, but not far enough that their lips were totally parted. “We don’t have to do this, Phil,” Dan panted, but made no movement to push away. He quite wanted the distraction.

Phil shook his head, breathing hotly against the younger’s mouth. “I don’t mind too much,” he replied in a hushed voice, guiding Dan’s lips to meet his again. He flipped Dan so he was on his back and he was hovering over him, and then ran his thin fingers under Dan’s loose shirt. Dan’s skin was warm, like usual, and that made the whole situation that much more comfortable.

Wrapping his legs around Phil’s torso, Dan pulled the other down against him. He bit gently at Phil’s bottom lip, which caused him to open his mouth, allowing Dan exactly what he wanted. Dan met Phil’s tongue with his own, escalating the moment to a full make-out. The whole thing was hot and, dare Dan say, steamy, and reminded him a lot of what he and Grayson would do at the beginning of their relationship.

Phil broke that train of thought by lowering himself down to rest almost fully on Dan’s body and shoving his hands up Dan’s shirt so the garment bunch under Dan’s arms. Phil scratched down Dan’s side, huffing when his shirt kept falling back down.

“Just take it off, for fucks sake,” Dan whispered hoarsely against Phil’s lips, untangling his hands from Phil’s hair and lifting his arms up above his head. He hummed in satisfaction when Phil detached their lips and ripped his shirt off impatiently, smirking when he heard it hit the floor.

“I’ll admit, that’s slightly better,” Phil said, shuffling down Dan’s boxer short clad legs to press wet kisses on his neck. He settled his lips right over the marks that had been fading, sucking gently at the tan skin.

“D- don’t leave marks on my neck, y- you arsehole,” Dan whined, squeezing his eyes shut. He laced his hands back into Phil’s hair, tugging at the locks maybe a bit harshly.

Phil didn’t reply, but simply moved down to Dan’s overly prominent collar bones. He nipped and sucked at Dan’s skin, albeit a bit rougher than before. Dan’s hands were pulling his hair rather hard, and although it felt better than it probably should, Phil didn’t see it as fair.

It didn’t come as a surprise to either boys when Dan let out a particularly loud moan when Phil moved to suck marks into the dip above Dan’s clavicle, but rather encouraged them further. Dan tightened his ankles around Phil’s back and grinded his body upward, causing the older boy above him to groan in a low voice against Dan’s collar bones. 

The fact that Dan was only wearing a pair of thin boxers and Phil was still fully dressed would usually make Dan a bit uncomfortable, but in that moment he found it absolutely intoxicating. Sure, he definitely wouldn’t mind if Phil discarded the t-shirt and pyjama pants, but it was exhilarating either way. 

After leaving a quite dark mark right under Dan’s collar bones, Phil made his way back up to press another kiss on Dan’s chapped lips. He bit and tugged at the rough skin, drawing more loud moans out of the brunettes mouth along with a few muffled curses.

Dan moved his hands from Phil’s hair to the bottom of his shirt, slotting his hands underneath the cotton and scratching his nails down the smooth skin. He drew the shirt up and rubbed his hands down Phil’s sides and over his chest, memorizing the silky body that rested above him. Dan appreciated the lean, but still very slightly chubby form of Phil; it contrasted nicely to Grayson’s well-toned and muscled build that definitely wasn’t as comfy to have above him.

Phil’s lips were still working adamantly at Dan’s mouth, working it open and slotting his tongue against Dan’s every few seconds. The subtle bites had begun to turn Dan on above belief, but he was strangely alright with the feeling.

Dan pulled back from the kisses, panting lightly. “Phil, I’m-” he started, but the older boy pressed a significantly slower kiss to his lips to hush him.

“How far do you want me to go, Dan? I won’t stop if you don’t want me to, but I don’t want you to regret this,” Phil murmured against Dan’s mouth, rubbing his waist comfortingly.

“We both know w- we’re going to regret this no m- matter how far we go,” Dan groaned, rutting his body up against Phil’s. He dug his nails into Phil’s back at the satisfying contact, letting out soft moans. “Just- do whatever, I can’t just have you stop now.”

Phil nodded, despite Dan having his eyes squeezed shut tightly. He quickly discarded his shirt and tossed it across the room before pressing one final kiss to Dan’s swollen lips. He pulled back and let out a shaky sigh, squeezing Dan’s side once more. “You promise to tell me if it’s too far, right?” 

Dan opened his eyes, looking into Phil’s cerulean ones reassuringly. “I’m okay, Phil. You know what this is doing for me,” he whispered, smiling as genuinely as he could in his current state.

Nodding curtly, Phil ran his hands down to the waistband of Dan’s shorts, tugging the fabric down.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully shit hits the fan soon you know??? or was that last scene shit hitting the fan??? w h o k no w s (i do)
> 
> summary for my new fic down below! i've yet to name it sooooo..  
> \---  
> Daniel Howell is a rich and spoilt brat. He gets whatever he wants whenever he wants, with almost no complaints. He misses school more often than anyone should be allowed to, treats the people around him like shit, and sits on a throne he crafted himself. There’s an air of mystery and confusion surrounding him, and that’s how he likes it; no one knows him or his struggles.
> 
> Hiding behind the fabricated personality of Daniel, there’s a sick boy called Dan who is afraid of his own shadow and the fate that inevitably waits for him. Suffering from fatal lung cancer, Dan gets whatever he wants whenever he wants, the only complaints coming from him. He misses school more often than anyone should be allowed to for continuous hospital visits, treats the people around him like shit to hide his depression, and sits on a paper throne he messily glued together himself that will soon crumple and fall. 
> 
> Daniel is a rich and spoilt brat, but he’s a rich and spoilt brat who only had a handful of months left to live.  
> \---
> 
> this summary might change bc its kinda long but yeah, that's the gist of it. its gonna be an enemies to lovers fic bc i live for those AHHH
> 
> thanks for reading, i hope to see you all again sooooonn


	17. Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this is kinda shorter than usual for a few reasons
> 
> one, the content is kinda Emotional And Extreme
> 
> two, i haven't updated in a while
> 
> three, i was literally emo writing this so basically number one again
> 
> enjoy??
> 
> tw for vomiting! also blood if you like really really look
> 
> also hi not edited

“Phil gave me a blowjob last night.”

Chris choked on the water he’d been sipping, spitting it all over Dan and the couch. “Pardon me?” he asked in disbelief.

Dan scrunched up his face, wiping the liquid on his face off with his sweater sleeves. “You heard me,” Dan mumbled, a blush dusting his cheeks. He looked down at his lap, moving ever so slightly away from Chris.

“Dan, what the ever living fuck?” Chris exclaimed in exasperation. The shaggy haired boy set his cup down on the side table before turning to face Dan. “Why?” he demanded.

Dan brought his legs up against his chest, hugging his knees. He kept his graze trained on the floor and shrugged at Chris’s question. “It just kind of happened, I guess?” Dan said quietly.

Chris scoffed and shook his head. “Blowjobs aren’t things that just happen, Dan!” Chris exclaimed.

“We were just, I dunno, making out I guess, and-” Dan started, but Chris held up a hand.

“Again? He’s not your boyfriend, Dan. You can’t just keep casually making out with him whenever you want to.”

“He’s the one who started it, Chris!” Dan yelled suddenly, looking up at the other boy. “And it’s not like it means anything anyways!”

Chris narrowed his eyes into slits, crossing his arms across his chest. “Doesn’t mean anything? How do you know it didn’t mean anything to Phil, hm?” he asked.

“I- it wasn’t serious-” Dan stuttered, shaking his head back and forth. “Phil doesn’t- we don’t feel that way about each other, we’re friends- just friends,” he whispered.

Chris sighed, bringing his hands up to rub at his eyes. “Christ, Dan, you’re so oblivious,” Chris huffed. He settled his hands back by his sides, moving so he was right next to Dan on the couch. Chris lifted Dan’s chin with a lanky finger, forcing the brunette to look him in the eye.

“Phil likes you, Dan. How have you not realized?”

Dan searched Chris’s hazel eyes for any sign of a lie, his bottom lip trembling when he found nothing but honesty. “You’re lying,” Dan murmured, shaking his head no. Tears were forming in his wide eyes, his breath quickening. “He doesn’t.”

“Dan, it’s okay, it’s not a huge deal,” Chris quickly reassured, sensing the panic in the other. He went to move his arms around the younger boy, but Dan immediately shoved him back to the other side of the couch.

“Don’t,” Dan growled lowly, glaring at Chris through his tears. “You d- don’t get to say things like that and th- then act like everything i- is okay,” he spit out. “I already have enough shit to deal with without you piling more r- ridiculous stuff on t- top of it!”

Chris was stunned for a quick second, staring at Dan with wide eyes. He recovered almost instantly though, as most of Dan’s behavior switches didn’t usually take him too heavily by surprise. “It’s not ridiculous Dan, it’s someone's feelings! Phil’s feelings matter just as much as yours do in the grand scheme of things!” he yelled, standing up off of the couch. He crossed his arms across his chest and glared daringly down at Dan. He was aware that it probably wasn’t the nicest or most reasonable thing to do, but sometimes even Dan needed to be put in his place.

“Shut up,” Dan whispered, tears rapidly cascading down his swollen, red cheeks. His hands were starting to tremble, and the oh-so-familiar feeling of panic was flooding his chest.

“No, Dan! I’m not going to shut up this time! It isn’t fair for you to use Phil as a distraction from your problems! He’s not Grayson, he never will be Grayson, and he sure as Hell isn’t someone who should be taken advantage of! He fucking cares about you, so much, and you’re so blind not to see that. He loves you to pieces and would walk across the entire earth just to see you smile,” Chris bellowed. 

“Chris, stop,” Dan panted, quiet enough so Chris couldn’t actually hear him. He absolutely despised getting yelled at. His short nails were digging into his arms harshly, pinching the delicate skin. Dan couldn’t feel the pain, though.

“I just- you’re so fucking selfish, Dan. You know that? Your feelings always come before anyone else, and everyone's always watching out for you, making sure you’re okay, making sure you’ve taken your meds, making sure you’re not going to off yourself in the middle of the night, and it’s tiring! I’ve tried so hard to be the best friend I could be these past few years, because you’re so worth it and you do deserve to be happy, but you’re not always right!” Chris continued, seeming to have forgotten exactly who he was talking to.

At this point, Dan felt physically sick. He could hardly breathe, and the small amount of food he had managed to consume earlier that afternoon was threatening to make it’s way back up. It was almost certain that Dan had drawn blood from digging his nails into his arms, and now he was pulling at his hair way too harshly. His body was folded back into Chris’s couch the furthest it could get, trembles shooting through each limb while his eyes glazed over.

Chris had his back facing Dan as he ranted, unaware of the deteriorating state of the younger boy. He didn’t realize how much his words were affecting Dan; he wasn’t thinking about what he was saying, he was just saying it.

“You use your panic disorder as an excuse to not do things that everyone else has to, and you think just because you have a fucking stupid anxiety attack, the things you do are excused, but they aren’t Dan! They just aren’t, and frankly-” Chris yelled, but was cut off by a retching sound.

Dan was clutching his throat and attempting to get up off of the couch, but his shaky legs were preventing him from standing up. He was gagging loudly, and at any moment he was guaranteed to throw up the toastie Chris had fed him earlier.

“Oh, shit,” Chris cursed as his eyes widened, rushing over to Dan and grabbing ahold of his shoulders. 

Had Dan not been on the verge of projectile vomiting all over Chris’s expensive furniture, he would’ve screamed at him to get off. Instead, he simply let the older boy lead him into the hall bathroom quickly, kneeling right beside Dan as he leaned over the toilet. 

“Dan, I’m sorry-” Chris began, but was cut off by the violent puking sounds escaping Dan’s throat. Chris looked away, but kept a hand on Dan’s back to reassure him.

The vomiting lasted for a good five minutes before Dan sat back against the bathtub next to the toilet, sweating profusely and still sobbing heavily. He thrusted his trembling hands into his curly hair and pulled the sweaty locks harshly, sniffling and crying loudly.

Chris scooted to the other side of the bathroom, looking down at his hands in guilt. He was genuinely shocked at the words that had escaped his mouth, and the fact that he had actually driven Dan to have such an intense panic attack filled him with self hate. For the first time since he’d met Dan, Chris had no idea how to comfort the other boy during a time like this.

Dan had so many emotions flooding through his body (the most noticeable being an overwhelming panic) and he simply couldn’t focus. There was sweat and tears trickling down his face and dripping off of his chin, trembles coursing through his entire body at every moment, the disgusting taste of vomit coating his throat and mouth; there were too many things clouding his senses and all he could think to do was pull at his hair until it stopped. 

He had his eyes clenched shut to block out at least some of the clutter in his mind, and had basically forgotten about Chris being in the room. He wasn’t so focused on what the other boy had said, and more on the entire weight of his problems dropping like bricks onto his chest all at once. While the harsh words were definitely present in the back of his mind, there was also thoughts of everything that had happened in the past few months: Grayson betraying him, Phil spiraling head first into his life at the worst time, his parents fighting because of him, and every other off putting thing that had struck Dan recently.

The rush of negative thoughts caused the minimal leftover contents of his stomach to swirl up again, and Dan quickly let go of his hair and crawled back over to the toilet, gripping the sides of the porcelain so hard that his knuckles began to turn white. He emptied his stomach unwillingly once more, and soon enough all that was coming up was a putrid smelling liquid.

“Fuck,” Dan croaked loudly, a tight knot settling in his throat. A new round of hot tears made their way down Dan’s face, dripping into the toilet bowl below. His grip on the cool surface was causing his fingers to go numb, so he slumped back against the bath, curling his hands into fists.

“Dan-” 

“D- don’t, please, don’t” Dan rushed out. He couldn’t take anymore hits, he just couldn’t.

Chris sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Dan was meant to be staying with him for a few days before school started, (it was a tradition they’d had for the past four years) but Chris wasn’t sure how that was going to happen considering the given situation. 

“I was just going to ask if you wanted to go to your room and be alone,” Chris said quickly, pushing past Dan’s subtle whispers of the word ‘no’ while he was talking.

Dan paused his low mumbles and nodded. He kept his gaze down while he started to get up, placing his hands on the floor beneath him to push himself up.

Chris rushed over to his side almost automatically to help him stand, but was rejected.

“I can do it,” Dan whimpered, gripping the edge of the bath to aid him when he was half way up. Chris nodded, but his eyes held doubt. He stepped back to give the other room.

Dan was almost fully stood up on his feet when his shaking legs gave out underneath him, sending him plummeting straight to the ground.

Chris immediately reached out and grabbed Dan, trying steadying him on his lanky limbs, but when Chris’s hands made contact with Dan the younger boy yelped.

“Don’t touch me!” he screamed, pulling back and leaning against the wall. The towel rack was digging into his upper back, but he felt more of an uncomfortable sensation where Chris had grabbed him. His wide brown eyes were staring into Chris’s green ones, terror slowly filling them.

Chris froze, staring right back at Dan. Evident hurt coursed through his dull green eyes, and was soon covering his entire expression. Dan had never reacted that way towards him.

“I’m sorry,” Chris murmured, his voice a combination of guilt and pain. 

If possible, Dan’s eyes widened further and immediately all of the terror washed out of his face, instead replaced with self hatred and guilt. “I- Chris, I’m so- I didn’t mean it-” he started.

Chris shook his head. “It’s fine, Dan. I deserved it,” he whispered, breaking eye contact. “I’m sorry.”

Chris sighed, turning on the water faucet and quickly washing his hands. He dried them on an expensive looking towel before turning back to Dan. “I reckon it’s gotten pretty late. Why don’t you wash up and go to bed, yeah?” he suggested, his tone flat.

“I- okay,” Dan mumbled, nodding his head. His eyes followed after Chris as he left the room, his footsteps echoing up the stairs, soon followed by a door shutting. 

Dan pushed himself gently off of the wall and flushed the toilet, closing the lid with his trembling hands. The loud clank the action made caused Dan to flinch, his breathing rising momentarily. He choked down a pathetic sob, moving to the sink to wash his hands and rinse out his mouth. He grabbed the spare toothbrush he had in the cabinet, hurriedly brushing the stale taste of vomit out of his mouth. He splashed water over his face and deemed himself as acceptable looking as he could manage

Exiting the room, Dan flicked off the light that Chris had turned on when they first entered, and closed the door tight afterwards. He slumped his way down the hall and into the guest bedroom, locking the door behind him.

There was already a pile of Dan’s clean clothes resting near his backpack he’d brought, so he eagerly changed into the fresh smelling sweatpants and jumper that the stack contained. After throwing his dirty clothes into a neat pile on the floor, he crawled into the bed and flipped the lamp off, cuddling himself into the fluffy duvet.

\---

Dan woke up a bit later that night, the clock on his phone reading just past eleven. He’d, unfortunately, been tossing and turning for the majority of the time he was able to rest, a mild feeling of panic still present in his chest. Pulling himself into a sitting position, Dan sighed heavily. 

If he was entirely desperate for sleep, Dan figured he could take a few of the sleeping pills he had shoved in his bag before he came over to Chris’s, but he was craving human comfort and sleeping in Chris’s bed sounded better than sleeping alone.

Chris couldn’t be too mad at Dan: even after all that was said, they were still best friends. Although Dan couldn’t shake what Chris had yelled earlier that day, he was the only option Dan had. There was no way he could call Phil, not after the awkward ‘morning after’ conversation (or lack thereof) they’d had before Phil left that morning. Even the thought made Dan want to rush back into the bathroom and throw up bile again.

After mulling over his two options, Dan decided Chris was worth a shot. He hoisted himself off of the bed and treaded over towards the door, unlocking it and stepping out into the large house. Luckily there were still some lamps flicked on, signalling Chris’s parents hadn’t arrived home yet.

He quickly made his way up the stairs and to the third door on the left, knocking gently against the wood.

A groggy ‘yes?’ was heard from inside the room, so Dan twisted the door handle and stepped into the dark room, closing the door behind him. 

“I was wondering if I could sleep in here tonight?” Dan mumbled, flinching when Chris turned on the lamp next to his bed and light flooded the room.

Chris sat up in his bed, rubbing his hands over his eyes. A short yawn escaped his lips. “Dan, I don’t know- I mean, you know any other day I’d let you, but…” Chris trailed off, sadness evident in his voice.

Dan wrapped his arms around his middle defensively, frowning. “Please? I can’t sleep alone right now,” he pleaded. His lower lip jutted out in a pout, making him look like a toddler.

Chris groaned, shaking his head. “God dammit, Dan, you know I hate your pouty face,” he grumbled, sliding over to one side of his bed.

Dan didn’t laugh like he usually would, but a small smile wiggled its way onto his face, his dimples caving in. “Thank you,” he whispered, shyly making his way to the bed and crawling underneath the cover Chris held up for him. He pulled the duvet up to his chin, curling into Chris’s side.

Chris wrapped his lanky arm around Dan, pulling the shorter boy to him. When Dan rested his head on Chris’s chest, a sigh emitted from the older boy. “We need to talk in the morning, Dan,” he said quietly, running a hand through Dan’s hair.

“Yeah,” Dan replied, sleep already clouding his voice. He grabbed a handful of Chris’s shirt, holding it tightly in a fist. His eyes were fluttering shut quickly, a heavy weight settling on top of them.

Chris simply chuckled lightly, closing his eyes as well. “Goodnight, Dan,” he murmured, drifting back off to sleep.

“G’night,” came the gurgled response from Dan, who very soon fell into the deepest slumber he’d had in awhile.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! hoping to update soon and get into that meaty plot lmao
> 
> the ending was kind of eh but lisTEN i tried its midnight


	18. Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: alcohol and drug abuse tbh
> 
> it's kinda a sad one ah ok also UNEDITED I JUST WROTE THIS IN LIKE THREE GOES
> 
> also disclaimer again i'm not a doctor and if any medical stuff is wrong iM SORRY
> 
> also it's kinda of crap @ the end but w/e

An insistent knocking awoke the two boys early the next morning. Dan felt Chris shuffling underneath him, and he gently pushed the brunettes head to the side so it rested on a pillow. The older of the two sat up and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

“Yeah?” Chris mumbled, groaning at the light that was flooding into his room.

Dan peeled his own eyes open and yawned, stretching his arms above his head as he sat up. He leaned back on the headboard while whoever was behind the door slowly opened it and peeked in.

Chris’s mum Adele, a short light haired lady with kind hazel eyes, smiled at the two boys sat on the bed. “Alright boys?” she asked in a soothing motherly voice.

Both of the teenagers nodded drowsily, causing the woman to chuckle in adoration. She stepped into the brightly lit room, squinting her eyes a bit.

“Forgot to close the drapes again, I see,” she mused.

Chris groaned in response, flopping back onto his mound of pillows. “Mum,” he whined, stretching the word in a childish way. “What d’you want? It’s too early to be awake.”

“Oh, hush. It’s already nine o’clock,” she chided, raising an eyebrow at Chris. Adele simply rolled her eyes when the boy groaned again, crossing her thin arms across her chest. She turned her attention to Dan, who was watching the interaction with an amused expression on his face.

“Dan, your mum called me this morning and asked that I remind you of the therapist appointment you have tomorrow morning. I’m sure Chris would be more than happy to take you and make sure you get back here alright,” she said gently. Her smile held a hint of sympathy, but Dan chose to ignore that.

Dan nodded in reply, sending her a tight smile. “Thank you, Adele,” he murmured.

Her smile brightened when Dan used her first name, something she’d been trying to get him to do since he and Chris met. “Of course, dear!” she exclaimed before turning back to her son. “I need you two to do a bit of shopping today as well, as we are almost completely out of groceries and your father and I are flying out to France tonight. We’ll be back tomorrow but not until late afternoon at the earliest,” she explained.

“We’ll go as soon as we’re actually awake, mum. Do you have a list ready?” Chris asked, lifting himself out of bed.

“It’s on the island in the kitchen, as usual. I transfered some money into your bank account, so don’t worry about that.”

“Sounds good. I’ll call you later tonight to check in when you’ve landed, alright?” Chris said, walking over to his mum and pulling her into a tight hug.

“Of course, sweetie. Take care of Dan, you hear?” she mumbled in his ear. 

“Always.” Chris pulled back from the hug, smiling at his mum caringly. “See you tomorrow?” 

Adele returned the grin, patting Chris on the head. “You bet. I love you, Chris.”

“Love you too, mum. Have a safe trip, and tell dad he owes me a hang out day,” Chris said with a content look on his face.

“Will do,” she whispered before looking over Chris’s shoulder. Dan was sat on the bed with a sad expression on his soft face, his eyes trained on the duvet below him. Adele sighed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Don’t be afraid to call me if you need anything,” she said, causing the boy’s head to snap up.

Dan nodded and tried to slap a smile on his face, but he was sure it looked like a painful grimace. “Yeah,” he muttered, “see you.”

\---

After Chris’s mum had left, the two boys lounged around in the kitchen uncomfortably for half an hour, knowing what conversation was coming. They’d gotten dressed and were leaving for the shops soon, but Chris didn’t want the inevitable talk to be avoided any longer.

Dan was sat on one of the bar stools next to the island, nibbling on a plain piece of toast. His feet were kicking back and forth from anxiety, as he was still quite on edge from the previous day. He sent nervous glances towards Chris every once in awhile, but would quickly cast his gaze back down when they accidentally made eye contact.

Chris, on the other hand, had chucked down about three bowls of cereal and was pacing the large room, only stopping to take a swig of orange juice every now and then. He’d about had it with the tense atmosphere the silence in the room was causing, wishing so much that he and Dan could just go back to how they used to be. 

Dan was just about to stand up and throw his remaining toast shreds away when Chris sighed loudly and announced they had to talk.

“I suppose,” Dan muttered, hanging his head even lower than it previously was.

“Dan, c’mon, don’t make this harder than it has to be. It shouldn’t be painful for us to talk through problems, we’re best friends,” Chris said in exasperation. He walked over to the younger boy and lifted his chin up with one of his lanky fingers, wincing when Dan flinched at the touch. “Look at me, Dan. I’m not going to yell at you. I’m sorry for what I said yesterday, but I wasn’t lying. We really need to talk about this,” Chris said, his voice significantly softer.

Dan hesitantly lifted his dark brown eyes up to meet Chris’s firm gaze, searching the older boy’s expression rapidly. “I just don’t understand why we have to talk about it. You were right, I’m a shitty person, I don’t need any more reassurance on that,” he said. His tone was more sad than bitter, and it caught Chris off guard.

“You aren’t a shitty person Dan,” Chris argued, scrunching his eyebrows together.

The statement drew a humourless chuckle out of Dan. He pulled away from Chris’s touch and leant back against the counter behind him. “Thanks, but you don’t need to lie to me. You said it yourself, I used Phil. I used someone who apparently has feelings for me, and that makes me a shitty person,” Dan said in a hushed voice. 

Chris sighed and stepped back, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Dan, you didn’t- it wasn’t like you were aware of the fact that he fancied you.”

“He literally asked me out for coffee the first day we met, Chris! How did I not fucking realize it?” Dan shouted, snapping his head up to look at the older boy. “Why would someone willingly give me, the most horrifically undesirable person in the entire world, a fucking blowjob unless they fancied me?”

“Oh, Dan,” Chris whispered, tears pricking at his eyes. “You can’t possibly think that about yourself.”

A look of pain passed through Dan’s eyes, but quickly hardened into an icy stare. “Why else would Grayson cheat on me? I’m clearly not worth much if someone can just throw away a three year relationship that easily,” he said, dropping his gaze down to his feet.

“Dan, you are worth so much more than what Grayson gave you. He’s the one that’s not worth anything more than shit. Anyone would be lucky to have you, especially for three years” Chris reasoned, bending down and pulling Dan into a tight hug.

Dan relished the comfort for a moment before pulling back and wiping at his now damp eyes. “God, I just don’t- I’ve tried so hard not to think of it and ignore the empty feeling inside of my chest,” Dan croaked out, “it’s gotten so hard to keep it all inside -I guess that’s part of the reason I let Phil do what he did- and I know when I see Grayson again next week at school it’s all going to come crashing down and I’ll be drowning, because fuck, I never imagined living without him right there by my side. And I know my ways of coping are bad and affect other people negatively, but I don’t know any better. When you’re in the same routine for three years of having sex with someone whenever you feel sad it’s hard to break out of it, and that’s such a shitty excuse, and God I need to go to therapy more often-”

“Dan, it’s okay,” Chris said, cutting off Dan’s rambling. “I understand why you crave the kind of affection you do when you’re sad, but it’s not right and it’s not healthy. For you or others. I’m not going to say you don’t have anything to be sorry about, because obviously you’re still accountable for your actions, but I will say that I understand. Habits are hard to break regardless of what they are.”

“I feel so dirty and revolting,” Dan whispered. “It’s so embarrassing to admit that I cope with a mental illness by having sex. Like, was I even doing it because I loved him? Or was I using him just like I used Phil?”

“Of course you loved him, Dan. You probably still do and that’s completely okay. You guys have known one another since you were what, three? It’s hard to lose something that was not only a relationship, but a friendship too. You shouldn’t feel dirty either. There are definitely much worse ways you could have coped,” Chris said in a soothing voice. He rubbed the younger’s shoulder comfortingly.

“I’ll never stop loving him. He was my entire world,” Dan said in a voice that was below a whisper, and filled to the brim with pain. His hands were shaking violently now, so he slotted his fingers together, squeezing hard.

“I know, kiddo. I know,” Chris said with a sigh, pursing his lips.

A silence settled over the room for a few moments before Dan lifted his head up and huffed. He thrusted his hands through his mussed up hair and gave the locks a quick tug. He lowered his arms afterwards, resting his elbows on his thighs. “Can we, like, go now? I’m not really in the mood to sit and sulk again.”

Chris nodded in reply, holding a hand out for Dan to lift himself up with. “Yeah, we should probably go before Tescos get’s too packed,” he murmured.

Dan pulled himself up and dusted off his jeans, trying to smile up at Chris. His face twisted into a grimace, though, and it was clear nothing was quite alright then.

\---

Dan and Chris had arrived at the shops roughly twenty minutes ago, and they were already separated. Chris had sent Dan to go find some ridiculous brand of cereal for Chris’s mum, and now Dan had no idea where his friend was. He’d tried calling and texting, but soon remembered that Chris’s phone had died right before they arrived.

“Of fucking course this would happen today,” Dan grumbled to himself as he carried two boxes of some disgustingly healthy looking cereal through the long aisles. He had a pout etched onto his face and his posture was terribly slouched, causing every person that walked past him to send him a concerning glance. Of course no one had bothered to ask if anything was wrong, because the town he lived in was filled with grumpy old people and annoying younger children with equally annoying parents.

He was about to turn down the soup aisle when a tall figure at the beginning of it caught his eye. Almost immediately his heart dropped into his stomach, and his pulse began to race. He knew he should’ve just turned around, but he was frozen in place.

“Grayson, mum told you specifically to get the no sodium broth!” said the smaller boy accompanying the looming figure.

“How would you know, Gabe? You never listen to mum when she’s talking.”

“Neither do you! All you’ve been focused on for the past month is Dan!”

The teenage boy’s shoulders slumped, and his head hung low. He reached a shaking hand up to the shelf and grabbed a can hastily, throwing it into the trolley that was parked next to the duo.

They were about to turn around when Dan snapped out of the trance he was in, and the overwhelming instinct to run away took over him. He could not see Grayson right now.

And running away probably would have gone smoothly if Dan hadn’t caught his shoulder on the edge of a shelf when he spun around and ended up tumbling to the ground, the boxes he was holding flying across the aisle.

A rush of ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ fled through Dan’s mind as the two boys turned around and caught sight of him sprawled on the ground. Grayson’s eyes widened comically, and his little brother gasped. The older of the two immediately rushed to Dan’s side, kneeling down next to him.

“Oh my God, Dan, are you alright?” he asked, running his eyes over Dan’s entire body. 

Dan’s entire body tensed up at the close proximity and the familiar rush of panic flooded his chest, but he really was not in the mood for a panic attack. Especially not in the middle of Tesco's in front of loads of people, including his ex boyfriend.

“Don’t, please just go away,” he pleaded. His wide doe eyes were fleeting back and forth between Grayson and any potential escape route. He had his palms pressed to the suspiciously sticky floor, ready to push himself up the moment Grayson just backed off.

There was so much pain inside Grayson’s eyes, but Dan genuinely couldn’t find it in himself to care. The only thing he could focus on was Grayson’s hand coming to rest on his shoulder, which caused a burning sensation to shoot through his entire body.

An animalistic spark flooded Dan’s eyes, the same look he had when he was in the bathroom cutting his own hair off. The touch sent such an unpleasant feeling into Dan’s being, and he just wanted to feel empty again. He’d do anything to go back to being emotionless.

“I told you to go away!” Dan screamed, ripping his arm away from the other boy and hoisting himself up on his trembling legs. He grasped onto the shelf behind him to steady himself before shoving past the other two males at full force, sprinting down the aisles.

There was a faint shout of “Dan, wait!” but the adrenaline was rushing through Dan at full speed, and nothing stopped him from exiting the Tesco and running, running, running.

\---

Dan’s hands were sweaty when he gripped the door handle to his house and turned it, luckily finding it unlocked. They were sweaty when he grabbed the neck of one of his father’s bottles of Jack Daniel’s from his wine cabinet (he’d question that later), and they were sweaty when he popped open the cap of his Xanax bottle, dumping three of the white pills into his other hand.

His hands were shaky when he pulled the door to his room open, and just so when he closed it. Hell, his hands were trembling when he twisted the cap off of the liquor bottle and tossed the three pills into his mouth one by one, swallowing them with the hard substance he had a tight grip on in his left palm. His entire body was shaking when he slouched down against his headboard. 

But after a chunk of minutes out of the hour, his hands weren’t violently shaking anymore, and they weren’t sweating profusely. His heart wasn’t racing any longer either; in fact, perhaps it was too slow. By the time three quarters of the alcohol had gone, his sense of living had followed.

In his head, Dan felt great. Well, he felt nothing, which was great. He wasn’t thinking of his problems anymore, he wasn’t having a panic attack, and his conscious was clear for the most part. It was relieving to be completely content.

And Dan was content, for about twenty minutes. But then reality decided it was going to kick in like the asshole it was, and suddenly Dan couldn’t breathe very well. He was dizzy, and his heart wasn’t pumping blood fast enough, and he was scared. His eyes wouldn’t focus on their usual spot on the black wall across from his bed, and he didn’t hear it when he was screaming or when his mum and dad burst through his door. He didn’t even know they were home- why didn’t they stop him? 

“Mum, please, m’scared, I don’t wanna die, mum, I don’t wanna die and I’m scared,” he faintly heard himself slur, the words echoing in his head, stabbing at his brain as his crying mum grasped his shoulders. He felt muted touches of his mum cradling him, rocking him back and forth and whispering comforting words in his ears. Somewhere else in the room his dad was calling 999, and Dan felt so stupid.

His eyelids started drooping, and despite the large amount of sedation coursing through his body, Dan was panicking. He didn’t want to die, and he was slowly slipping in and out of consciousness, the claws of sleep scratching at his mind, and he was so fucking scared.

“Everything is going to be fine, Bear. The ambulance is coming and you’re gonna be fine, don’t you worry,” his mum choked out, her warm tears dripping onto Dan’s face. “You’re not gonna die, I love you so much, you’re going to be completely fine. I won’t let you go, Bear.”

Dan drowsily made eye contact with his mum, and he was very slightly aware of his own tears running down his cheeks. “Mum, m’so sorry,” he whispered, the words almost silent. They were horribly slurred, but Dan knew deep in his mind his mum understood exactly what he was saying. 

Mary shook her head rapidly, coursing her hands through Dan’s sweat-matted hair. “Don’t you apologize for anything, ever. You’ve been nothing but wonderful and great and lovely,” she rambled messily. Her words were cut off by a group of paramedics rushing through the door, accompanied by Dan’s father.

Dan decided then that it was okay to let go, because they were going to fix him and he’d be fine, just like his mum promised. He’d be fine, because he didn’t want to die and he was a fighter.

If only he had realized sooner.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading pals


	19. Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is literally a crappy filler bc it needed to get out of the way have fun  
> tw for hospitals and all that jazz  
> not edited   
> also again i'm changing some medical stuff to fit the plot and yeah.

Hospitals are very unpredictable. 

A lot of people tend to describe them as white, and while technically that is true, it’s also extremely wrong. White means purity and happiness and safety, but Dan has never felt any of those things while being in the walls of a hospital. From his perspective, hospitals mean death and insanity, regardless of how many babies are being delivered a few floors down from the cancer ward.

It’s terrifying, really. One minute someone can be living the happiest moment of their existence, and the next a family a few rooms over could be experiencing the loss of a loved one. It’s unpredictable, and the outcome could either ruin or make a life.

It tends to be worse when you’re the one in the hospital bed as well. Everything is out of your hands, and maybe it’s reassuring that your loved ones aren’t hurting as bad as you are, but they’re still affected. And it’s your fault.

Dan can’t say that’s the thing he feels the worst about when he wakes up on a very uncomfortable mattress with at least four IVs pumping unknown liquids into his arms, though. 

Regardless of the heavy oxygen mask situated on his face, he found it very hard to breathe. The room seemed way too cramped, the blanket on top of him way too heavy, and the panic inside of his chest way too noticeable. There was something gripping his left hand, or rather, someone, and not knowing who it was made Dan’s heart race even more.

A loud beeping sound resonated throughout the room, piercing Dan’s ears. He peeled his eyes open, looking around the room anxiously with blurry vision. Trembles wracked through his body, and the figure that was situated next to him held his hand tighter.

“Dan, you’re okay, just breathe,” a deep voice said quietly. A hand rested upon his shoulder, rubbing the tense muscles there reassuringly.

He shot his puffy brown eyes over to the left, where who had to be his father sat, leaning towards Dan. There was an extremely stressed look on the older’s face, and a faint beard adorning his usually clean shaven jaw. His brown eyes were dark, much like Dan assumed his were, and bloodshot. 

Andrew gave Dan a tense smile. “Doctor should be here soon, alright?” he muttered, searching his son's face. He squeezed Dan’s thin shoulder once more before retracting his arm.

Dan tried to focus on his dad’s words, but the high pitched beeping coming from the machine next to him (which he assumed was his heart monitor from how fast his heart was beating) kept distracting him. His head was already pounding, and the sound wasn’t making it any better.

True to his father’s words though, a doctor did burst into the room with a worried look on his face, but it soon vanished when he caught the panic dusted over Dan’s expression and his shaking body.

“You’re awake, then,” the doctor said, making his way over to Dan’s side. He tapped something on the monitor and adjusted one of Dan’s IVs, and the beeping receded.

Dan watched the man with wide observing eyes, not quite sure whether he should trust him or not. His body stiffened when the man leaned down and lifted the oxygen mask off of Dan’s face, putting it to the side. 

The doctor stepped back afterwards, giving Dan a sympathetic smile. “I’m Dr. Glazier, and I’ll be taking care of you until we transfer you to the mental ward in a few days, alright?” he said casually. Much too casually for the feelings that washed over Dan at the statement.

Dan’s eyes widened further, if possible, and he immediately began to garble incoherent words. His voice was scratchy and sharp pains shot through his throat every time he tried to utter anything. Regardless, he continued to mumble sounds that would have been disagreements and panicky phrases had his voice been able to work properly.

His dad quickly gripped his shoulder again and squeezed his hand. “Sh, Dan, it’s fine, don’t overwork yourself,” Andrew said softly. 

Dan shook his head persistently and continued to croak out anxious almost-words. His hand that wasn’t being held by his father had tightened into a fist, causing the IV inserted in the back of it to pinch uncomfortably. He yelped out in pain, and tears started to well up in his eyes. He was squirming in the hospital bed in panic, and he heard the heart monitor start to beep loudly once again.

“No, no, no- m’no- m’not- t crazy,” Dan managed to practically shriek, even though his words were still quite jumbled and hard to decipher. An intense pain shot through Dan’s throat, causing him to start coughing uncontrollably. 

Across the room, Dr. Glazier was paging nurses and signalling Andrew to leave. He whispered for the man to come back in ten minutes, when they would hopefully have calmed down Dan.

Andrew reluctantly let go of Dan’s limp hand, tears running down his cheeks at the sight before him. He pushed himself out of the plastic chair he’d been sitting in for the past three hours and hurriedly made his way out the door, ducking his head the entire way out.

Three nurses took his place in the room, rushing over to Dan and helping him sit up against the headboard. One of them pushed a button that raised the top half of his bed, elevating it.

Dr. Glazier upped the dosage of sedatives in one of the teenagers IVs, but not so much that he would fall asleep. He then turned to assess the damage Dan had done in the few minutes he’d been panicking.

Dan was still coughing, which had distracted him from his breakdown, but as soon as the Doctor’s gloved hands were placed on his shoulders and pushing him back, he began thrashing again. He was mumbling something along the lines of ‘Don’t touch me, leave me alone’ in between his coughs, but the tall broad shouldered man kept holding him down until something washed over Dan’s body and he fell limp against the bed, breathing heavily. His hospital-clad body burned where the man had touched him.

“You’re safe, Daniel. No need to panic,” a kind looking black haired nurse murmured, grabbing ahold of Dan’s hand. She brushed a small hand across Dan’s forehead, wiping stray curls aside.

Dan looked up at her, and for some reason he found her cerulean eyes comforting and trusting. She was smiling comfortingly at him, and she just seemed so caring and genuinely concerned about Dan, that he nodded, and half of his tension left his body.

The two other nurses and the doctor all seemed to notice this. Dr. Grazier looked up at the young nurse, smiling. “Nina, why don’t you take over yeah? Stay here with Dan until I gather his parents?” he said.

The nurse, Nina, looked shocked, but quickly shook it off. She nodded at the doctor, smiling unsurely at him. “I mean, I’d love to, but-” 

Dr. Glazier cut her off. “Then it’s settled. I’ll speak with you when you’re done here. I’ll go fetch Mary and Andrew, okay?” he responded, raising his eyebrows at her.

“Of course, Doctor.”

More nods were exchanged before the three others exited the room, leaving Dan and Nina alone. Nina took the chair where Dan’s father had been sat earlier, and grabbed ahold of Dan’s shaky hand.

Dan was simply watching her, never breaking eye contact. He was too nervous to speak again, fearing the hot pain that had overtaken his chest and throat before. 

Nina sighed, rubbing Dan’s palm in a motherly way (or what Dan would assume to be a motherly gesture). “Dr. Glazier can be a bit much, can’t he?” she mumbled. It was obvious that she was stressed out; there were lines forming between her eyebrows, and a bit of a frown adorning her face.

“He means good, he just doesn’t quite understand how to deal with anything other than medical stuff. He’s not a big ‘feeling’ person,” Nina continued, pushing her free hand through her tight dark ponytail. She paused for a minute or two, simply rubbing Dan’s hand until some of the left over tension escaped his body. Be it from her actions or the drugs seeping into his body.

“You’re gonna be alright, you know that?” she exclaimed suddenly, looking back down at the fragile teen.

Dan furrowed his brows in confusion, tilting his head to the side. 

The young woman chuckled, shaking her head in a way someone who was laughing at an inside joke with a friend would. “I can tell your parents are a bit pushy, they give off that vibe. Mine were the same way, actually. Kind of tiring when you’re dealing with a mental illness, yeah?” she asked softly. 

Dan nodded carefully, scepticism growing in his mind. He eyes the woman guardedly.

She caught on to Dan’s hesitation quickly. Nina sighed once again, biting her lip. “I- um- I struggled with a general anxiety disorder when I was your age, about eight years back. Of course it wasn’t as bad a case as I’ve learned yours to be, but I understand what you’re feeling. As much as I can, anyways,” she added. “I want to help you, not just fix your ‘issues’ and send you off like the rest of the lot.”

It was then that it struck Dan why she seemed so trustworthy. She reminded him of Phil, as ridiculous as it sounded. Even if they weren’t on perfect terms all of the time, Phil always made an effort to understand Dan’s problems and help him. 

A tiny smile surfaced on Dan’s face. A very worn out smile, but a smile nonetheless.

\---

Dan’s parents had arrived about fifteen minutes later, the time between filled with reassuring chatter from Nina, and the occasional yawn from Dan. There was no doubt that Dan was still quite anxious, but he was about twenty minutes away from falling asleep because of the sedatives.

If Andrew had looked bad when Dan woken up, Mary was ten times worse. She had heavy purple bags under her bloodshot eyes, flat tied back hair, and was void of any makeup. She had an obviously old sweatsuit on, and a pair of torn up trainers with it. A pang of guilt coursed through Dan.

“Oh, Bear,” Mary said, speed walking over to Dan. She wrapped her thin arms around Dan’s neck gently, hugging him as closely as she could without hurting him. She sniffled a few times before pulling back and wiping her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Dan,” Mary whispered, running her hands over her face.

Nina cleared her throat. “I’ll be leaving now. Either myself or the doctor will be back in half an hour to check how things are going, but if you need us before hand just click the call button,” she said with a soft smile on her face. She slipped out of the room, shutting the door quietly.

Andrew turned to Dan, biting his lip at the skinny frail boy. Dan had his eyes cast down at his lap, and was gnawing his lower lip much like his father. His bony hands were twitching with nerves at his sides, entire upper body tensed up. There were heavy bags under his eyes, matching the two adults in the room.

“Dan,” Andrew whispered, making his son’s head snap up and eyes swim with uncertainty. 

“I’m sorry,” Dan croaked. His left hand subconsciously wandered over to his right arm, pinching the skin between his chewed down nails. He avoided eye contact with his dad, looking at the ground behind him instead.

“Oh, honey,” Mary sighed, rubbing her temples. “Don’t apologize, please,” she muttered. She slumped down into the chair beside Dan’s bed, peeling his left hand away from his arm and gripping it between her own hands tightly.

The atmosphere in the room was unbelievably tense, and it was making Dan squirm. He knew his parents were waiting to tell him he was being locked up like a crazy depressed person (which he was, according to the files and medication), but they’d never been good at talking to him. If it were up to them, they would wait until Nina or Dr. Glazier came back in so they could make a sly escape, because facing the reality that their only son was in a hospital bed for what was probably assumed as an attempted suicide was that last thing they wanted to do. It was the last thing any detached parental figures would want to do, because it made it seem like they were the ones who messed up; they were the shitty parents who didn’t care.

“What’s gonna happen to me?” Dan rasped out, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. His throat was burning with emotion and his body was trembling, despite the sedatives entering his blood every second.

At his words Mary gasped out a harsh staccato sob, throwing one of her hands up over her mouth. She slumped back in her chair, hunching over as she cried.

Andrew rested a comforting hand on her back, rubbing up and down. He sighed as he gazed over at Dan. “Two weeks, starting Tuesday,” he whispered. “They’ll see where you’re at then, and make a decision on what route to take after.”

“I’m not crazy,” Dan choked out. He curled his hands into fists, the IVs tugging again. Dan didn’t feel it, though.

A tear ran down Andrews cheek and dripped off of his chin, landing on Mary’s cotton jumper and soaking up. He ran his free hand through his curly hair, tugging at the roots. “It’s policy to keep you for two weeks, no matter your case. I’m sorry, Bear,” he murmured. He tore his eyes away from his deteriorating son and down to his wife, who was shaking her head that rested in her palms.

“I- they think I’m crazy, don’t they?” Dan gasped, his anxiety being forced down by the medication each time it rose. Ironically, it made him even more nervous.

“Of course not, Dan. It’s simply a requirement no one can help,” Andrew tried to reason. His voice was thick with unshed tears, quiet and careful.

“Please stop lying to me, you’ve done enough of that,” Dan whispered painfully, dark eyes filled with disbelief. His chewed up lower lip was trembling in a pout.

“Bear, he isn’t lying to you-” Mary started, but Dan interrupted her.

“I want to go to sleep,” he suddenly shot out, turning his head the other direction pettily. A familiar anger bubbled inside of his chest at his parents lies, and the last thing he wanted to do was blow up and prove to everyone that he was, infact, mentally unstable and insane.

The two adults shared a sad glance, but eventually Mary shakily stood up from her seat. She bent over and pressed a kiss to Dan’s forehead before turning and walking out of the door without a word. The slam of the door seemed to echo endlessly in the room.

“We love you Dan, and we know you’ll get through this. We’ll be here every step of the way,” Andrew promised in a low voice, running his fingers through Dan’s sweaty and matted hair. 

Dan didn’t budge until the hand was removed and his father had exited the room. Only then did he let the rest of his angry and sad tears fall, staining his cheeks. He fell back against the elevated hospital bed, squeezing his eyes tightly together while he tried to control his breathing.

He wanted so badly to believe his parents cared and wanted him to improve, but after years of them piling lies upon lies he just didn’t know if he could.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise the next few chapters will be more interesting, but this one was necessary lmao


	20. Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear christ it's been two months i am so sorry ugh you know that #seasonaldepression!!!! 
> 
> anyway, tw for panic attacks and medication mentions
> 
> unedited

Silence. That was what Dan’s hospital room had been enveloped in for the past few days. There were constant machines beeping, and footsteps crackling against the tile floor, but it was so, so silent.

Dan hadn’t spoken to anyone except for Rhys, and the only reason he exchanged words with the older man was because they were forcing him to. There were no passes in this sanitary winterland of Hell. There were tiny white pills and angry needles shoved in pulsing veins, but there were no passes.

They all watched over him with their beady hawk eyes, counting his calorie intake (apparently he had been ten pounds below the recommended weight for a boy of his age and height), keeping tabs on his meds (not giving him too much as to develop an addiction, but just enough to keep him empty), and flushing away his panic with ‘calm’ words and ‘rehabilitating’ phrases (they didn’t work).

His mum had stopped visiting after the second day. She claimed that it had been too much for her to see her poor, poor baby in such a state of insanity, and maybe Dan would have cried about it if she hadn’t used the word ‘insanity’. She lied to him and he decided it was good riddance to her. At least his father had stayed, which was a surprise in itself.

It was Tuesday, the day Dan would move on from ‘Recovering Attempted Suicide Teenager’ to ‘Crazycrazycrazy Teenager Who Needs Little White Candies and Long Therapy Sessions To Feel Okay’. Rhys said he was being silly, that it was simply a precaution, and he would make sure Dan was out the day the two weeks ended. That would make Dan ‘Now Recovered Suicidal and Depressed Teenager’.

He was fucked no matter what, really.

\---

“You won’t be going to group therapy, and you will be rooming by yourself. You’ll meet with Dr. Rhys every day at ten in the morning, have a checkup with Nina at two, attend cognitive behavioral therapy at six, and be in bed by nine. Things will be added or removed depending on your progress, but we have strict instructions to keep you by yourself,” rushed out one of the rude nurses (her name was Gladys, how fitting) that had been assigned to Dan’s case. She was escorting him up to the Nut Floor, tapping her foot impatiently on the dirty lift floor.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He hated being alone. “Why?” he whispered, not making eye contact with the grouchy woman.

The woman sighed, flipping through papers on her clipboard. She found the page she was looking for, glancing over the messily scrawled words before looking over to Dan. “Stability, it seems. Says here that you’ve had panic attacks that were triggered by others around you. Your parents and Rhys are said to be the ones who requested it,” she stated in a monotone voice.

That made Dan even more confused. Rhys knew he hated being alone, it was a topic that had been brought up in almost all of Dan’s sessions.

“I don’t understand-”

“You’re going to have to ask Dr. Rhys, Daniel. I don’t have any more information on it.”

Dan nodded, frowning. He curled his bottom lip into his mouth, chewing on the chapped, raw skin. His jumper clad arms were crossed over his midsection, the nubs of his nails digging into the place right below the tops of his elbows. 

Gladys took notice of this, and tsked. “Those are habits you might not want to display in the next two weeks,” she said in a much softer and caring voice. She reached an olive toned hand over and grabbed Dan’s fingers gently, removing the harsh grip on his arm. 

Dan’s entire body tensed, but he didn’t dare fight her touches. He had learned the hard way that fighting against the nurses would only result in more sedatives for him. He unwillingly released his hand, moving his arms to rest by his sides.

Before either of them could say any more, the lift dinged and the door opened to reveal Dan’s new home for the next two weeks. It had an atmosphere that was even more melancholy than where he had been staying previously.

Gladys beckoned him out of the lift and through the hallways, stopping at a door with a window on each side. Through the windows Dan could see a bed, a desk, and a dresser, along with various machines that were in his other room. It was pristine with sharp edges, not a single thing out of place. Well, until Dan entered the room, that is.

“Your parents are bringing you some clothes while you visit with Rhys. They’re the only ones who will be visiting for the next two weeks. Visiting times are between noon and four o’clock on weekends, and between noon and eight on weekdays,” Gladys explained while messing with the drips and heart monitor by the bed.

Dan stayed slouched over by the door, his hands in tight fists by his sides. “Why do I need those?” he asked in a raspy voice. He eyed the machines wearily, the bruises in his inner elbows throbbing.

Gladys froze for a moment before glancing over at the cowering teenager. “Just a precaution. Pain medication in case your stomach starts bugging you, as we’re still making sure none of your organs were damaged. And sedatives as well.” She didn’t make eye contact with Dan.

“Right,” he choked out, biting down on his lip once again.

Gladys cleared her throat, turning her body towards Dan. She had finished fiddling with the drips, and her clipboard was secured under her arm. “You have about half an hour until Dr. Rhys will come to collect you. You’re instructed to stay in here until then.”

Dan frowned, tears threatening to make an appearance. “Y- you’re leaving?” he asked quietly. He subconsciously folded his arms around his torso, squeezing his sides tightly.

“Daniel, you know I’ve got other patients to tend for,” she said cautiously, sensing the tense mood Dan was suddenly falling into. “It’ll only be a bit until Rhys is here.”

“I know but- I don’t- I h- hate being alone,” Dan whimpered pathetically, closing in on himself even more. Bricks were hitting his chest, cotton clogging his throat, but he couldn’t. He could not break down, that wasn’t allowed.

Despite being told to stay as far away from Dan as she could when he was on the verge of panicking, Gladys stepped towards the teenager, placing her free hand on his shoulder (which tensed up, a warning sign) and lead him towards the small bed. She sat him down on the edge of the mattress, bending down to look into his eyes.

His jaw was clenched and his eyebrows were drawn together. It was clear Dan was doing everything he could not to start crying. He avoided the older woman's gaze, focusing his eyes on the tiled floor beneath his slipper-clad feet. His hands were quick to grab the bed sheets, gripping the fabric tightly.

“Do you want me to call someone to put an IV in so we can hook you up to the sedatives?” Gladys asked genuinely, as if that was something Dan would willingly agree to.

Over his dead body.

He snapped his eyes up to Gladys’s muddy green ones, glaring at her. “I’m fine,” he growled, leaning away from her. The situation only made his heart speed up faster, and Dan was beyond thankful he wasn’t hooked up to a heart monitor.

Gladys, who was shocked at the sudden mood swing, stood back up and took a few steps back, which caused some of the tension in Dan’s body to fall a bit. She held her hands up in front of her, watching as Dan seemed to count each of her fingers, before dropping his gaze back down. 

Her pager buzzed against her hip, making the two of them jump. She sighed, removing the device from her pocket and glancing at the screen. “I’ve really got to go, Daniel. I promise Rhys will be here soon,” she muttered, flicking her eyes over to the boy. 

He ignored her words and continued to stubbornly stare at the ground. The panic was still very much in his chest, but he had to wait at least until Gladys was gone (even though the thought of being alone in a hospital room for the first time since he’d arrived made him queasy). Even better, wait until he had his session with Rhys. 

Dan heard the nurse groan in annoyance quietly before she spoke up. “I’m closing the curtains. Press the red call button there,” she pointed beside his bed, “if you need someone. I’ll check on you before bed.”

Dan still didn’t respond, waiting until he heard the draw of the curtains and the click of the door before releasing his grip on the bed sheets. He lifted his head and looked around the room in distaste, frowning when he caught sight of the barred window.

Dan literally felt as if he was in prison. And in a way, he was.

\---

Dan hadn’t meant to fall asleep when Gladys left, he really hadn’t. He was just so exhausted from living and yeah, the bed wasn’t that comfortable, but as soon as he placed his head on the thin pillow his eyelids refused to stay open. He was shivering and shaking because it was so cold even though he was wearing a jumper and sweatpants, but he didn’t have the energy to pull the tiny fleece blanket over him. Instead he laid on top of it and brought his knees up to his chest, curling in a ball with his arms wrapped around his legs in the fetal position.

It wasn’t uncommon for Dan to dream about things that usually resulted in him waking up in the middle of a panic attack. It had happened all three nights in the other room, but he was hooked up to a drip that immediately let the medicine flood into his veins as soon as his heartbeat rose above a certain level. In other words, the attacks were over almost as soon as they started. That hadn’t been the case after he awoke from his nap.

For once, the nightmare wasn’t clear when he woke up. Dan had no idea what had plagued mind during his rather lengthy nap, rather than the fact that he was so, so fucking alone, but it was clearly quite unsettling. All he could process was the fear and dread.

He was well aware of the panic settling in his body before he actually woke up. Paring the actual dream with the very obvious weight on his chest as soon as he opened his eyes, he would’ve been shocked to not notice it. His fists were tightened around the thin sheets and his legs were shaking like a leaf. It was strange not to be immediately flooded with drugs that prevented the intense feelings hurtling at him full force, even though it had only been three days with such things, but he definitely felt worse than before. Dan had started to actually accept the constant emptiness from his panic (he still hated the sedatives, though).

Dan’s eyes ripped open, sobs threatening to tear through his throat. He pushed himself up on the bed quickly, wrapping his trembling arms around his gathered legs. His tear- glazed eyes swept over the white room, landing on the door that was slightly ajar. That meant someone had been in his room not too long ago, and Dan wasn’t sure to feel relieved or panic further.

His entire body was shaking profusely and his fingers were back to digging into his arms. A particularly intense wave of terror washed over Dan, and he let out of loud cry in response. He was faintly aware of his breathing speeding up, filling his lungs with cotton and causing pains to shoot through his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut, releasing more cries from his throat.

“Daniel?” a male voice said from the door. The sound of the door shutting echoed through the room, followed by footsteps approaching, growing closer and closer to Dan’s bed.

Dan began to shake his head quickly, keeping his eyes shut tight. “No, no, no,” he croaked out, willing his body to move further back on the small bed. His hands unravelled from around his knees, instead falling back behind him while he blindly scooted back.

The same voice, which Dan might’ve registered as Rhys had he not been in the middle of panicking, spoke up again, this time in an urgent, but still comforting tone. “Dan, I need you to open your eyes for me, can you do that?”

Still shaking his head, Dan let out another loud yelp. He thrusted his fingers through his curly hair (which had grown a bit since he had it cut) and threaded them through the locks, tugging harshly. The pain that resulted from his actions brought him back a tiny bit, but not nearly enough.

“Daniel, please open your eyes for me. You’re okay, you’re safe; it’s just me, Dr. Rhys. I’m here to help you,” he repeated in the soft voice he used when Dan was upset. “We work through these together, remember?”

Dan kept his fingers tightly knitted in his hair, but cracked open his eyes slightly. Through his blurry, tear clouded vision, he saw the familiar man standing a good few feet away, his hands raised up by his chest. He hurriedly counted each of the man's fingers, like he had with Gladys only hours before, before a small amount of relief spread through his chest. He was still very much hyperventilating, but his breathing was slowly evening out.

A tense smile surfaced on the older man’s face at the small progression. He carefully lowered his hands, taking notice of the way Dan’s eyes followed them all the way down. “Thank you, Dan. You’re doing so well, yeah? May I come closer?” he asked, preparing to make more space between the two of them if needed.

Although, surprisingly, Dan nodded hesitantly. His fingers tightened in his hair when the elder stepped towards the bed, but he remained still otherwise.

The doctor sat on the edge of Dan’s hospital bed gently, keeping his hands in Dan’s range of sight. He smiled encouragingly at the teenager. “Can you breathe with me? We don’t want you to overexert yourself,” he prompted. When Dan nodded once again, Rhys began an over exaggerated breathing exercise, watching Dan’s chest and face attentively. 

It took a good five minutes before Dan was breathing semi steadily again, but once he was, the grip on his hair loosened. Now that he was over the initial panic, he felt reason flooding back into his mind, but there were still tears leaking out of the corners of his bloodshot eyes.

“You’re doing great, Dan. Can we rate it now? Or would you rather sit for a bit first?” Rhys asked, encouraging eye contact by lowering his head to catch Dan’s gaze. 

Dan took one more deep breath, and then uncurled his fingers, lowering his arms to wrap around his knees once again. “Seven and a half,” he muttered, looking into Rhys comforting eyes nervously.

Rhys pursed his lips and nodded, letting out a melancholy sigh. “I’m proud of you for cooperating, Dan. I know this takes a lot out of you.”

Dan stayed silent for a few moments, curling his lip into his mouth. He was still on edge, flinching at every noise he heard. He cleared his throat, wincing at the sharp pains that sparked when doing so. “Why do you w- want me al- alone?” he whispered, shooting a small accusing look at his therapist.

Rhys sighed once more, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I think we should leave this for your session tomorrow, alright?”

Dan furrowed his eyebrows, about to protest when Rhys held up a hand. 

“You have a checkup with Nina in two hours, and I want you to sleep until then,” he stated firmly, giving Dan a pointed look.

Dan’s eyes widened in fear, his head shaking ‘no’ once again. “Rhys, I can’t sl- sleep right n- now, not after th- that,” he choked out.

“Dan, you know I don’t like doing this to you. But I’m calling a nurse in to hook you up to an IV and heart monitor. You need the rest. I won’t argue about it either.”

Dan would have put up more of a fight if he hadn’t been so worn out, but he couldn’t help to agree with Rhys to some extent. Of course he didn’t want to have another IV, as the bruises on the inside of his elbows were already so sore, but God damnit, he was so fucking tired. “Okay,” he whispered, nodding his head and breaking eye contact with the elder. 

“Alright, I’m glad that’s settled, then. I’ll be in after Nina to see how everything goes, and again before you have your cognitive behavioral therapy. A nurse should be up soon with your lunch and medication, and to hook you up to your IV. I’ll make the call now,” Rhys said, standing up from Dan’s bed. He took a glance at the small boy, a shock of sadness spreading through his chest.

“And Dan?” he whispered.

Dan looked up questioningly, crooking his head to the side like that of a dog. “Yes?”

“We’re going to get you proper help, alright? I promise that things will get better, no matter what. You’re a good kid, and you deserve the world,” he said quietly, a tear falling out of his eye.

A burning blush painted Dan’s cheeks and neck, but he nodded nonetheless. The words sent a meaningful spark of hopefulness and determination through his body, causing his toes and fingers to tingle. “Th- thank you, Rhys,” he muttered, casting his gaze back down to his crumpled bed sheet.

No other words were said as Rhys left, shutting the door firmly behind him. Dan leaned back against the headboard, stretching out his legs and sighing in exhaustion.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to comment and leave kudos and all of that jazz, i really appreciate it!!


	21. Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, and while i am very sorry, i also don't regret the small break i took because it gave me a bit of time to actually create an outline for the rest of the story, which i have been meaning to do for literally two years now. i appreciate the patience, and whilst i can't promise an updating schedule, know that things are hopefully going to be moving along smoother now. 
> 
> tw for *mentions* of self harm (so brief it's not even funny)
> 
> also there's phils pov in here wow go me.

“Okay.”

A surprised pause, followed by a hesitant breath in. “Just… Okay? No arguments?”

“Yes.”

“I mean- are you absolutely positive? You don’t have to make a decision right now, Daniel-”

Dan huffed, looking down at his criss crossed lap where his now consistently shaky hands rested. “I don’t know why you’re so shocked.”

“It’s just- well you usually put up more of a fight-”

He groaned this time, throwing his head back in exasperation. “I don’t think that you realize how much I hate going to school. It really fucking sucks, Rhys. I’d take online school over public anyday, I’ve been trying to tell my parents this for years.”

“But what about your friends?”

A harsh laugh erupted in the small room, bouncing off the walls maliciously. “What friends? After everyone finds out that I’ve been in the hospital for an assumed suicide attempt, literally no one will ever want to be around me ever again!” Dan hissed, furrowing his eyebrows angrily. “And any friends who I have previously possessed either like Gra- him better, or think that I hate them because I haven’t spoken to them in five days!” 

Dr. Rhys raised an eyebrow at Dan’s tone, which caused the teen to sigh. Dan frowned at the expression, shaking his head slightly.

“M’ sorry, I’m working on my outbursts,” he mumbled, just like his new behavioural therapist had told him to. He slumped down in the chair he was sat in, crossing his arms over his chest childishly.

“Dan, I think we need to talk about your coping methods,” Rhys said after a moment of silence. Dan had been so incredibly angry the past few days, which was understandable, but Rhys had never seen him get this bad before. 

Dan noticeably tensed up, his jaw clenching in irritation. “You told me we could wait on that,” he muttered angrily, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“The longer we put things off, the longer you have to stay, Daniel. I also told you that,” Rhys pointed out, raising a thick brow at the teen. This was often a topic they avoided, and Rhys had a feeling it was an extremely sensitive thing that Dan was very insecure about. It would help significantly to get it out of the way, or at least try.

Dan seemed to think it over for a bit, steadily chewing on his bottom lip and picking at his sweatpants, before sighing dramatically. “I don’t see why we have to discuss this,” he said bitterly. “It’s not like it’s going to make a difference.”

“We have to find you alternative ways to deal with your emotions. You can’t keep ignoring the way you feel, we’ve been over this.” 

“I don’t ignore it,” Dan mumbled, shrinking into himself. “I just… bottle it up, I guess.”

Rhys grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not entirely sure that’s better, Dan,” he said gently.

Dan winced as his teeth broke through the thin skin on his lip, reaching up and touching his bottom lip gently with his thumb. There was a bit of blood on the tip of his finger, so he placed the digit in his mouth, sucking on that instead of his cracked lip. 

He sighed, slumping his shoulders down further, if possible. “It’s embarrassing,” he whispered around his thumb. “A- and when I think or talk about it, I feel… dirty,” Dan added, the last word almost silent. He trained his gaze firmly on his lap, not daring to look up at Rhys.

A look of uncertainty crossed Rhys’s face. “What makes you feel dirty?” he asked quietly. This was the first time in a while that Dan had been honest and open about his more… physical coping method, and Rhys didn’t want to be overbearing. It was never something Dan went very into, so Rhys didn’t know a lot about it.

Dan stared at his lap for a few minutes, placing his hand back on his leg and trying to keep his breathing steady. He trusted Rhys, there was no doubt about it, but the last time this had been brought up around anyone, Dan ended up on a bathroom floor vomiting. That wasn’t really something he wanted to necessarily relive. 

“I don’t want you to think of me differently,” Dan whispered. In the rational part of Dan’s mind, he knew Rhys wouldn’t judge him. The man was here to help Dan, not to make him feel worse, but Dan valued his opinions so much that it would actually kill him if Rhys looked at him with anything resembling disgust in his generally kind eyes.

Rhys frowned, folding his hands in front of him. “You know that whatever you tell me will never change my view of you, Dan. I promise,” he replied, sending a comforting smile towards Dan as the teen looked up.

“I hate it, Rhys,” Dan whimpered. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them tightly. “Like, I’m not that kind of person, and it makes me so sick that my panic disorder turns me into someone I’m not. And it was kind of bearable when Grayson was still around, because he was my boyfriend, and boyfriends do that kind of stuff, but now it’s gotten to the point where I’m using the only person who has ever cared about me and my well being. I’m, like, such a shitty person, a- and I hate that having sex and snogging people makes my anxiety g- go away, because that’s so repulsive and unlikeable.” Dan had quickly turned into a puddle of snot and tears, and it was guaranteed that ugly sobs were on their way.

Rhys opened his mouth to reply, but Dan continued before he could. “I mean, I know that it’s better than other things that I could be using to cope, but it’s still just as toxic as it would be if I were, like, self harming, or self medicating, and I’m so f- fucking ashamed of myself for it.”

“You can’t be beating yourself up this much, Daniel. You learnt to deal with your disorder with someone constantly by your side, someone who could provide those distractions. You always had Grayson there when you needed someone to take your mind off of your anxiety. Believe it or not, it is actually quite common for people with mental illnesses who have partners to develop a more physical or sexual coping method. I’ve seen it a lot, especially in teenagers and young adults,” Rhys explained carefully. 

Dan sighed heavily, twiddling his thumbs in front of his knees. “That doesn’t make it any less embarrassing for me,” he mumbled. He reached a hand up to wipe off the tears leaking down his cheek, the movement stiff and full of frustration. He huffed again, slamming his feet onto the ground below him and standing up. 

“Look, Rhys, can we just- I can’t talk about this right now, and I’m hungry, and I just really want a nap. I don’t fucking care if I have to stay longer, I just- this is too much right now, okay? I opened up and we can talk about this tomorrow, because I know Dr. Lee will make me talk about it with you, but I’m tired and, shit- I can’t handle this,” he choked out in exasperation. “I’m not always magically ready to talk about my problems, and I was already feeling a bit irritated when I woke up this morning, so I’d really appreciate it if you just let me have a pass for once,” Dan added, threading his hands through his hair and tugging.

“Daniel, we still have another twenty minutes in this session-”

“Fuck, Dr. Rhys! I don’t- I can’t be bothered to care, okay? I’ve been nonstop talking about all of my bloody issues since I got here and it’s tiring! This whole thing is just a constant reminder of how fucked up I am and all it’s doing is making me feel worse! So just- give me this, please? I haven’t eaten anything since seven and my stomach is killing me!”

Rhys stared at Dan calculatingly, taking acute notice of the way his legs were shaking and his fingers tight grip on his slightly overgrown hair. He sighed, nodding his head at the flustered teenager. “Very well. Head down to the canteen, I’ll send Nina to check on you early so you can rest before therapy, yeah?”

The tension visibly left Dan’s body, his shoulders slumping and his jaw loosening. Dan nodded, taking his hands out of his hair and wrapping them around his midsection. “Thank you,” he whispered, his voice still thick with unshed tears. 

“This is your last pass, Dan. I don’t want you to be in here any longer than you have to, alright? I’ll see you later.”

Dan nodded again, not really paying attention to the older man's words. He grabbed the blanket he’d taken to carrying around everywhere from the back of his chair and wrapped it around his shoulders, quickly making his way towards the door. Dan paused once his hand was gripped firmly on the handle, turning back towards Rhys. “I- um, I’m sorry, for my outburst. I’m working on them,” he whispered, not making eye contact.

He didn’t wait for Rhys to reply as he threw the door open, practically running out of the room.

\---

“Phil, you’ve been attached to your phone for days now. What’s got you worrying so much lately?”

Phil’s head snapped up at the sound of his older sister's voice. She was standing in his doorway with a concerned look on her face, her thin arms crossed over her torso.

Phil sighed, slumping against the back of his desk chair. “Dan hasn’t answered any of my texts for the last four days. He hasn’t even read them,” Phil grumbled, his lower lip caught in a pout. His iPhone was gripped tightly in his right hand, open to the thread of messages he had desperately been sending his friend. “He always replies.”

The nineteen year old furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, stepping fully into the small room and closing the door tight. She sat down on Phil’s unmade bed, patting the spot next to her. “Let’s talk,” she said, smiling tersely at her younger brother. There was a slight hesitation in her voice, and somehow Phil knew the conversation wouldn’t end well.

He nodded in reply anyways, pushing himself out of the chair and plonking himself down next to his sister. He rested his head on her shoulder, letting out a long sigh. “I’m just so worried, Mara,” he mumbled. “What if I really fucked up this time? I don’t wanna lose him.” Phil’s voice was quickly filling with regret and sadness, unshed tears burning his eyes.

Mara put her arm around Phil’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “Phil, I don’t know anyone in the entire world who would want to lose you as a friend. You’re the most caring, kind, and loving person I’ve ever met, and if Dan doesn’t see that, then he isn’t worth it,” she whispered into his hair, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

“But he is worth it, Mar! And not many people see that, because they can’t look past his disorder! He’s had so many horrible things happen to him because of it, too. It’s not fair, he’s such an amazing person, and he deserves so much better than the shit he’s been given,” Phil exclaimed. He huffed in irritation, glancing down at his phone once again. Nothing.

Mara sighed, shaking her head. “Maybe he’s still trying to figure out what happened between the two of you. He’s probably really confused, Phil. Someone who’s been in a committed relationship for as long as he was can get completely thrown off of the tracks when it ends,” she suggested. “And maybe it’s best for you two to keep some distance right now. The way Dan has been physically using you to cope with his issues isn’t right,” Mara added, a slight venom in her tone.

Phil tensed at her words. It would kill him to distance himself from Dan, even with what had happened the last time Phil saw him (he still couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling when he thought of the awkwardness that had occurred when the pair had woken up, though). “He can’t help it. And I was the one who initiated it the last time,” Phil growled, glaring at the device clutched in his hand. He should’ve seen this coming.

The comforting arm that had been draped around Phil’s shoulders retracted. Mara groaned, pushing her delicate hands through her light brown hair in aggravation. “All he’s going to do is hurt you, Phil. You have feelings for him, and he knows that, so he thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. Not to mention his disorder, which seems to cause a hell of a lot more problems for you than it does him,” she spat back in response.

Phil’s jaw dropped, and he immediately glared at his older sister. “You can’t fucking say that, Mara! He has a serious mental illness, one that can literally cripple him when it gets bad enough! Dan isn’t some stupid preteen on the internet asking for attention by constantly posting about his relationship problems and some made up mental illness!” Phil yelled, pushing himself off of the bed. He clenched his fists at his sides, his phone still within his grip. “And he doesn’t even know that I have feelings for him! He’s oblivious in that department, and I would never drop that on someone who just caught their boyfriend of three years cheating on them!”

Mara scoffed, rolling her eyes and standing up off of the bed. She glowered up at Phil (as he was a good half foot taller than her) and sneered at him. “You treat this kid like he’s a fucking puppy that’s been kicked! This entire situation is just going to end up with you getting used again,like you always do! You’re too nice for your own good! Neither mum or myself want to see that happen to you-”

A sheet of anger settled over Phil’s narrowed eyes, and hot tears began dribbling down his cheeks. “Get out,” he seethed, pointing a now trembling hand towards his door.

Mara’s expression suddenly transformed into one of regret, her steel blue eyes wide. “Phil, I’m so sorry, you know I didn’t mean-” she began, but the ringing of Phil’s phone interrupted her.

Phil’s eyes shot to the screen, confusion settling in his chest when he saw it was Chris calling. He slid the ‘accept’ button with his shaking thumb, pulling the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?” he said, his voice cracking slightly. He turned away from his sister, who was looking at him with pleading eyes. He couldn’t deal with her overprotective tendencies anymore.

“Phil! Alright mate?” Chris asked, a bit too enthusiastically. There was something bubbling under the perky tone, and it immediately sparked concern into Phil’s mind.

“M’fine,” Phil mumbled, “what’s up?”

There was a short pause on the other line, and Phil’s stomach filled with worry. Chris never called him, rarely even texted him if he was being honest. They weren’t very close, the only tether in their relationship being Dan.

“I- Dan’s parents just rang my mum,” he breathed, sadness clearly present in his usually peppy voice. All of the warmth left Chris’s words, leaving behind an icy cold tone that made Phil shiver.

Phil’s eyes widened, a burning sensation settling in his throat at Chris’s tone. “Is he okay? He hasn’t answered my texts in, like, four days?” 

“Um- he probably won’t be doing so for a while. Or, at least a couple of weeks,” Chris muttered.

“What do you mean? Is he like, grounded or something?” Phil whispered in confusion. 

Chris sighed, and Phil could practically see him pinching the bridge of his nose. “Um, no he’s- he’s not grounded. I- he’s act- actually- Dan’s in the h- hospital,” he whispered. “I- um- my mum wasn’t supposed to tell me why, but Dan’s my best friend, and I w- wouldn’t stop asking, but you have to pr- promise not to say anything,” he added, his voice breaking. “To anyone.”

Phil’s shoulders slumped, all of the air leaving his body. He shakily sat down on the ground, leaning against the side of his bed. “Yeah I- of course I won’t s- say anything,” he breathed, coursing a quivering hand through his unwashed hair. 

“God, Phil, I can’t even believe I have to say this out loud,” Chris choked. He audibly gulped, his breathing loud and thick. “He almost overdosed on his pills and his dad’s liquor. My mum said th- that he could’ve- you know,” Chris muttered.

Both boys were silent for a moment, the only sounds resonating through the phone being their heavy breathing. Mara had a confused look on her face, still standing by Phil.

“I can’t fucking- I don’t understand!” Chris suddenly exclaimed into the phone. “He always promised that he didn’t f- feel that way, that it never got th- that bad!”

Phil’s entire face was scrunched up, scalding tears burning tracks onto his cheeks and dripping into his lap, sizzling as they touched his boxer-clad legs. He was well aware of his hands trembling, and his heart beating much, much faster than it usually did. It was painful, even.

Is that what Dan felt like almost every single day?

“I don’t believe it,” Phil whispered, shaking his head. He faintly heard his bedroom door open and close again, his sister leaving him alone, but he couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge it.

Chris scoffed, the noise clouded with snot and tears. “Well you better start,” he said, chuckling hollowly. 

“No Chris, I don’t- that’s not what I mean,” Phil said quietly. The only thing on his mind was the conversation he had had with Dan at the ungodly hour of two AM all those weeks ago. Dan had sounded so upset, so unlively, but he also sounded so sure that he was at least a tad bit okay, that he wasn’t actually considering the option of death.

“Well what do you mean, then? Because my best fucking friend is in the hospital right now for apparently trying to kill himself, and there’s not much you can say that’ll make me believe it wasn’t by choice!” Chris heaved, malice flooding his voice.

Phil flinched, almost dropping his phone. His entire body was positively quaking at this point, panicked tremors hitting him from every angle. “H- he told m- me, Chris,” Phil croaked, tugging harshly on his hair. “He told m- me that he’s j- just empty. He doesn’t wanna die, he j- just wants to feel some- thing, Grayson made h- him feel things, s- so many things, and he just w- wants that b- back!”

Chris was silent for a few minutes, leaving Phil to quietly sob on the other line. If it had been any other case, Chris would’ve felt horrible for making Phil breakdown, but all that was on his mind was Dan, Dan, Dan.

Phil jumped when Chris gasped, tightening the grip on his hair. He tried to quiet himself down to hear better, but it was easier said than done. 

“He saw Grayson,” Chris muttered, the sound of his voice seemingly echoing through the phone. “I can’t believe I didn’t make the connection, God dammit, I’m so- fuck!” he swore. “He saw him and his younger brother while we were in Tescos, but Grayson wouldn’t- he wouldn’t speak to me when I passed him. He looked like he’d seen a ghost,” Chris panted. “I tried calling Dan, but he wouldn’t answer, so I went to his house and no one was home. I’m so fucking stupid,” he huffed, and Phil could practically see him pulling on his mousy brown hair.

Phil shook his head, closing his eyes. “Chris, you never could have known. Dan’s very unpredictable, please don’t put this on yourself,” he whispered. “That’s not fair on anyone, especially you.”

“I should’ve stayed with him, Phil. I’m such a bad best friend, I knew he was having a bad day, fuck,” Chris mumbled, something in his voice changing. He sounded significantly more sad than he had previously, a huge contrast to the overwhelming frustration that had filled his tone before.

“Chris, please. Dan wouldn’t blame this on you, you know that.”

Chris sighed down the phone line, an almost inaudible sob crawling its way out of his throat. “I don’t know what to do,” he croaked. “I always know how to make him feel better, but lately I’ve just been so rubbish at it and I don’t deserve him, shit.”

“Dan needs help, Chris. Professional help that you can’t give him, and that I can’t give him. It was only a matter of time until he snapped, and I think you know that as well as I do. I love him, Chris, and this hurts me too, but all we can do now is be there for him while he tries to get better, okay?” Phil replied, finally finding his sense of reason. His voice was still very weak, and thoughts of Dan laying limp in a hospital bed were consistently flooding his mind, but he knew he had to be strong. Not only for Dan, but for himself and Chris as well.

Chris was quiet for a good amount of time, but when he did speak up, Phil knew he had listened. “I- you’re right, and I’m happy he’s finally going to get proper help. I just wish the circumstances were a bit different, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it. Trust me.”

“Right. Well, um, I gotta go. I’m really sorry, Phil. And thank you, for saying what you did,” Chris murmured, as if he was embarrassed to say it.

“Of course,” Phil said, chewing on his lip. “Anytime, you know that. I’ll chat with you later, yeah? Get some rest.”

“Um, yeah, you too. I’ll see you ‘round, okay?”

Phil nodded, and soon enough the dial tone was ringing in his ear.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a kudos and comment!! (^:


	22. Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuses as to why this has taken so long other than i've literally been,,, mentally dying so. i've come to the realization that i still have so muhc,, of this fucking,, story to write and it's almost been two years and sometimes im like?? is this worth it?? it is but got damn im a mess
> 
> this is long as heck btw
> 
> thank all of u for sticking with me because i am The Worst ohmygod (espesh those who have been here since the beginning, you guys are dedicated as fuck)
> 
> also,, ps if you are interested in the YOI fandom thing, one of my bestest pals wrote this amazing one shot.. like i've not even seen the show and this shit made me actually sob so if u want you should go check out 'Gray' by fluffyloser on here because it's so good and she worked so fucking hard (harder than i've worked on this tbh) and she deserves to hear how good it is):
> 
> it only goes downhill from here, folks.
> 
> *not edited but is it ever*

The first good day Dan had at the hospital was when Rhys notified him that Dan’s parents had given the okay for visitors. The older man had mentioned that it took quite a bit of persuading on Mary’s side, but eventually Andrew was able to make her crack. Rhys had even pitched in, noting that Dan had been making remarkable progress during their sessions (and even if he was stretching the truth a bit, who had to know?)

Dan had broken out into heavy sobs as soon as Rhys entered his room ten minutes ago and delivered the news. Clearly the majority of the tears were filled with happiness and relief, but Dan couldn’t help but feel anxious and panic driven at the thought of seeing his friends. He was in the hospital for a reason, and he knew that wouldn’t be ignored. The entire situation was rather mortifying: no one could try and convince him otherwise.

“Your father is in the lobby. He’s brought your phone, so once we’re done here you can call someone, alright? Then they can come after your cognitive therapy.” Rhys said, smiling down at Dan.

Dan nodded, rubbing at his damp eyes. “Thank you so much,” he croaked out, laughing breathlessly. “This means more than you think.”

Rhys smiled at Dan, clearing his throat after giving Dan a moment to gather himself. “We have all of the tests back from when you were first admitted, and it seems as though no serious damage was done to any of your organs, or stomach, which is good,” he said, voice slightly more serious. 

Dan breathed deeply, biting his lip anxiously. “Why do I feel as if there’s a ‘but’ after that?” 

“We’re afraid that there might be some withdrawal symptoms, unfortunately. Most of which have been actively hidden, considering the medication Dr. Glazier has you on now contains benzodiazepine, but both myself and your CBT therapist have seen some underlying signs.”

“I haven’t- I don’t feel any different, though?” Dan said hesitantly, picking at his sweatpants. He dropped eye contact with the older man, inside casting his gaze to his lap.

“It’s been almost purely behavioural changes that we’ve noticed. They’re quite obvious to myself as I’ve been your therapist for almost five years now, whereas the others have just assumed it was you acting out,” Rhys explained, tapping his foot.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows anxiously, quickly reflecting back on everything he had said and done in the past week. As far as he knew, there wasn’t much of a difference in his attitude. “Like what?” he asked. 

“Anger, mostly. Also the lack of the proper panic that you typically have and the increase in your physical anxiety, like your hands,” Rhys stated.

Dan scoffed, rolling his eyes. An unknown feeling entered his stomach, one he’d been having for the past few days, causing him to feel more uneasy. “Has it occurred to you lot that I might just be stressed?” He spat out, sending a glare towards Rhys. Dan wasn’t feeling any different, and he certainly wasn’t angry-

Oh. 

Dr. Rhys pursed his lips sympathetically when Dan’s shoulders dropped. “It’s nothing we can’t fix, Dan,” He said quietly, watching as the teens eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. 

“Have I even made any progress at all?” Dan whispered, looking up at Rhys with pleading eyes. It was so overwhelming, and Dan just couldn’t get a single break. “Because I feel like I’ve just been getting worse and worse, and I only have, like, a week and a couple of days left here, which doesn’t feel like enough time for me to get any better.”

“Dan, you know first hand you can’t get better overnight. Your panic disorder is something you’re going to have all of your life, and sure, it can get better, but you’ll never be entirely healed. These two weeks are the result of what you’re insisting is a misunderstanding, and the purpose of them is not for you to be entirely okay by the end of it. The purpose is to make sure you’re safe and feel good enough to continue your regular life without being a threat to anyone, including yourself,” Rhys explained, sitting down beside Dan. 

“I have no doubt in me that you’ll be out by the end of the two weeks. This is just a precaution to make sure you don’t feel like you did last week ever again, okay? And you have made progress, whether or not you’ve seen it yourself.”

Dan stared at the ground as Dr. Rhys spoke, his eyebrows furrowed and his hands clenching the bedsheets underneath him. After he’d taken a moment to process the elder man’s words, he sighed. “I’m scared,” Dan whispered, looking over to Rhys.

“What are you scared of?” Rhys asked, searching Dan’s melancholy eyes curiously.

Dan chuckled humorously, shaking his head. “Better question would be what I’m not afraid of, but…” he trailed off, shoving a hand through his unkempt hair. Dan huffed, tugging gently on the locks in between his fingers, and continued. 

“The panic attacks, getting addicted to drugs, losing the people I care about,” he listed quietly. There was a moment of hesitation before he dropped his hand back onto the bed, tearing his gaze from Rhys. “Living,” Dan whispered, biting his lip.

“Can you elaborate on that one for me? Only if you’re comfortable, of course.”

Dan nodded, taking a few deep breaths in and out to calm his nerves a bit. He twisted his hands together on his lap, gathering his thoughts. “I feel like everything I’ve been living for for the past three years of my life has just- just disappeared, you know? I didn’t really have a plan to begin with, so having the only stability I have ever possessed in my life ripped away from my grasp has completely, like, thrown me off track. I- I don’t feel motivated anymore, and it’s like my panic disorder and anxiety has completely taken over my life,” Dan elaborated, each word quieter than the last. 

“That’s not the life I want to live,” he added. “These past few months have been so rubbish, and I ask myself every day if I even have anything to look forward to in my future. I don’t have any hobbies or talents, and I’m certainly not smart enough to become anything meaningful,” Dan sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning his head on his hands. He stared down at the scuffed floor beneath his feet for a moment, mulling over any lingering thoughts or feelings Rhys might’ve deemed worth sharing. There wasn’t much that was too important, or that wouldn’t be brought up in the next week, so Dan slumped his shoulders, allowing himself a moment of true, genuine weakness. He deserved it.

“It just sucks. God, it sucks so much. Fuck this, Rhys. Fuck it all. I want- I want to be happy for once, God damnit,” Dan choked out, squeezing his eyes shut. Tears were quickly making their way down Dan’s flushed cheeks, dripping from his neck onto his lap.

It was quite clear Rhys didn’t really know how to reply. It had always been quite difficult to get Dan to actually talk to him, especially in the last year, so the recent pattern of Dan revealing everything he felt and more completely caught the older man off guard. It was terribly unprofessional, but Rhys couldn’t help it.

Dan was fast to catch on to the confusion practically radiating off of his therapist and took the rare opportunity to change the subject. He was reaching his ‘problem sharing’ threshold once again, and he wanted nothing more than for one of his friends to just hold him and distract him (preferably Phil, but at this point Dan would even take PJ, who he hadn’t really spoken to since Phil had come around).

“Can we go meet up with my dad now? I’m sure he’s getting impatient,” Dan said, breaking the slightly tense silence with his scratchy voice. “I- I know I am.”

Rhys thoughtful gaze flickered over to Dan and he gave the teenager a tight lipped smile. “That’s probably best, I suppose,” he mumbled, scraping a hand through his greying hair. He was getting too old for this.

Dan nodded, pushing himself off of the bed and onto his trembling legs. He grabbed the soft blanket that was now apart of his daily wardrobe from its crumpled state on the small bed, wrapping it tightly around his shoulders. The fluffy piece of fabric was quickly becoming Dan’s main form of comfort, almost never leaving his side and causing bits of panic to rush through his chest when one of the nurses moved it. Rhys still wasn’t entirely sure this was a healthy habit to develop, but they’d cross that road when they got there. 

Rhys followed Dan’s movements with his eyes before getting up himself, noting how much the boy was shaking. He’d have to bring it up at some point, but it was relatively obvious that Dan was insecure about it. Rhys didn’t want to upset him further-

“Nina’s noticed it, too,” Dan whispered, as if he could read the elder’s mind. He lowered his gaze, shrinking in on himself and making his already petite frame appear even smaller. 

Dr. Rhys patted Dan’s shoulder comfortingly, offering a sympathetic smile. “Not a big deal, alright? We can address that if it becomes something that we need to fix.”

Curling in his bottom lip, Dan nodded, sidestepping and letting his therapist's’ hand fall from his arm. “Thanks,” he muttered, moving closer towards to door. “Not somethin’ I wanna talk about much, anyways.”

“Perfectly fine, Dan,” Rhys reaffirmed. “Now, I think it’s about time you get some company, yeah?” he asked, giving a smile that didn’t quite reach his aging eyes. 

Dan hummed tersely in response, following close behind the taller man as he exited the room and led Dan towards the canteen. 

Dan didn’t have the heart to mention that he knew the way like the back of his hand.

\---

Dan squeaked in surprise as a pair of warm, familiar arms that felt like home engulfed him as soon as he stepped foot in his usually bleak hospital room. It caught Dan a bit off guard, as he had just finished another round of cognitive behavioral therapy (that always left him on edge), but a genuine smile was soon stretched across his face for the first time in, well, weeks. He was quick to bury himself in Phil’s hold, tears of joy leaking out of the corners of his eyes.

“Fuck, I was so worried about you. Never, ever, do that to me again. Promise me. I- fuck, just- promise me, Dan,” Phil whispered into the shorter boy’s matted curls. Phil squeezed Dan tightly, his hands gripping the blanket that was draped over Dan’s shoulders. 

Dan nodded against Phil’s chest, mumbling quiet apologies under his breath as he simply took in the boy wrapped around him. Dan had missed him so dearly, that much was clear. He felt ten times better in that moment than he had since he’d arrived, and it was so relieving. “I promise, Phil, God, I promise,” he croaked out, inhaling the warm scent that Phil somehow always seemed to possess.

It was only when the nurse who had taken Dan back to his room cleared her throat that the two boys pulled apart. She’d smiled tensely at the two before reminding Dan and Phil visiting hours ended at eight, and that herself or some other nurse would be in to check on Dan at some point in the next few hours. Rhys had made sure that Dan’s CBT was scheduled a bit earlier than normal, ending at five thirty rather than six thirty, so the two boys had two and a half hours to catch up.

Really, it wasn’t nearly enough time, but Dan supposed he would take what he could get.

Once the nurse had left, making sure to close Dan’s curtains and shut the door behind her, Dan immediately pulled Phil towards his small bed. He was in desperate need of some cuddles, and maybe a nap. Preferably a nap, but Dan knew they needed to talk first.

Phil eagerly went along with Dan’s antics, resting himself against the headboard and opening his arms up for Dan to crawl into. Dan had seemingly gotten even thinner since the last time Phil saw him, and he couldn’t help the spark of worry that settled itself deep in his stomach. Dan used to fit so perfectly in his arms, but now there were too many harsh edges and empty spaces. 

Dan sat straddling Phil, the position not the slightest bit sexual. He wrapped his arms (followed shortly by his blanket) around Phil's torso, nestling his head gently in the juncture that connected Phil’s shoulder and neck. The feeling of Phil’s lean arms folding around Dan’s back made more than half of the tension leave Dan’s body, and he relaxed further into Phil. It was all so familiar, so comforting, and Dan was positively relishing in it.

“I missed you,” Phil murmured, running his fingers up and down the expanse of Dan’s clothed back. He could feel every single bump of Dan’s spine, every breath in and out the younger took, every tremor that passed through his body. It was odd, how homey this all felt. 

“V’missed you, too. More than you think,” Dan whispered back, his breath fanning out across Phil’s neck. He closed his eyes, nuzzling his nose against Phil’s warm, smooth skin. “Been so lonely, Phil. They wouldn’t let me see anyone but my parents for the past week. The nurses are stuffy and hollow, and even Dr. Rhys is getting tired of me,” Dan mumbled, gripping the loose fabric of Phil’s jumper securely. “It sucks so bad. Just wan’ go home.”

Phil pressed a gentle, reassuring kiss to Dan’s head. He hated to hear the defeat in Dan’s honey-like voice. “But you’ll be out in no time, yeah? An’ I’ll visit every single day until you can go home, promise. Maybe I can even get Chris to come as well, okay? Sound good?” Phil asked, squeezing Dan’s side lightly. 

Dan squirmed, a small giggle escaping his lips and soaking into Phil’s skin. He lifted his head up, smiling warm heartedly and nodding. There were still unshed tears glistening in his coffee eyes, and Dan wasn’t entirely sure whether they were happy or not, but the sight of Phil’s caring eyes were enough to take his mind off of it.

“Thank you,” Dan breathed, flicking his gaze between Phil’s cerulean eyes. Phil grinned in response, lifting a hand up to push back Dan’s mussed up curls.

They sat quietly for a few minutes, Dan resting his head on Phil’s chest and memorizing his body once again, while Phil played with and tugged on Dan’s hair gently. It would’ve been lovely to simply stay there for hours in silence, just basking in the other, but there were obvious unsaid words lingering in the antiseptic smelling air, words that Dan and Phil both needed to say and hear. 

Dan needed this, not only for Phil, but for himself. Before he could continue his discussion with Rhys about coping methods, he had to clear things up with Phil. Phil deserved it as well; he meant the world to Dan, and Dan would absolutely despise himself if he left Phil with no closure as to why Dan had acted the way that he did in the past. It was best for both of them, and that’s what Dan was trying to assure himself of as the anxiety began to build in his chest.

“Phil, I really need to apologize to you,” Dan said shakily, lifting his head up once again to meet Phil’s unsure gaze. He released his grip on Phil’s sweater and carefully shifted back on Phil’s lap, resting himself right above the other’s knees instead. Dan twisted his trembling hands together nervously, looking down at them instead of up at Phil.

“Dan, you really don’t need to-” Phil started, but he stopped when Dan shot him a pleading look. He pursed his lips together and nodded instead, placing on of his hands on top of Dan’s joined ones to ground him.

Dan took in a shaky breath, returning his gaze to his (and Phil’s, apparently) hands. “I- I’ve taken advantage of y- you, more than once, and that was so, so very wrong of me,” Dan began, shifting uneasily. “I won’t ever forgive myself for that, because you’re my best friend and have given me more than I could’ve asked for. It’s just, like- this stupid fucking disorder has just completely fucked me over, and I’m sick and tired of pretending I can get away with stuff like that because my mind isn’t right,” he continued, voice growing weaker and weaker. The tears that had been pretty well contained before were now freely falling once again.

“I should’ve never asked you to- to k- kiss me, that day. That was so horrible of me, Phil. I just- the entire time I’ve dealt with my panic disorder and anxiety, I’ve had someone beside me that could distract me, and it- it usually ended up being a physical distraction. I guess having s- sex with someone for two and a half years every time you have a fucking panic attack sticks with you, and I didn’t- I was so fucked up that day, Phil,” Dan gasped, a small sob escaping his throat. “I couldn’t deal with my o- own emotions, and it w- was so fucking wrong of me to force you into doing what we d- did. And the second t- time was even worse-”

Phil was quick to place his hands on either of Dan’s cheeks, lifting the younger’s head up so he could look at him properly. “Don’t you dare apologize for the second time, Dan. That was me, alright? I was the one who initiated that because-” Phil paused, debating whether or not to continue. Surely Dan knew- it wasn't as if he actively tried to hide his feelings. Maybe it would make things more complicated in the long run, but Dan didn’t deserve to be lied to anymore, especially if it was affecting him this much.

“I initiated it because I- I’m in love with you, Dan, and I won’t stand for you apologizing because of me,” Phil whispered, his lower lip trembling. There were tear tracks on his porcelain skin, the whites of his eyes red as well. Regardless of how terrible he felt, it was a weight lifted off of his chest nonetheless.

So Chris hadn’t been lying, Dan realized. He probably would’ve reacted more to Phil’s proclamation had he not been in the middle of a break down, but Dan was entirely too focused on apologizing. Dan shook his head, his somber gaze cutting into Phil life a knife. “But I let you, Phil. If anyone was being selfish, it was me! You were just t- trying to calm me down, I was the one who took advantage of your feelings-”

“Dan, please,” Phil breathed, wiping his thumbs under Dan’s swollen eyes. “I wasn’t in the right, neither of us were. It was just as much me as it was you. And I accept your apology ten times over. I’m sorry too. Please, just stop beating yourself up over this,” he begged, keeping his gaze locked on Dan’s.

“I used you,” Dan whimpered, curling his bottom lip into his mouth. “I’m so- that’s s- so dirty, Phil.”

Phil felt his heart physically drop into his stomach as soon as those words left Dan’s chapped lips. He immediately pulled Dan back to his chest, intertwining his fingers into the messy ringlets sat atop Dan’s head. He felt the smaller boy sob into his chest, Dan’s slender fingers practically clawing at Phil’s clothed back. 

“Don’t you ever say that again, Dan,” Phil said firmly, squeezing him tightly. “You didn’t use me, and you are not dirty, you’re absolutely n- not.” A sob of his own escaped his chest, the sound muffled as Phil pressed his mouth to the top of Dan’s head. 

Dan heaved his cries into the older boy’s chest, dampening the soft jumper underneath his face with a disgusting mixture of snot, tears, and saliva. The feeling in his chest was so familiar, but he wasn’t panicking, no that wasn’t it at all. Dan’s chest was full of absolute hatred towards himself, and it leaked out of him like water out of a broken faucet as he broke down in Phil’s arms.

“I- I- I d- don’t des- deserve y- you,” Dan blubbered, hiccups sounding throughout the room along with the cries. 

“I love you, so, so much Dan. You are the b- best thing that has ever happened to me, and I’ll be damned if you think you don’t deserve me,” Phil whispered, the words barely audible over the whimpering coming from Dan. “You didn’t use me or take advantage of my feelings, okay? Please believe me when I say that. You mean the world to me, and never have I once felt as if you didn’t deserve me. You’ve changed my life in such a small amount of time and I will be eternally grateful for that.”

Dan’s sobs had subsided slightly, enough so that he could comprehend almost all of what Phil was murmuring into his ear. “B- but I d- don’t love y- you b- back, the w- way y- you love m- me,” he choked out, biting down on his lower lip harshly.

Phil hated to admit that that stung quite a bit, but it wasn’t as if he was expecting Dan to return his feelings. “I love you in every way, Dan. You’re my best friend, and nothing could ever change that.”

“I love y- you l- like a best- friend,” Dan hiccupped sadly, flinching as pain fled his chest. All of the crying had left him in a small state of hyperventilation, the air not quite reaching his lungs, causing the hiccups to only grow worse. He sat up suddenly, his hands flying to his chest. 

“C- can’t b- breathe, Phil,” Dan whimpered through his hiccups, his eyes wide in panic. His hands, which were trembling more than ever, began clawing at his clothed chest pitifully.

Phil gripped Dan’s arms, bringing them away from his chest. He placed one on Dan’s belly and the other on his chest, sitting up straight as he did so. Phil caught Dan’s panicked gaze, softening his eyes so he wouldn’t make it any worse. “I need you to breathe in through your nose, and out through pursed lips. Can you do that for me? Copy me?” Phil asked, beginning to follow his own instructions as to persuade Dan.

“Can you feel the breaths under your hands?” Phil murmured, placing his hands on top of Dan’s. The touch seemed to reassure the brunette a bit, as he made more of an effort to keep Phil’s gaze.

It took a bit before Dan calmed down enough to actually understand Phil’s instructions, but as soon as he did he was nervously nodding along, still short of breath and a bit panicky. The hiccups were slowly fading away as he repeated Phil’s directions for the fifth, sixth time, and by the tenth he was finally breathing moderately even.

Dan slumped his entire body against Phil’s once his lungs were full of oxygen once again and his heartbeat at a nicer rhythm. His fingers found their way to Phil’s, their hands intertwining perfectly in sync. “Thank you,” Dan hummed, his voice croaky and showing obvious signs of misuse. “For everything. A- and I’m still s- sorry.”

Phil simply nodded against Dan’s head. He slid further down the bed, Dan rolling over slightly so Phil could situate his body next to his. “Of course. I’m sorry, too,” Phil mumbled, smiling tiredly at Dan before pulling the significantly smaller boy to his chest once more.

Dan flipped his body around so Phil was properly spooning him, intertwining their legs almost second handedly. This position was natural to the pair now, and Dan couldn’t decided whether that should worry him or not. It was something they could sort out later, Dan supposed. Much like the rest of his issues, it seemed. 

“We haven’t gotten to nap together in forever,” Dan whispered, a hopeful tone laced in his drowsy voice. He wiggled further back into Phil’s embrace, almost too aware of the hand that laid delicately on his hip.

“Dan, I have to leave in, like, an hour and some,” Phil murmured back. Dan’s quick mood change would have surprised him if he hadn’t know him so well. The only sign of Dan’s breakdown other than his obvious outward appearance was his trembling body and the rawness of his otherwise soft voice.

“Nina will wake you up,” Dan said confidently, resting his hand on Phil’s arm.

“I don’t know, Dan. I don’t want either of us to get into any trouble…” Phil trailed off, stroking the other boy’s hip.

Dan sighed heavily, his body curling inwards and losing every trace of the previous confidence. “Please, Phil?” Dan asked, defeat evident in the rough tones of his voice. “I need this.” The words came out in what was close to a whimper, and Dan was sure glad Phil couldn’t see the small trail of tears that were running down his already stained face. 

Maybe he couldn’t see it, but Phil could hear the way Dan’s voice stuffed up, and how his legs stiffened under and above Phil’s. Phil huffed quietly, deciding that maybe they both deserved a nap anyways. Surely Dan would sort it out if it was brought up when Phil left, and if he didn’t, then Phil would find a way to make sure it wasn’t a problem.

“How do I always end up falling for this, hm?” Phil mumbled, his voice lacking any venom. He let his body relax on the uncomfortable bed (seriously, he honestly did not understand how Dan was sleeping on this every night) and snuggled just a tad bit closer to the warm body in front of him. Phil gave Dan’s side one last reassuring squeeze, smirking when he heard the younger boy giggle quietly. 

“You’re a fuckin’ sucker, that’s how,” Dan murmured back, sleep taking over his body rather quickly. He hadn’t gotten his normal midday nap anyways, so maybe that would excuse this. 

“Hush up, you. We’ve not got much time,” Phil teased back, nudging one of Dan’s legs with his own. 

A content smile made it’s way onto Dan’s face, his dimple dipping into the splotchy red skin. Despite how worked up Dan had gotten, he couldn’t help but feel undeniably happy. He’d missed Phil more than anything, and somehow this felt somewhat akin to a new start for the both of them.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls... comment... and leave kudos... i beggith of you (only if u want) (new chapter at some point) (have a good day)


	23. Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i'm sorry that it (once again) has been so long, but i've been surprisingly busy in the past few months. i also have kind of just been... not entirely motivated to write this chapter because i'm so excited to get on to the later ones that this one has felt like a bit of a chore, but it's done now! 
> 
> in other news, i am participating in the phandom big bang this year, and there's literally no telling how much time that will take up of my 'allotted writing time'. i do promise to work some more on this fic though, because soon enough it will be the two year mark of me starting this, and i never intended for it to take this long in the first place. i'm hoping to have it done before the end of the year, but it also could take like... four more (a joke, probably).
> 
> so umm.. here's a long(er) important chapter to make up for my messy self
> 
> thanks for sticking with me, and i hope that you enjoy((:
> 
> ps i'm not a fucking DOCTOR so a bunch of the IV SHIT is wrong but,,, shh
> 
> pps it's not fucking EDITED and it's almost one am but is it EVER edited

It was a welcome shock when Dan thanked Gladys on the fifth day Phil had visited. 

Dan and Gladys’s tense relationship hadn’t gone unnoticed by the others that they interacted with on a daily basis, but then again, most of the nurses didn’t really get along well with Dan in the first place. It just so happened that he disliked Gladys the most; be it her beady eyes or her leathery olive skin, there was something about her that was simply off putting. He much prefered Nina. 

Unsurprisingly, though, Dan’s mood and attitude toward other human beings had significantly improved in the past five days as a result of Phil’s company. It was honestly such a relief to everyone, Dan included. Phil had made through with the promise to visit every single day, and had even joined in on a few of Dan’s heavier therapy sessions to provide the comfort that, as Rhys and Dan’s other doctors had since noticed, he was missing.

In fact, that's precisely what the two had been occupied with for the past two hours (two? It really had felt longer than that) and they were currently making their way back to Dan’s room. Phil had his arm wrapped comfortingly around Dan’s shoulders, which were shaking with the sobs the younger was holding back.

“I- I want m- my bl- blanket,” Dan hiccuped, gripping his sides tightly. He slumped further into Phil’s side, the overwhelming want to just lay down and cry consuming his body to the point of his legs growing stiff.

“Sh, I know, it’s okay. We’re almost there,” Phil whispered, squeezing Dan’s shoulder briefly. He lead them both through the sterile hallways, weaving through the few doctors and nurses who were skittering around. Phil offered small smiles to the nurses he recognized from constantly residing in Dan’s room, reassuring them with his eyes that he had the situation under control as they shot concerned glances at Dan.

Once they arrived at the small room, Phil pushed open the wooden door and ushered Dan quickly over to his bed, not bothering to close the door as a nurse would soon be in the check on Dan anyway. Dan shakily sat down on the edge of the mattress, wrapping his arms around his midsection and leaning over. A choked sob sounded through the room, and tears began to audibly drip onto the linoleum.

Phil glanced over the perimeter of the room, looking for the fluffy piece of dark blue fabric Dan had grown so accustomed to, frowning when his search came up empty. 

“Where’d you put your blanket, Dan?” Phil asked quietly, his eyes nervously flickering over to Dan’s hunched form. Phil winced at the sob his friend let out in reply.

Dan’s watery brown eyes met Phil’s gaze anxiously, his lower lip trembling as his breathing began to speed up significantly. “I- I- I p- put it ov- over th- there,” he whimpered, not giving any indication as to where ‘over there’ was. 

Phil grimaced, walking over to where Dan sat and lowering himself down in front of him. He grabbed Dan’s arms gently, willing them away from the tight grasp they had on his midsection and trailing his hands down until they firmly gripped Dan’s. He laced their fingers together and squeezed the digits reassuringly, causing Dan to lift his head again. 

“It’s alright, yeah? I’m sure one of the nurses just moved it without thinking. We’ll find it,” Phil whispered. He gave the brunette a tight smile, releasing one of his hands to wipe the tears off of Dan’s cheek. This proved to be useless, as even more tears began to drip over Dan’s flustered face.

Phil could tell that Dan was beginning to work himself into an attack. Phil’s words were passing right over his head as the panicked glint in Dan’s wide eyes grew at a fast pace, soon taking over the entire area of his pupil as it dilated until there was only a thin brown ring surrounding it. There wasn’t much Phil could do to calm his friend down; Dan was already on edge from the extensive therapy session in which he had revealed a large amount of information, and Phil simply had to accept that he couldn’t always help Dan out of a panic attack. 

A guttural sob ripped it’s way out of Dan’s throat, and he released Phil’s hands to pull away from the older boy. He immediately curled back into himself, pulling his knees up to his chest as his heart began to beat faster. Dan’s skin was crawling with anxiety as the weight of the day pressed down on him, his chest growing heavier and heavier. It was strange, though, because Dan still felt almost entirely present, which was rare when he had attacks. Although he supposed it was a good thing, considering he still had a slight grip on his reasonable thoughts.

“Do you want me to call a nurse, Dan?” Phil asked nervously, quickly getting to his feet. He had pressed the red call button before Dan had the chance to reply, but was relieved to catch a glimpse of a quick nod coming from the younger.

It was maybe half a minute before Gladys came rushing in, a folded up blanket in her arms. She set the fabric down on the desk before making her way over to Dan’s hunched form, her eyebrows creased in concern. She casted Phil a confused glance, his flustered state catching her off guard. He was usually the one to keep Dan’s anxiety at bay, so it was odd to see Phil in a similar state to the panicking boy curled up on the bed.

“How long?” Gladys asked, walking over to the IV bag hanging by the headboard of Dan’s bed. She took a quick glance at the bag before picking up the tube that connected it to the IV needle in Dan’s arm. 

Phil grabbed the blanket off of the desk and hurriedly draped it over Dan’s trembling frame, whispering comforting phrases in his ear while Gladys prepared the sedatives. He looked up when Gladys spoke, frowning.

“Um, since we got back from his session. Five minutes, give or take,” Phil sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking Dan into his arms soothingly. Unlike his behavior from minutes before, Dan immediately melted into Phil’s comforting hold, his hands gripping the edges of the blanket along with Phil’s jumper. The face paced breathing coming from the younger boy filled the momentary silences that were spaced periodically throughout the room.

Although Dan physically seemed to be calming down, it was obvious that his mind wouldn’t stop racing for a few hours. Both Gladys and Phil could sense this, and possibly Dan himself, so there wasn’t really an argument when Phil whispered to Dan that Gladys was hooking him up to his IV. Dan nodded against Phil’s chest, muffling his cries against the older boy. His trembling hands released the damp fabric that was weaved in his fingers and he pulled back from Phil’s hold. 

Phil helped Dan scoot over so that he was closer to the headboard where Gladys stood, leaning the brunette back against the wood. He gave Dan’s hand a quick squeeze before letting go and positioning himself with his legs crossed in the middle of the bed. Phil grimaced as more and more tears began to flow from Dan’s doe eyes as he clenched them shut.

Although there weren’t any more needles involved when it came to Dan’s IVs, Phil knew that the first dose of the medication freaked Dan out all the same. He’d tried to explain it, the feeling of his anxiety quickly fizzling out but still being so, so prominent, but Phil simply wasn’t able to understand. 

Gladys sent Phil a tight smile before attaching the tube to the needle in Dan’s arm, tightening securely. She gave the thin boy a gentle pat on the arm as she sent the first stream through, whispering encouragements that Phil couldn’t hear. The words seemed to calm Dan down a bit, though, as the shaking in his hands receded, if only slightly. This went on for roughly forty five seconds before the nurse stood up straight and brushed off her scrubs.

“Alright, you’re done for now,” Gladys sighed tiredly. She watched carefully as Dan relaxed back into the headboard and attempted to control his breathing. The initial panic was obviously still present, but everyone had picked up on the fact that Dan was growing stronger at hiding his disorder. It seemed as though the constant breakdowns in the hospital had done the complete opposite of what typically happened.

Dan was building a hard outside shell, and it was still uncertain whether or not that was a beneficial thing for him. It would either help him recover at a faster pace, or simply let all of his issues build up until they were too much for him and he inevitably snapped. The latter was more predictable, but nothing could be said for sure quite yet.

“Call me in again if it’s still too much when this dose wears off, yeah?” Gladys murmured. She lifted an eyebrow as Dan opened his eyes hesitantly and met her gaze.

He mumbled a barely coherent sound of affirmation before biting his lip calculatingly. Dan shifted uncomfortably on the bed, bringing his hands together and squeezing them tightly. His body was still trembling a significant amount, and there was certainly a bit of panic still left over, but the sedatives were working fast. Dan looked up to see Phil’s head cast downward, a frown on his typically cheerful face. This drew a final choked cry from Dan’s throat, which caused both Phil and Gladys to quickly perk their heads up and towards the youngest. 

“Alright Dan?” Phil asked, concern lacing his rough voice. Phil cleared his throat and quirked an eyebrow up at Dan.

Still wringing his hands together, Dan glanced up at Gladys, who was near the door with a confused look on her face. He took a deep breath before shoving his hands under his thighs to keep them still.

“Th- thank y- you,” Dan whispered. He was trying his hardest to maintain eye contact with the woman, although he couldn’t help but let his eyes flicker to the wall behind her every few seconds. An audible gulp seemed to echo through the room as Dan opened his mouth to speak again, but it was as if he rethought his words and he simply closed his mouth. With a firm shake of his head directed toward his thoughts, Dan looked away from Gladys and back down to his bed sheets.

“Thank you,” he repeated more confidently, but quieter. Dan’s bottom lip curled into his mouth.

Gladys was about to respond, but paused as she watched Phil almost subconsciously lean over and tap on Dan’s lip. The younger of the two froze momentarily, a strange look flashing across his coffee eyes before he regained some of his previous (minimal) composure. His lips quirked up into a small smile and a slight blush settled atop his cheeks.

Gladys couldn’t help the grin that managed to make its way onto her face at the exchange. It was a relief to finally see some positive emotions from Dan, considering the past week had been rough. Of course with Phil by his side Dan was overall more pleasant to be around, but Gladys tended to stay far away from Dan’s room to ensure his comfort the majority of the time. It was obvious to the older woman that Dan wasn’t particularly fond of her, but she couldn’t help the fact that she cared about him, if only to the extent of nurse and patient. 

“You’re welcome, Daniel,” Gladys said. She gave the teenager a tight lipped smile as he looked up before making her way out of the room with an obvious grin on her wrinkled face. 

\---

“Dan? Your parents are here to see you.”

Dan peeked his eyes open, wincing as the harsh light coming from the window pierced his vision. He brought his hands up to rub at his eyes, groaning from the residual tiredness that came from his midday naps. He sat up, freezing when he realized he was alone. Phil’s warm body that Dan had grown accustomed to having next to him the past few days was nowhere to be seen, and Dan felt a minor spark of anxiety burst through his chest. 

“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked in a croaky voice, the ‘L’ in Phil’s name mumbled out as a ‘W’. He planted his hands on either side of his body, twisting to look around the room to see if Phil was sat somewhere. No such luck.

Nina huffed, opening the door fully and stepping inside. “I’ve sent him home for a bit,” she announced. 

Dan frowned at her, a bit of a glare slipping into his expression. “Why?” he demanded, crossing his arms against his chest (whilst carefully avoiding the almost inevitable tug on his IV) and pushing his bottom lip out into a pout. He so closely resembled a toddler that Nina wanted to laugh, but that would have definitely been the wrong move.

It was written in the air that Nina tread carefully. Dan was easy to work up, and even easier to set off, especially when he had already been having a bad day (and from what Nina had heard through Gladys and Dr. Rhys, it had definitely been a bad day). This being the case, she made an effort to soften her gaze and overall demeanor, deciding that she would have better luck if she took the gentle approach.

“Your parents really want to talk to you alone, and visiting hours end in a little less than an hour anyway. I know that Phil is in the process of starting back up at school, and considering all the time he’s been spending here, I can’t imagine he’s gotten much work done. It’s just for tonight, Dan,” Nina explained softly, crossing the room and sitting in the chair beside Dan’s bed. 

Dan ignored her words, instead choosing to glare down at his bed sheets stubbornly. Nina sighed, bringing a hand up to run it through her ponytail. 

“Dan,” she muttered gently, reaching out for one of his hands. Nina almost groaned when he flinched back, but managed to withhold the sound of irritation. “You’re out of here in a few days, you’ll have all the time in the world to spend with Phil.”

Shockingly enough, Nina noticed a tear dripping down Dan’s flushed cheek. Well, it wasn’t really shocking- she had seen the teenager cry more times than she could count on her two hands- but it was a sign of his resolve cracking: something that never happened this early on in a confrontation. At least, not that Nina had seen. 

And it seemed that Nina’s assumption was right, because only moments later Dan was angrily scrubbing his hands against his eyes as more and more tears flooded them. His entire body slumped back against the headboard and his hands began to tremble. 

“M’- m’jus- just having a b- bad day, a- and he- he makes it bet- better,” Dan cried, shoving his face into his palms. He curled his thin fingers into his unruly brown ringlets, shaking his head back and forth. 

Nina watched with sad eyes as Dan broke down in front of her. She bit her lip guiltily as she stretched over a bit to the IV stand by Dan’s bed and twisted a knob to let more of the sedatives flow. Nina watched Dan carefully as he tensed up, which was clearly a result of the medication, but sighed in relief when he didn’t get overly upset about it. 

“Th- thanks,” he mumbled through the tears. The grip on his hair loosened a bit, and he uncurled his body as well. Dan was still trembling, but that was expected.

“Of course,” Nina replied, caught off guard. She cleared her throat, smiling grimly when Dan’s bloodshot doe eyes flickered over to her. “How about we let you calm down a bit, and then I’ll send your parents in. Sound good?”

Dan nodded, bringing his hands down to his lap. He laced his fingers together and squeezed his hands whilst taking deep breaths. “S’fine.”

Nina stood up and brushed off her pants, patting Dan’s shoulder gently afterwards. “I’ll be right down the hall in the lobby if you need me. I’ll send your parents in in ten minutes.”

Dan didn’t reply as Nina left the room, but he appreciated it when she closed the door firmly behind her.

\---

Dan sat silently for the next ten minutes. He found himself switching between repeatedly counting his fingers that were now resting in his lap on top of his blanket, and staring at the wall opposite him like he used to do at home.

Home. That was also something Dan had been thinking about. He missed his bed dearly, regardless of how silly that was. The hospital bed was uncomfortable, with the slats practically pressing into his back through the thin mattress. It was nothing like his queen sized bed he had at home with the memory foam mattress and the multitude of body pillows and stuffies.

And maybe that was a bit childish of him, but he really just wanted to go home. Home was somewhere that he wasn’t constantly monitored and observed, somewhere that Dan felt like more of a real person. The past week had him feeling like he was some sort of nut case, which really fucking sucked. It sucked a lot.

“Fuck,” Dan swore, squeezing his eyes together tightly. This was all so frustrating. 

There was a knock at the door before it began to open, and Dan could taste the dread that entered his body. He really wasn’t looking forward to talking to his parents: his dad had visited every single day, but it was only for a few minutes, and his mum hadn’t made an appearance since he first got moved into the mental ward. In fact, him and his mum weren't really on the best terms at the moment, and he didn’t really have any desire to speak with her. But Dan had figured it would be coming sooner or later, though, as they did have quite a handful of things to discuss.

Dan was mildly shocked at his parents appearances. The last time he saw the two of them together, they looked positively miserable. Today, though, they looked exactly like the pair that Dan had grown to resent over the past three years. Their faces were the only features that looked different: they were softer, and maybe a bit older, but definitely not as pretentiously posh as they used to be.

His mum was the first to speak up, basically running over to Dan and throwing her arms around his slouched form. Dan tensed up quite a bit, but his mum didn’t seem to notice at all.

“Oh, Bear, I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to visit,” she murmured, pressing a kiss on top of his head. She grimaced at the greasiness of his curls, but didn’t mention it.

“Haven’t been able to? Or haven’t wanted to?” Dan shot back in response, pulling away from Mary harshly. He winced as his IV tugged in his arm, scrunching his eyebrows as Mary made a chiding noise.

“Dan, please,” his dad said. He raised an expectant eyebrow at his son, but it was missing the usual venom. “We’ve spoken about this.”

And they had, but Dan was still upset. His mum had made him out to be mad, and no matter how many time Andrew had assured she was just speaking without thinking, Dan was still bitter about it. He knew well enough that this whole conversation would go over a lot smoother if he simply kept his mouth shut, though.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, wrapping his arms around his waist self consciously. 

His mum perched herself in the plastic chair beside his bed, brushing off her slacks. “I’m sorry too, love,” Mary said, an apologetic smile working its way onto her face. “I don’t blame you for being upset with me. What I said to you and your father was very much uncalled for, and I can’t begin to express how sorry I am,” she admitted. Her voice was genuine, which Dan could appreciate, but he was still hurt.

“Mary,” Andrew murmured, giving his wife a pointed look. 

Mary cleared her throat, nodding her head briefly. “Right. Um, that isn’t what we’re here to talk about.”

Dan furrowed his eyebrows, looking past his mum to his father. “What do you want to talk about then?” he asked quietly. 

Andrew sighed and closed the door to Dan’s room. He made his way to the desk, picking up the chair that was sat there and brought it over next to Mary’s. Once he had sat himself down and gotten as comfortable as he could manage in the hard plastic, he placed one of his hands gently on Mary’s knee. 

“Well, first we just wanted to let you know that- we- your mother and I- have been seeing a counselor.”

Dan’s mouth gaped as he stared at his parents. Confusion was clouding his mind, and he wasn’t quite sure what the right thing to say was. “For- for like, what? Like, is it- am I-? Or, like, why?” Dan stammered out, growing mildly sweaty. He, once again, shoved his fingers through his grubby hair and began to tug the locks.

Mary’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline and she immediately started shaking her head back and forth. “No, no no no, Bear, hunny, it’s not- it’s not because of you, not at all. Love, your dad and I have been- we’ve been having problems for a while now, and we simply haven’t been dealing with them properly. It is in no way because of you, or the situation you’re in right now. Not at all,” Mary reassured, frowning.

Andrew nodded along with his wife’s words, watching her intently. When she finished he turned to Dan and gave him a reassuring smile. “We want to be better parents for you, Dan. That isn’t something we can do while constantly fighting about things that shouldn’t be a problem. As your mum said, it is in no way your fault that we’re seeing a marriage counselor, but bettering our job as parents is a reason.”

“I’m happy for you, then,” Dan whispered. There was still a part of him that was nagging, saying his parents stress was his fault. There wasn’t anything they could do to assure him that he wasn’t part of the reason their marriage had been straining, so he simply didn’t mention it. “And thank you. I mean- like, it’s been tough, I won’t lie. I r- really need you guys sometimes, and- well, the past few years, this one especially, has kind of sucked. A lot. So, yeah, thank you. For trying.”

Andrew and Mary both reached out for Dan’s hands at the same time, chuckling as they collided. They both grabbed onto his left hand, Mary rubbing small circles above Dan’s thumb. They released it after the shaking was obviously getting to be too much for Dan, but he gave them a tiny smile.

“We really do love you, Bear. And we’re so incredibly sorry for how these past few months have gone for you. We didn’t realize how serious it was getting, and that’s entirely our fault.”

Dan nodded. He was focused on trying to contain the trembles in his hands, and his parents words were helping, surprisingly enough. 

Andrew let out a small cough, his cheeks flushing much like Dan’s did. “I- uh, I’ve also got some things to apologize for,” he muttered, making eye contact with Dan. 

Dan bit his lip, breaking the gaze very so often. He knew what was coming, and although it was almost guaranteed he would feel better after these things had been said, he was still quite nervous to hear his father’s words. The wounds were still fresh, as nothing inside of him regarding his parents had properly healed just yet.

“I had no right to say the things I did to you that day,” Andrew began, his voice getting thicker. “None of it was my business. You’re seventeen years old, and what you do with your personal life is really none of my concern as long as you’re being safe. I trust you, I really do, and you’ve never done anything that would change that. Dan, you are such a good kid, and I have never, ever told you how much I appreciate that. The only problems I’ve had with you were simply because I was taking out my own issues on you.

“Your mum and I haven’t done a great job the past few years, but the fact that you’ve been strong enough to practically live on your own thus far is incredible Dan, it really is. And I feel so- so absolutely shitty that I didn’t realize how bad your mental state was getting. That day you left school because of your panic disorder- and I yelled at you- God, Bear, I am so, so sorry,” Andrew croaked out. There were tears running down his aged face, catching in the facial hair he hadn’t bothered to groom recently. He leaned his elbows on his knees, resting his face in his palms as he sniffled. 

“I love you a lot, Dan, and as my son I don’t tell you nearly enough. I don’t- don’t expect you to forgive me, but I r- really hope you can give me a second chance,” Andrew mumbled against his hands, looking up with hopeful eyes at Dan.

Dan sat still for a minute or two, staring at his hands as he picked at his chewed down nails. There was a constant metal taste in his mouth as he gnawed on his lower lip, which was curled into his mouth, but he didn’t take much notice of it. His father’s words had really hit hard, in a good and bad way. While Dan was glad that his father had apologized (because he certainly was, approval meant the world to Dan) it was also a bit overwhelming: the change, that is.

After years of the same routine of getting ignored or simply brushed to the side, the new positive attention was confusing. Dan was still mildly shaken from his small breakdowns earlier in the day and this whole conversation had him on edge once again. It wasn’t anything he couldn’t control, though, as his father's apology had left a warm feeling in his heart that sat almost too comfortably along with his anxieties.

“Thank you,” Dan finally whispered. He looked up briefly towards his dad, giving the older man a tight lipped smile. “I- you’re right, um. I c- can’t forgive you. But I do, um, appreciate th- this. A- and of course I’ll give y- you a second chance, dad. Of course. I love you. But this is- it’s not something I can exactly get over quickly? Like, w- with everything else, I- it’s a lot, y’know?” Dan sighed, training his gaze back on his hands. 

“No, no, I understand. Of course it’s not- I know it’s not that easy. I didn’t expect you to forgive me right away, but thank you. It means the world to me that you’re letting me try again.” Andrew took a deep breath and nodded at Dan, even though the teenager’s attention wasn’t focused on him. “Thank you for listening,” he added in a much smaller voice.

“You guys mean a lot to me. I’d be silly not to listen,” Dan replied. 

There was a comfortable silence settled throughout the room after that. The only sounds for the next five minutes were the quiet sniffles from Andrew and Mary, and Dan’s steady breathing. It was nice, but Dan was feeling mild tension rising after each minute, and he knew there was more they wanted to discuss. 

“What else, then?” Dan asked, breaking the silence. He looked up at his parents expectantly, raising an eyebrow. 

Mary let out a heavy sigh, leaning back in her chair. “We’ve talked to Rhys about what is to happen next. When you get out of the hospital.”

The mention of his release made Dan perk up a bit, but his mum’s heavy tone was a bit concerning. “And that is?” he prompted.

“We’re not so sure you’re fit to go back to school,” Andrew said. “Rhys said he’s chatted with you about it, and you’re okay with possibly doing online courses. That’s not the only option, though, if that’s not something you want to do.”

Dan nodded along, huffing. “I’ve already agreed to the online thing. I’m perfectly okay with that,” He replied. “Is that all?”

Mary shook her head sadly. “Unfortunately, there are also some other things that are going to change as well. We’ve been giving instructions to ensure that you’re the most comfortable and safe that you can be when you return home, and some of the… rules, I suppose, we know you won’t be too fond of,” she explained. “But they’re also things that we can discuss when you come home, if you’d like.”

Really all Dan wanted was to lie down for a while before his nightly check-up, so the sooner this ended, the better. “Later, preferably.”

The two adults nodded as if that was the answer they were expecting. They gave one another a knowing look before standing up and brushing off their laps in sync. 

“Then I believe that’s all,” Andrew exclaimed, reaching for Mary’s hand. The gesture made Dan smile. 

“We’ve got to head out, unfortunately,” Mary sighed, a frown pulling at her features. “We have an appointment in half an hour, and then some things we’ve got to sort out at the office.”

“Oh. Alright. Will you be here tomorrow, or…?” Dan trailed off, trying to mask the hopeful tone in his voice. The visit was rather short, and everything that had been said had left Dan frazzled. He wrung his hands together nervously, looking down. 

“If you’d like us to be,” Andrew replied, his voice equally as hopeful as Dan’s.

This caused Dan’s head to shoot up, and a small smile to work it’s way onto his face. He was nodding before he could stop himself. “Yeah, of course. I’ve, um- I’ve really missed you lot,” he whispered thickly. It was the truth as well. He had been craving some parental comfort, regardless of the state of his relationship with Andrew and Mary. He couldn’t help it. 

The two adults grinned. “Then yes, we’ll be here. As long as you’ll have us.”

Dan smiled down at his hands, not bothering to hide the thankful expression on his soft face.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment (please) and maybe kudos??


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